My ongoing therapy dilemma

[David Baxter PhD]

I agree. I don't know why you would call it off...

 

[gooblax]

The reasons for cancelling are:
- I don't really need to see him
- 2 weeks feels uncomfortably short this time
- I haven't done anything positive or made progress with the driving lessons so I dunno what I'd even talk about with him
- it seems like the session is at a time that would inconvenience my psych and I don't want to be an inconvenience

 

[Daniel E.]

This whole driving thing is becoming another way of putting yourself down?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The reasons for cancelling are:
- I don't really need to see him

Well I think you need to see somebody. Otherwise, you wouldn't be having this debate with yourself.

- 2 weeks feels uncomfortably short this time

That may be legit. But then if you wait to the next cycle, it will likely be too long.

- I haven't done anything positive or made progress with the driving lessons so I dunno what I'd even talk about with him

You have other concerns and issues. Talk about one of those. A change from driving may well be helpful anyway.

- it seems like the session is at a time that would inconvenience my psych and I don't want to be an inconvenience

Let him worry about him and what's convenient or inconvenient. He is your therapist. You are not his therapist. You get to focus just on you. Be "selfish" for a change and do just that. That's the main perk of therapy.

 

[Daniel E.]

- I haven't done anything positive or made progress with the driving lessons so

From the solution-focused perspective, you are making progress even when you don't realize it.

 

[Daniel E.]

- 2 weeks feels uncomfortably short this time

A reminder:

Therapy Constipation

What to do when you feel blocked in therapy.

www.psychologytoday.com

"What do I want?" and "How do I feel?": Most therapy sessions boil down to these two essential questions. They can serve as a "home base" for you during sessions. If you reach a moment where you feel stuck and don't know what to say, you can always come back to these questions. You can even say them aloud - it will help the therapist know what you're thinking about.

 

[Daniel E.]

Questions for possible consideration: Perhaps you need to just take the pressure off of yourself to "perform" in therapy and always have things to talk about? Do you feel a lot of unwanted uncertainty about how "well" the session will turn out or how you will seem in therapy? Or do you feel that having an agenda prevents your therapist from going off track and triggering you by saying something stupid?

 

[gooblax]

This whole driving thing is becoming another way of putting yourself down?

If I'd done something about it then it wouldn't be. But as it stands I still haven't got my learner's license yet. If I'd known I still had to go in to a department office then I should've done that on Friday rather than completing the learning modules too late in the day to go do it. So tomorrow I have to go in (or call first to find out if I should go in... given that we now have another COVID outbreak here I'd even more prefer not make an unnecessary trip).

From the solution-focused perspective, you are making progress even when you don't realize it.

Sure, completing the learning modules and qualifying for the license (and hopefully even getting the license early next week before the session) is something. But it's not enough progress to have a discussion about - for that I'd need to have had a lesson already.

You have other concerns and issues. Talk about one of those. A change from driving may well be helpful anyway.

Do I, though? At this point, what issues do I really, actually have? Even the driving thing is surmountable so I'm not sure that there's any point.

Let him worry about him and what's convenient or inconvenient. He is your therapist. You are not his therapist. You get to focus just on you. Be "selfish" for a change and do just that. That's the main perk of therapy.

Obviously it was indeed inconvenient - he emailed today saying that an earlier slot freed up (my usual slot) and wants to know if it's ok to shift my appointment there. I just saw the email while typing this so I'm still undecided about what I'll reply with, regarding keeping the session (which would be yes it's fine to move it) or cancelling. If I keep it I also have to clarify whether he actually means Thursday (what he typed in the email) or if it's a typo/slipup for Wednesday (which is what we'd previously discussed, because he mentioned not being able to have a session on Thursday due to school holidays, but he'd mentioned having a client in my usual timeslot on Wednesday which was why I was going to have to have a later appointment). So that's not an added complication at all. Or I could just leave it and find out via the automatic text message reminder whether he meant Wed or Thurs... in case I wanted to invite additional stress.

A reminder:

It would be really weird trying to talk about what I'm feeling during a therapy session just off the bat like that. I don't think it would be productive or useful. I get that that's the place to do it, but it just seems unnatural and kind of gross.

Questions for possible consideration: Perhaps you need to just take the pressure off of yourself to "perform" in therapy and always have things to talk about? Do you feel a lot of unwanted uncertainty about how "well" the session will turn out or how you will seem in therapy?

If I don't have something to talk about then we won't talk about anything, or we'll talk about something unhelpful, and then I'll get upset about wasting the session.

Or do you feel that having an agenda prevents your therapist from going off track and triggering you by saying something stupid?

Yes, that too.

 

[Daniel E.]

I have learned from the "bad" therapy experiences I have had in the last year that it's good to have a backup. Like the group therapy, or this forum, or the tai chi lady or even the employees at Panera Bread (The employees at Panera Bread, Jimmy John's, etc. accept communal tips, and they are consistently nice and often provide uplifting "micro social events.") Whatever works. But I like to have multiple backups.

