My ongoing therapy dilemma

[Daniel E.]

There's also the solution-focused approach of just doing more of what you are already doing that helps. Seeing exceptions to the problem. Seeing problems as more on a scale than as present or absent.

 

[Daniel E.]

I always find the DBT terminology to be so belittling but that infographic is non offensive.

What I found interesting about DBT (years ago when I first read about it) was that distracting things like Netflix are seen as coping skills rather than as avoidance. I did have less rumination last night while binge watching Halston

 

[gooblax]

For me the difference would be intentions, like mindless or mindful distraction.

I was thinking about what I said earlier, and it's really only one time that the feelings ended badly. The other times I managed them OK either without the person knowing and/or without it really affecting them. So it's not doomed to end badly with psych, which is nice to realise.

 

[gooblax]

The "quit therapy" thoughts have been fairly soft/non-emotional over the weekend. I read something last night that set off my anger/disgust at the weakness of humans and myself but tried to "let it go" and other than a bit of keyboard mashing didn't do anything I regret. Feeling a bit hopeless about the clothing situation and like it's going to be pointless having a therapy session this week.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

re: "the clothing situation"

You know, an acceptable answer to the problem the psych posed is, "I don't know".

In fact, sometimes that's the best answer in therapy because it puts the question back in his hands for him to ask questions and explore (1) what other questions you need to ask to answer the clothing question, and (2) why the question is a difficult one for you. That could be a very productive session.

 

[gooblax]

It's just going to be too hard to have anything eventuate from this topic. Like what, I'm actually going to go buy a suit from somewhere? Where the hell am I going to do that? Plus I need a shirt, and shoes, and a new belt. And a new wallet just to top it off because my current one is coming apart and I had to revert back to the old one I didn't like but was given years ago as a gift. Like maybe a couple of those things would have been achievable, but certainly not the suit. But if I assume that's actually happening, do I get one for wearing with or without a binder? Not that I'd even get that far but it would need to be decided.

It's just so farfetched that I'd actually go buy all this stuff so it was stupid to accept the party invitation.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't understand. Why is buying a new suit not achievable? And I'm confused about the binder part: is that an Australian part or is it the normal 3-ring type of binder for holding papers? If so, what does that have to do with the suit?

 

[gooblax]

Because I've never done it before. I can hardly ever get up the nerve to try regular clothes on in a large department store, and it's even worse in smaller stores. Plus a suit is like more attention-drawing than regular clothes.

I mean a chest binder / compression singlet/bra. Which changes the shape of my chest, and the type of shirt I'd be able to wear, and the way the suit would fit.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thank you for that explanation.

Although actually a smaller store is often more "private" when it comes to trying things on. I always bought my suits from a small Moore's store in a local strip mall. That franchise does have stores in larger indoor malls but they were too busy for my tastes and I got less personal service so I just avoided those. (Plus I hate giant indoor malls on principle.)

 

[gooblax]

In small stores I feel too conspicuous, especially when there's not many other people. Then it takes me awhile to calm down enough to actually evaluate what I'm looking at - I can stand around visually seeing that there are clothes in front of me, but I can't think about whether they're something I want or not (beyond the obvious) until I've relaxed. It's even worse if someone comes over to 'help'.

Whereas in department stores, no one's going to come up to me while I'm relaxing into an evaluation mindset and there are more people in the store so I'm more anonymous. But then they have someone manning the fitting rooms, so I can't go there without an interaction which negates the previously enjoyed anonymity.

Now with a suit, I'm going to need help because I don't know anything about them. I'm going to ask on a local "gender nonconforming" group page to see where people in my situation recommend to get suits since there are obviously some specific issues if I don't want to end up in like a ladies powersuit (and even if I did, I still dunno where I'd go for that).

 

[Daniel E.]

(Plus I hate giant indoor malls on principle.)

I still remember some people sewing some of their own garments using patterns they bought. My grandmother would make some for me when I was a young child. Soon they will probably offer that at Fiverr

 

[David Baxter PhD]

One of the big malls here used to have a store that offered that, plus alterations and repairs.

