My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

Haha It would also do things like alert of any things that the therapist needed to remember to tell the client, like "hey BTW my fee will be increasing next month" or "I'm going to be away for 6 weeks, here's the backup contact therapist I've prepared in case you need it over that time" etc.

And it would start talking over the therapist if s/he stopped being client-focused

 

[gooblax]

Surprisingly he replied to my email, thanking me for telling him that it made a difference and for letting him help

 

[Daniel E.]

Your therapist is now growing...as a result of you! Maybe you could become a therapist whisperer on the side

But I have had issues with the invoices, as I mentioned before. It has been like pulling teeth sometimes. That's part of the reason I went with a startup company/platform in the US called SonderMind, which matches clients with therapists, handles all the insurance/payment details, and provides the online video technology and appointment reminders. The invoices are generated within a week of the session. And if you need a superbill, you just contact the company, which is basically a middleman between the therapist and client except for setting up appointment times, etc.

But, if anything, they make it too easy to switch therapists:



(In exchange for the convenience, billing services, platform, and referrals, the therapist gets paid less. But the therapist is guaranteed payment, even if the insurance denies the claim.)

 

[gooblax]

My brain is sending "cancel the session" messages but it's not too bad yet. Psych was suggesting making the next appointment 5 weeks from the previous one, because he's on holidays after Easter (and was counting my week of holidays as not being a week, so he was saying that it was 4 weeks but that's not how time works lol). I managed to tell him that was too long if I was going to try to get started with driving lessons, which was a difficult sentence to say. So he fit me in as the last client on the day before he goes on holiday which was 13days from the appointment.
Which means that my thoughts are telling me that I'm being too needy and taking up his time for no reason.

 

[Daniel E.]

I am glad you are seeing him sooner than later, despite your uncertainty about what is “right.”

I am seeing my therapist twice this week. And I feel great now, but it is like an insurance policy. I also did it since I have no copays for telehealth until the end of the month. And sometimes the therapy is triggering or shifts the OCD channels. Like if I have the existential OCD addressed, then I have the OCD about going to prison to deal with until the boredom or Abilify or tai chi kicks in (which all three did).

In any case, therapy is good training to be a therapist or “good friend” to someone else. So if you want to put it in moral terms like that, why not if it helps? But there is no shortage of therapists here anyway. Mine is moonlighting for extra cash, haha, just like the last one.

 

[gooblax]

Yeah that's why I prefer having Thursday appointments rather than Tuesday - because if therapy sends my mood to **** then there's only one day to struggle through at work before the weekend. I don't think I'd cope with seeing him weekly though. We had our biggest problem when we briefly went from 3 weeks to 2 weeks then inadvertently back to 3.

I dunno how much I can buy into the reframe about it making me a better friend etc. given that I don't really want to spend time talking to people much in everyday life.

It probably has improved my tolerance of talking to people and organising things a bit though, eg. low social anxiety about seeing the dentist.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't even know how therapy works exactly. Besides the theraputic relationship and increasing cognitive flexibility, I think it helps me parly by being a ritual, and rituals have a long, even pre-human history of being helpful.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think it helps because it allows you to talk about things you'd never talk to anyone else about. And even just bringing certain things out verbally and aloud often helps to clarify them, even if the therapist doesn't help directly.

 

[Daniel E.]

just bringing certain things out verbally and aloud often helps to clarify them

Similarly, I noticed that another person talking about such things helps. The tai chi teacher was talking today about getting out of your head since it is normal to be everywhere but "here" -- instead of aware of your own senses. (The typical mindfulness stuff.)

 

[gooblax]

I think it helps because it allows you to talk about things you'd never talk to anyone else about. And even just bringing certain things out verbally and aloud often helps to clarify them, even if the therapist doesn't help directly.

Sometimes when I'm verbalising something my psych starts looking at me like I'm speaking Gooblaxian until I eventually say something that he can follow. It's been happening less lately which is probably good, but there's a lot of stuff that I'm unused to verbalising. I think it's working a bit like exposure therapy for my 1:1 conversation anxiety if nothing else, even though it's an atypical type of conversation.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes when I'm verbalising something my psych starts looking at me like I'm speaking Gooblaxian until I eventually say something that he can follow. It's been happening less lately which is probably good, but there's a lot of stuff that I'm unused to verbalising. I think it's working a bit like exposure therapy for my 1:1 conversation anxiety if nothing else, even though it's an atypical type of conversation.

Your job is to verbalize what's on your mind.

It's his job to translate from Gooblaxian to whatever language he speaks.

Just do your part and let him worry about his. If he is confused, he can ask questions. Not something for you to worry about at all.

You're there for you, not for him.

 

[Daniel E.]

