My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

Yeah I know I'm blowing it out of proportion and it's a really common thing that happens to everyone. After distracting myself with some other stuff I read some embarrassing pocket dial stories to try and normalise it. It's just that a lot of stuff with my therapist seems like landmines on my end and like any screw up is going to blow up in my face somehow, even though he's never 'blown up'. I tried to pinpoint what exactly I'm worried about happening - him terminating with me because of unnecessary texting / attention seeking, or not terminating but punishing me in some way to do with communication.

 

[Daniel E.]

seems like landmines on my end and like any screw up is going to blow up in my face somehow, even though he's never 'blown up'.

BTW:

'awfulizing'...only makes it seem more frightening.

'catastrophizing'...thinking that something catastrophic will happen unless you do something to stop it.

'low frustration tolerance' (LFT) means regarding anxiety as 'intolerable' or 'unbearable'. Unfortunately this makes it more likely that you will use short-term ways of dealing with it.

Source: What keeps OCD going?

 

[gooblax]

This just feels too hard. I'm too dependent on my therapist and it makes me scared, as well as angry with myself and causes thoughts of quitting. Again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

"too dependent": what exactly does that meam to you? and why do you define it as a problem?

 

[gooblax]

That I like talking to him and find it helpful. And then think about him too much between sessions.
It's a problem because it feels wrong, like it deserves rejection and punishment.

 

[Daniel E.]

It's a problem because it feels wrong, like it deserves rejection and punishment.

A possibly related chapter from Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns:

 

[Daniel E.]

My favorite part is near the chapter's end:

What is the key to releasing yourself from your emotional prison? Simply this: Your thoughts create your emotions; therefore, your emotions cannot prove that your thoughts are accurate. Unpleasant feelings merely indicate that you are thinking something negative and believing it. Your emotions follow your thoughts just as surely as baby ducks follow their mother. But the fact that the baby ducks follow faithfully along doesn't prove that the mother knows where she is going!

 

[gooblax]

The thoughts don't seem much like distortions to me - it's how I'd think about someone who was overly dependent on me. At the moment I have to take it at face value where my therapist says he "doesn't think of it like that" but it's probably only a matter of time.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The big problem with cognitive distortions in anxiety, OCD, depression is that they never "seem" or "feel" distorted. That's why they're so compelling.

But someone looking from the outside can see them clearly as distortions.

 

[Daniel E.]

The thoughts don't seem much like distortions to me - it's how I'd think about someone who was overly dependent on me

How would you think about a friend who was seeing a therapist? I am sure you would not tell them that they are dependent losers, just as you would not tell someone to stop seeing a doctor for diabetes or a job coach for career satisfaction.

 

[Daniel E.]

The big problem with cognitive distortions in anxiety, OCD, depression is that they never "seem" or "feel" distorted. That's why they're so compelling.

That is part of the reason I like the third-wave cogntive behavioral therapies that embrace mindfulness. It is hard to ruminate mindfully

 

[Daniel E.]

Another feature of third wave is they are focused on a big picture. For example, in DBT, often the big picture is getting out of hell -- even though you have to do the opposite of what you feel like doing. Similarly in ACT, you stay committed to your goals even when part of you wants to self-sabotage.

 

[gooblax]

The big problem with cognitive distortions in anxiety, OCD, depression is that they never "seem" or "feel" distorted. That's why they're so compelling.

But someone looking from the outside can see them clearly as distortions.

I suppose it doesn't help that it's also the same way I've always thought about the thing, making it hard to consider other options.

How would you think about a friend who was seeing a therapist? I am sure you would not tell them that they are dependent losers, just as you would not tell someone to stop seeing a doctor for diabetes or a job coach for career satisfaction.

I'd likely assume that they had a valid reason for getting help with their valid problems, and that if their therapist was ok with it then it's ok. But I can't apply that logic to myself because I'm not convinced that my problems are valid proper problems, nor do I think my therapist really, actually, genuinely will be ok with it. Even if I tell myself that THAT part of my thinking is due to absorbing too many "stop feeling sorry for yourself"'s - what if arguing against that is just condoning "feeling sorry for myself" and making it worse?

That's why quitting seems like the only way to relieve my anxiety about the whole thing. I guess if I draw the parallel to what my interactions on this forum used to be like (sort-of asking for help without properly asking, then beating myself up and trying to make myself leave the forum, then feeling worse because I couldn't even uphold my own punishment of leaving, then trying to draw other forum members into punishing me instead, then maybe I'd finally give myself a break for awhile until the next repeat) - I've made a bit of progress against that over time. Maybe the same will happen in time with my thoughts about seeing my therapist. After a year I'm being more 'emotionally open' in sessions now but the "this is wrong, I should quit" thoughts don't seem to be reducing much.

 

[Daniel E.]

And, of course, breaks in therapy can be helpful for other reasons too.

Breaks in therapy may be useful to solidify ideas, or to try out new insights, or merely to catch up with life and allow time to grow and mature. Financial limitations, significant life changes, or just a need for a respite from the intensity of treatment may mandate a time-out.

I Hate You--Dont Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality - Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus - Google Books

 

[gooblax]

Feel like impulsively quitting and self harming. But I couldn't quit because I told my bf I'd ask my therapist a question for him, and now have to wait for the answer via email.
Can still do the latter though.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Did you have an appointment recently?

 

[gooblax]

Yeah just had it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Feel like impulsively quitting and self harming. But I couldn't quit because I told my bf I'd ask my therapist a question for him, and now have to wait for the answer via email.
Can still do the latter though.

Yeah just had it.

So are these two things connected?

 

[gooblax]

Yep. It didn't go well for a few reasons.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I still think that you should be questioning the match between you and this therapist rather than therapy per se. And I am still concerned that when it "doesn't go well" you generally blame yourself.