 

[gooblax]

This whole endeavour is pointless. I'm not going to be able to fit in anything anyway so there's no use.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This whole endeavour is pointless. I'm not going to be able to fit in anything anyway so there's no use.

“If you don’t try, your odds of success are zero.” ~ Amanda Hill

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." ~ Walter Gretzky, father of Wayne Gretzky

"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable." ~ Coco Chanel

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?" ~ Vincent van Gogh

"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

"Do one thing every day that scares you." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"There is no failure except in no longer trying." ~ Elbert Hubbard

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it." ~ Ambrose Bierce

 

[gooblax]

It will either fit or it won't, though. And reality is, my XS size shirt is almost too big at the shoulders but I have too big of a gut to wear it. Basically the only option is to lose weight back to where I was at in 2017 when I could wear my 2XS shirt. Until then I'm just too fat to go out.

 

[Daniel E.]

Isn't this a very common issue? One way of putting it: the clothes are wearing you (instead of you wearing the clothes) when the fit/style isn't good for you. In which case, maybe you just need to learn more about fashion which is relatively easy to do with Google and Youtube.

Personally, I look "slimmer" (less overweight) in polo shirts than regular t-shirts, partly because of the V-neck nature of polo shirts. Not to mention that polo shirts are better designed in the first place (at up to $70 each compared to a $5 Hanes T-shirt). (Most of the designer clothes in my closet are from well-off people who donate to thrift stores or is a relatively-cheap, less-popular designer brand sold at Amazon.)

BTW:

Help! Curvy enby needs fashion advice...

I am nonbinary, afab and sadly on the curvier side in terms of body type. The worst areas are my hips and butt which just look too big and feminine for my taste. Those two areas also trigger my dysphoria whenever I see them. I want an androgynous looking, rectangular body, but I just cant find an...

www.asexuality.org

You can also try shoulder pads and high necks

 

[gooblax]

Isn't this a very common issue? One way of putting it: the clothes are wearing you (instead of you wearing the clothes) when the fit/style isn't good for you. In which case, maybe you just need to learn more about fashion which is relatively easy to do with Google and Youtube.

I guess, but if I didn't have to go out anywhere then it wouldn't be as much of an issue. I definitely don't know anything about fashion - a couple of decades of being told I'm wrong for wanting to wear the things I wanted to wear will kind of do that.
Psych was going to try to help a bit after I'd done my homework of picking a style for the party but it seems unhelpable. Could be learned helplessness I guess.

 

[gooblax]

It was a good session today.

• I asked about the billing situation. He'd hired someone to do it but they haven't been good at sorting it out, so he's planning on doing it himself soon (and probably won't keep that person he'd hired).
• He gave me a suggestion for the 'cancel session' thoughts - to remind myself of the progress I've made by having therapy sessions, and reminding myself that the sessions have been going well and we've been feeling connected and stuff, and so there's no reason to think about cancelling if there's any negativity associated with it because those negative thoughts are just a habit. Dunno how helpful it'll be but I said I'd try.
• I managed to bring up my minor shy bladder problem that affects me at work. Apparently he's never had a client with that specific problem but has given me one suggestion (which I was thinking of doing anyway tbh, but I kept forgetting to try it). But it's good that I managed to bring it up, because it's certainly become a bigger problem since my team moved into the larger office.
• We spoke about the clothing thing, and for the moment I'm not feeling hopeless about it. He was really encouraging about it, and even hypothetically said he'd go to the shops with me if I was in Sydney (which may have just been because it can't actually happen, but it was a nice spoken gesture even if actually doing that wouldn't have seemed like a good idea if it were possible). We also discussed the fact that my parents are visiting soon and although my mum always takes me shopping so it'd be an opportunity to get stuff, in reality it might just discourage me further considering how she contributed to the problem in the first place.

 

[gooblax]

I don't know how any of this is ok. It shouldn't be ok to talk about things with my psych or to tell him information about things or to feel like I like talking to him.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know how any of this is ok. It shouldn't be ok to talk about things with my psych or to tell him information about things or to feel like I like talking to him.

I'm officially confused by this.

Isn't that what talking to any therapist is all about? What about it makes you think it's not okay?