For me, I love therapy partly for clarification/crystalization of my goals and thinking. Because of OCD/anxiety, I am often in murky waters -- or it feels that way. So many things feel/are uncertain, and therapy is a way for me to "ruminate" in a positive way. And it is a way for me to postpone some negative/circular/paralyzing rumination until therapy (a way of outsourcing some of the unhelpful rumination).

In any case, I plan to keep a worry journal to review at my next session.

 

[gooblax]

I replied saying that it's ok to swap the appointment. I'll trust that he means what he typed, which is that the appointment is on Thursday rather than Wednesday. If not, he's a big boy and can sort it out.

Brisbane is going into a 3 day lockdown tomorrow anyway, so it's not like I could have grand plans for the day even if I had the nerve to do anything. Off the hook there. Seems like I've hit the coincidence jackpot in terms of lockdowns when I'm on leave from work.

I tried calling the roads department about what I need to do for my licence but it was going to be a 15 minute wait on the phone to get someone to answer, and I bet they would've just made me go in... So I'm on the train now going in today before I lose my chance via the lockdown.

Hopefully the bike servicing guy texts me today that my bike is ready. We'll be allowed out for exercise during the lockdown so I could probably walk there, get the bike and ride home. But I don't know if I'd be able to get the bus there in good conscience.

After the roads department I might go buy strings for my electric guitar because one snapped on the weekend (they were old and rusty anyway cause I never use it). Of course it made me feel like getting a new amp since my old one sucks.

 

[gooblax]

No strings or amp, or bubble tea, or speculoos donut from Krispy Kreme. Just coming straight home. Don't want to deal with the people, or my phone not wanting to load transport routes, or the hot sun and needing to put on sunscreen if I'm going to stay outside. Got my paper license though, and they'll send the card by the end of next month.

I guess I'll just get a few more groceries later and call it quits for the rest of the holiday. I dunno. Still debating using the appointment to say goodbye to psych. Dunno if I should use my holiday to get ahead of some work instead. Sneak in some work off the books. Or just use it to off myself since I don't have to be anywhere, even though I don't want to kill myself I don't really want to do anything else.

Yesterday I bought a huge jar of dried yeast so I could try making pretzels again, as if I need food to make me any fatter. But that might be something to do, other than just trying to win all the races in Mario Kart.

 

[Daniel E.]

Me in therapy yesterday talking about my medication history: "The Wellbutrin made me lose 5 pounds, but I fixed that by eating more cake "

 

[gooblax]

Booked driving lesson for Wednesday after:

1. Some googling to see if lessons have previously gone ahead during lockdowns. Usually yes, with masks, as long as the people are ok with it.
2. Trying to decide between two people who had good reviews which included at least some mention of people with anxiety. One had a photo and the other didn't, so photo-man wins.
3. Getting anxiety paralysis when it came to actually hitting the 'book lesson' button but eventually just doing it because the alternative is just continuing being anxious but not book it and that's fucking useless.

Can cancel up to 5 hours beforehand.

I also had to go pick up my bike. The chain is now slipping under high torque which it never did before, so I'll have to see if I can sort that out.

 

[gooblax]

I just re-booked a driving lesson with the same guy. There's only 2 people that go through that website 'marketplace' who service my suburb, and he's the one I prefer based on reviews. (Even going to the next suburb over only adds 1 more person.) Neither of them have much availability at all this month, so it's not until the 27th after work that day. Feeling a little bit nervous about it now but hopefully that will be short lived since it's so far away.

I'd discussed it with my psych and told him that they were pretty booked up so when I did book it, it wouldn't be til the end of the month at the earliest. And we decided to shelve the topic until I'd booked a new lesson. So I guess now we'll have something to talk about next session.

Psych was asking about my physical anxiety symptoms re. the stomach ache I had related to the lesson, but I found that too gross to elaborate on.

 

[gooblax]

Having a lot of mixed thoughts tonight - thinking about things I didn't say to my psych, and thinking that I kind of miss the counselor.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you not have the option to reconnect with the counselor, @gooblax?

Ruminating over things said and left unsaid is one of the most frequent symptoms of OCD. It's exhausting.

 

[Daniel E.]

Rewind, Replay, Repeat is one of my favorite books on OCD. Not necessarily for self help but for understanding OCD.

 

[gooblax]

Do you not have the option to reconnect with the counselor, @gooblax?

Yeah I can, although I need a good reason. I'd do it if things got too hard with my psych again, but otherwise there's no good reason for it.

 

[Daniel E.]

Maybe it would help to balance need/want/intuition (on the one hand) and reason (on the other), giving more weight to the former.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yeah I can, although I need a good reason. I'd do it if things got too hard with my psych again, but otherwise there's no good reason for it.

What is a good reason? Is wanting to talk with the counselor not reason enough?