My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

I barely need to see one, let alone two.

That doesn't seem to be accurate. It sounds more like self-criticism than reality to me.

 

[gooblax]

Maybe it's both self criticism and reality.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It doesn't sound like reality from what you've posted.

 

[Daniel E.]

From the CEN newsletter I received this morning:

The Five Uncommon Strengths of the Emotionally Neglected…

1. Independent: Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own.

Problem with a teacher? You solved it.

Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself.

Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency.

Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself.

Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.


2. Compassionate: As a child your feelings were far too often ignored.

But that probably didn’t stop you from feeling for others.

Research has shown that even young babies feel empathy.

I have noticed that many people who were emotionally neglected in childhood have decreased access to their own feelings, but extra sensitivity to other people’s feelings.

Compassion is a powerful, healing, and bonding force. And you have it in spades.


3. Giving: Having received a dearth of emotional acknowledgment and validation in childhood, you learned not to ask for things.

Part of being independent and compassionate is that you are more aware of others’ needs than you are of your own.

So now as an adult, you don’t ask for a lot, but you do give a lot.


4. Flexible: As a child, you were probably not often consulted.

Instead of being asked what you wanted or needed, you had no choice but to adjust to the situation at hand.

So now, all grown up, you’re not demanding, pushy or controlling.
Instead, you’re the opposite.

You can go with the flow far better than most people.

And you do.


5. Likable: The people of Childhood Emotional Neglect are some of the most likable in this world.

Compassionate, giving and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice or support.

You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers too.

Others know that they can rely on you.

Are you ever puzzled about why people like you?

It’s because you have these five unmistakably lovable qualities.

Many CEN people are secretly aware of their great strength, and value it in themselves.

I don’t need help,

I don’t need anything,

I can handle it,

I’ll take care of it,

I’ll be fine with whatever you decide,

I’m strong…

they say.

If this is true of you, the idea of changing yourself can be frightening.

You don’t want to feel dependent on anyone, including a therapist, friend or spouse.

You’re afraid of appearing needy, or weak, or helpless.

You have a grave fear of becoming selfish.

But here is the beauty of CEN: Your strengths are so enduring that you can make them even better by balancing them.

So you remain independent, but you lose your fear of depending on someone when you need to.

You remain as competent as you’ve always been, but you’re OK with asking for help when you need it.

You stay flexible and can go with the flow, but you are also aware and mindful of your own needs.

You can still handle things.

You’re just as strong as ever.

More balanced and more open, you’re still loved and respected by all who know you.

And the great thing is that now you also love and respect yourself.

 

[gooblax]

I managed to respond to the email this morning, accepting the appointment time he'd put me in for. Cause at least that's the least annoying thing for him, aside from the annoyance of having to talk to me during the session.
Had to wait til I stopped feeling anything although even then was close to flipping a coin.

 

[gooblax]

My =round(rand(),0) gave me a 1 which confirmed my "yes send the email accepting the session" decision.
Teeth grinding last night made an obvious pattern in one of my front teeth so that's fantastic. I'll have to go to the dentist if I'm not going to stop grinding them.

 

[gooblax]

Bit nervous about therapy this afternoon. Psych had replied to my email (80% of the reason I stuck with the appointment he said he'd already put in his calendar was because I wouldn't need him to reply) saying that he was starting to feel better, so it's probably still on. I have a list of stuff to talk about as usual, but dunno if I want to talk about any of them.

Edit: He sent the link to the telehealth session so it's on. I'm going to use the storm excuse for why I'm leaving work early today. And going to check on my bike tyres at lunch to make sure there's no sneaky punctures.

 

[gooblax]

It ended up ok, but I can't help but latch onto the brief mention he made of other clients. Cue thought spiral of comparisons between those clients and me R.e. more deserving of help, more likeable, etc. etc. etcete-f***ing-ra.
Also asked hypothetical of how he'd propose to help if I were to ask him for help with driving lesson anxiety, then told him I don't think he'd be able to help me because of our dynamic. But that was right near the end of the session so we'll have to discuss that more next time. He suggested that I write and send him some stuff about the overall driving topic, but I made it very clear that I would not be sending him anything.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Major faux pas in a therapy or counseling session: This session is for this client and this client only. Any mention of other clients or sessions with other clients is basically a slap in the face that says, "I have other clients. You are not so important. And even when we are here focusing on you I am thinking about those other clients."

That's a major violation of Therapy 101. Really huge blunder on his part. 😲 The client should ALWAYS be feeling that for at least the duration of this session s/he is the center of the therapy universe and the top priority and sole focus for the therapist.

 

[gooblax]

I'm also hypersensitive to that sort of thing so that doesn't help. It's just so hard, liking him so much and wanting to feel cared about, and having the slightest thing make me feel hurt over and over again. 😢

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Understood. But I think most, perhaps all clients would feel at least mildly surprised and irritated by something like that. I certainly would.

