My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

I think (hope) you know that's not true, @gooblax. You're frustrated and stressed. That doesn't make you "not even a useful real person anyway".

 

[gooblax]

I guess so. "Just because things feel hopeless doesn't mean they are hopeless" and yada yada.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Exactly.

Sometimes when I feel that way I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm feeling that way. Lack of sleep? Boredom?

I mean most times I know full well what triggered the feeling and it's often something small, one of those "will this even matter in 24 hours let alone a year or five?" things. But of course it feels big at the moment.

 

[Daniel E.]

A reminder to be more kind/forgiving to ourselves:


Taking Responsibility for our Future Selves Marty Cooper, MFT

Most of us are basically ethical, moral beings, who would not kick a puppy or maliciously hurt others, and feel guilt when we do. But when it comes to ourselves, we are routinely harsh, brutal, and unkind. This perspective, then, is about “leveraging” our already existing social ethics and moral behavior to the job of being more kind with our selves...

 

[Daniel E.]

Therapists Spill: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself


“Make a list of all the hardships you’ve overcome, all the goals you’ve accomplished, all the connections you’ve made, and all the lives you’ve touched for the better. Keep it close by, review it frequently, and add to it often.”

 

[gooblax]

Last night sucked. I ended up asking my bf if he'd be able to tell me apart from a robot or AI, and he gave me a short list of reasons why he thinks I'm a real person. That helped a little, but I inadvertently made him feel sad in the process.

It's hard not to get caught up in the hopelessness of it all. My very first psychologist (in 2007, who I didn't like) thought I might have Asperger's but I don't think so. Sometimes I wonder if I have Schizoid PD traits but IMO I have too many emotions to qualify for that and I don't really think I have that either.
Which puts me back to no answers and no solutions, but I guess I just have to be ok with that.

I'm feeling a little bit better this morning and have asked someone if they might know how to help with my work thing.

 

[Daniel E.]

Frankly, like many psychodynamic theories and therapies, that all seems a little nebulous and contrived to me.

From my observations, I think it is all about fear of uncertainty and lack of control. I don't think it's about nothingness and emptiness at all.

What do you think of this theory?:

Why Some People Choose Anxiety

In some cases, the need to experience anxiety can lead to a state that looks very much like addiction to anxiety. "There are people who have extreme agitation, but they can't understand why," says psychiatrist Harris Stratyner of Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. They therefore latch on to any cause to explain what they're feeling. That rationalization doubles back and exacerbates the anxiety. "Some people," he adds, "get addicted to feeling anxious because that's the state that they've always known. If they feel a sense of calm, they get bored; they feel empty inside. They want to feel anxious." Notice he didn't say "like."

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I’ve never met anyone with an anxiety disorder who wanted to be anxious. Most welcome any chance to be quiet and “boredom” can be a welcome state, a state where you can finally be at peace for a while.

 

[Daniel E.]

It's hard not to get caught up in the hopelessness of it all.

Whatever you do or don't have, you have more insight than most. A lot of people -- including some of my relatives -- just blame someone or something else for their distress rather than go to a therapist.

I remember seeing a psychiatrist at a community clinic while having been unemployed for over a few years. And he, successfully, cheered me up by saying I was still high functioning and doing quite well compared to a lot of his other patients.

 

[gooblax]

I guess so, or maybe I just don't stick around anyone who I'd have cause to blame

Funny, I had a similar comment from my therapist back in 2008 that had the opposite effect (like "oh if I'm doing so well then clearly it's fine that I have daily sucidal ideation and I should just be able to handle it, and I'm weak and pathetic for wanting help to get through this or for it to affect me at all, and my therapist just thinks I'm wasting his time compared to other people who actually need help"... Great how my brain works huh?

Today I'm annoyed already because the new guy is very talkative with asking questions and just chatting, and he came in an hour earlier today and won't shut up while talking to the stand-in team lead. Noise cancelling headphones aren't helping. I also have too many things in my report that need to be worked on, and have to pick a place to start.

 

[gooblax]

Oh well, I gave up and joined the conversation for an hour as another person arrived. Very productive

 

[gooblax]

I'm going to have to revisit the "diagnosis" conversation with my therapist in the session next week. I don't want to play 20 questions but I'm having trouble letting it go. The trouble is that I know I'm going to be very sensitive to certain responses that I think are likely, and if he says what I am currently thinking as a diagnosis then I might have to stop seeing him and stop posting here because of what that means about me. I know that doesn't make logical sense but it might be what has to be done.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What is the diagnosis or diagnoses you most fear he will say?

And what does it or what do they (the diagnoses) mean or convey to you?

 

[gooblax]

What is the diagnosis or diagnoses you most fear he will say?

I'm not willing to share that.

And what does it or what do they (the diagnoses) mean or convey to you?

That I am disgusting, weak, needy, pathetic and annoying in essence and my existence is a wrong that must no longer be inflicted upon anyone. But it doesn't mean that for other people with the diagnosis, it just would for me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You are so hard on yourself, @gooblax. I feel bad for you that you are not able to view yourself more positively.

What if asked you to start a daily list/diary of 1-3 things you like about yourself on anmy given day? Could you do that?

You don't necessarily have to share it with anyone. Just do it for you.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah I could do that. It's only the part of me that has feelings/emotions about dumb stuff that I think is that bad. Some other parts are usually ok.

As it is, my therapist had previously given me homework to write a list of positive things about myself and read it to myself daily. I made a short list which I could remember and was saying it in my head most days but have been forgetting to do it lately (remembered on Friday after I dunno how long of forgetting). So I guess it might help me add to that list or make it more 'impactful' or something.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wasn't thinking of just a list you re-read, actually.

More of a diary. To help you track when your self-thoughts are more negative or more positive against what is happening in your life or around you.

 

[gooblax]

Oh right. It'll need to be really simple otherwise I'll give up on it after a couple of days.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Absolutely. Keep it as simple as possible so it's an easy thing to do before you go to bed. Keep it next to your bed.

Could be as simple as 2-3 lines:

Bad day at work today. Colleagues being really annoying.
I think I'm too sensitive. I'm just being whiny.
I don't like myself today.

or

Went for a bike ride. Nice weather. Felt good physically. Nothing hurts.
Today I like this about myself: ______________________

 

[gooblax]

Righto. Did it last night, starting at the back of the diary I bought for other purposes. I don't want to start yet another spot for writing personal things so figured that was the best location.

It doesn't look like they're going to open up my state's borders (which they locked down to stop the spread of COVID-19) until September. I'm feeling really bummed out about that because my therapist has said that his kids are in this state (whereas he lives in another state), so I'm sad for him that he won't be able to see his kids in person for that long.
Whereas I don't really want my parents to come and visit me but they usually do in September anyway... so we'll see... unless I go visit them this time I guess.