Yes. And remember I was paid only $12 USD an hour (minimum wage) to understand what someone who can't verbalize was sometimes trying to communicate. Sometimes from a stroke and sometimes from autism. The overtime was nice though

 

[gooblax]

I dunno why I'm still going to therapy. This driving lesson thing is hopeless¹ and he can't help with it anyway. I'm still eventually going to kill myself in the next 20 years or so when I can get rid of obligations to other people. Things now are as good as they're going to be and it's been pretty good so it's not like I have any therapy goals left to work on other than to stop being a wimp.


Footnotes
¹ And not just because I'm still getting the stuff-around from the Department of Transport and Main Roads about renewing my license. The website said if my learner license expired less than 5 years ago I wouldn't have to do the new online test, I'd have to go in to an office, but didn't explain if I'd have to complete a written test when I'm there. But now since I've just passed the 5 year mark by 23 days I did the new online test. Then they say "because you're a returning driver you need to go to the office and bring these documents":
a) Obtain a returning driver certificate (not done) "Please note: You do not need a certificate if you have only held a learner license in the past."
b) Show identify documents & proof of address (Done)
c) Have your photo taken (Done)
SO WHAT THE F*** AM I MEANT TO SHOW THEM THEN?! Go in and say yes I have these 2 documents already checked off because I got a proof of ID card from you, and as you know I don't need this certificate so, uh, yeah! Whoohoo here I am! SO pleased to meet you and describe this stupid double-bind situation and eventually, once we're all on the same page about the situation and everything's adequately explained and the fresh sprig of a willow tree has been sacrificed to the paperwork system gods while chanting the qwerty keyboard layout backwards and hopping counterclockwise on my left leg through the queue barrier ropes, pay my fee here in person where it takes about 2 hours rather than pretty much instantaneously online. So pleased.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I dunno why I'm still going to therapy. This driving lesson thing is hopeless¹ and he can't help with it anyway. I'm still eventually going to kill myself in the next 20 years or so when I can get rid of obligations to other people. Things now are as good as they're going to be and it's been pretty good so it's not like I have any therapy goals left to work on other than to stop being a wimp.

Re-read what you wrote there again a few times and then expain why you think you have no therapy goals left.

 

[gooblax]

Re-read what you wrote there again a few times and then expain why you think you have no therapy goals left.

In an ideal world I might have goals like "make a life worth living such that this eventual 20 year plan isn't a thing anymore" or "don't give in to hopeless thinking" but they're not my goals and they're not realistic.

 

[Daniel E.]

I've felt the same way about my life, of course. It's also a security blanket (in a way) to tell yourself things won't get better -- because at least then you have certainty. But when I feel depressed and have lots of death/suicidal thoughts/obsessions, to the psychiatrist I need to go -- in addition to therapy. Like the last time I had a major epsiode (when you helped me and responsed), I was interested in doing the ketamine nasal spray. But the Abilify seems to work just as well -- added to my Prozac.

But since meds may not be your style (or until you feel comfortable with the idea of them), there are lots of other options like yoga or tai chi and Zoom support groups Part of the value of the tai chi for me comes from being in a group -- a sense of belonging. Most of the people who take tai chi are not exactly extroverts. Just going to a used bookstore or my favorite take-out place though gives me the same feeling of belonging, too.

BTW, one of the reasons I like quotes so much is that I remember them when I am depressed or anxious, e.g. "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

 

[gooblax]

I tried tai chi from a YouTube tutorial one time and practiced the short routine for a couple of weeks. Couldn't imagine doing it in a group. But then I like not having to deal with other people and am not so fussed about belonging anywhere as long as I've got my own space. Other people doing the same thing is more of a barrier than an advantage for me.

I guess things are seeming more hopeless than usual at the moment. I'd been calling myself lazy for not going on a bike ride for a week, but realistically it wasn't safe to ride Mon or Tues cause of the rain/flooding, I had a work trip on Wed, Thurs I rode my bike to get it serviced (and added a bit of extra riding on the bike path although I didn't want to go too far because of the grinding feeling of the drivechain) so its really only Friday that I was lazy. I made myself go today on the silly fixed gear bike. Turned out to be a bit unpleasant but I'm glad I did it compared to not doing it.
I dunno. Just kind of miserable.

 

[Daniel E.]

But then I like not having to deal with other people and am not so fussed about belonging anywhere as long as I've got my own space.

That may be how some tai chi instructors feel too

 

[gooblax]

I think it'd be best to call off next week's session, but if I do then I have to be ready to never see him again and I don't want that to happen.

 

[Daniel E.]

Why do you think that would be best? Based on your previous posts, I would have guessed it would best for you to keep that session. Is this another round of "I'm weak if I go to therapy" ?

BTW, I can tell if I like a therapist depending on how frequently I joke with them. But that also has to do with my mood or where I am in the OCD cycle. I joked during the last session: "OK, now that I told you all this, are you going to be client-centered or do have suggestions?" She knew I was joking but I made sure anyway I was actually wanting suggestions if she had any. She is more client-centered than most therapists but always provides her insight or views after a while -- which is good for me.