 

[Daniel E.]

One of my previous therapists worked concurrently full-time at the state prison as a therapist. My current one works at a rehab center full-time as their primary therapist. I like these therapists because they are used to taking "all comers" and are not prone to "refer out" for a "bad fit," which is often code for acute/serious mental illness, such as when people are experiencing moderate-to-severe bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, borderline personality disorder, etc.

But your therapist has not referred you out. I have been referred out before. (Not exactly a self-esteem booster at first but better in the long run since many therapists don't do well with OCD or, for that matter, any serious mental illness.)

 

[gooblax]

Understood. But I think most, perhaps all clients would feel at least mildly surprised and irritated by something like that. I certainly would.

He does it occasionally as a way to 'normalise' things but I'm going to have to ask him to try and stop altogether because I don't even find the normalising to be helpful.

But your therapist has not referred you out. I have been referred out before. (Not exactly a self-esteem booster at first but better in the long run since many therapists don't do well with OCD or, for that matter, any serious mental illness.)

True. The whole "not easy to talk to" and "professionally challenging" thing (and definitely the "I care about you as much as some clients, not as much as others") makes me question whether he just thinks he's stuck with me, or it's just a matter of time until he does, but he hasn't actually said that he doesn't want to work with me. My first therapist did decide she couldn't help me. Not sure if my mum turned down any referrals from her or what. But that was for the best because my first therapist was pretty useless and was barking up the wrong tree, so I was ok with not seeing her again aside from the fact that it left me without help for awhile (until I started seeing my psych for the first time, which still didn't help).

 

[Daniel E.]

The whole "not easy to talk to" and "professionally challenging" thing (and definitely the "I care about you as much as some clients, not as much as others") makes me question whether he just thinks he's stuck with me

I guess if you are going to be an entitled therapist, you might as well be honest about it: "Everybody wants to be somebody, but nobody wants to grow." ~ Goethe

Just like a lot of software developers are not that great but think they are, same is true of therapists and all other professions. Almost all therapists naturally think that they are at least above average in their ability to help clients:

deterioration in psychotherapy

deterioration in psychotherapy, psychotherapy outcome

www.psychotherapy.net

A recent study of 129 therapists found that over 90% self-rated their psychotherapy skills at the 75th percentile or greater. All of the therapists rated themselves above the 50th percentile.

 

[gooblax]

I guess if you are going to be an entitled therapist, you might as well be honest about it: "Everybody wants to be somebody, but nobody wants to grow." ~ Goethe

Counsellor framed it as "perhaps it's a benefit to you that your psychologist is a bit blunt. You can be confident that he's saying what he really thinks and is being authentic."

 

[Daniel E.]

Or perhaps you have two therapists who are not sufficiently client centered.

You shouldn't have to be/behave a certain way to be cared for just as much as any other client:

Unconditional positive regard - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Unconditional positive regard, a concept developed by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does, especially in the context of client-centred therapy.

Part of the reason I think many therapists are entitled is because of my work at group homes. Therapists -- even with a PhD in clinical psychology -- will sometimes write in their new-patient paperwork that they do not work with people with SMI (serious mental illness). And yet I was expected to do so for minimum wage. And it was, for the most part, a privilege.

BTW, another example of therapist entitlement/cluelessness is this statement from a therapist:

‘I'm puzzled why your study items seem to assume that class differences are a problem in therapy.’ (source)

 

[gooblax]

Yeah I see what you mean. Just avoiding working with people because it's inconvenient, despite more training and pay that one would hope could motivate them to help those people.

It'll be interesting to see how psych responds when I explain to him that the main reason I don't think he can help me with driving anxiety is because I know I'll need a greater amount of emotional support from him if I'm going to face that, and I don't believe that he's up for the job. I'd be safer doing it alone than with the help of someone whose help will be inadequate for meeting my needs, and our therapeutic relationship will not survive if he can't support me through it after saying he will.

 

[Daniel E.]

Regarding driving anxiety, there is a one-hour webinar here:

Overcoming the Fear of Driving

Do you have a fear of driving? Are you afraid of having a panic attack behind the wheel? Do you worry about losing control and causing an accident? The fear of driving can cripple your life, but there is a solution.

adaa.org

And an endorsement for OCD therapists:

How to Conquer Your Driving Anxiety, Phobia

Having a driving phobia can severely impact an older driver's mobility. Follow these tips to help reduce your fear of getting behind the wheel.

www.aarp.org

Therapists who are skilled in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and treating OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) are well-trained to help patients tackle phobias.

Of course, medications like SSRIs can also help...at least with the irritability you may feel towards the driving instructor

 

[gooblax]

This just seems too hard. I dunno how anyone does this.

 

[Daniel E.]

Does what?