My ongoing therapy dilemma

[gooblax]

Keep at it, @gooblax

It will get easier the more you do it.

I discovered:
a) Looking at shoes is easier than looking at suits. I used to have a really hard time relaxing enough to look at shoes, but suits is a whole step and a half above that. In the two shoe shops I went into I didn't have a very hard time aside from realising I don't actually know what I need to be looking for to get something that would go with this hypothetical suit.
b) As time went on, I was able to get a bit further out of my head and into looking at stuff. I spent about an hour across maybe 8 different shops - that post was 45 minutes into it but it did get a bit better after that. The first was crazy difficult even though it was just a skate shoes/clothes store (not what I needed to get but I needed to start somewhere), but by the end of it I actually touch-looked (like the type of looking where you pull something out to get a better look at it) at a blazer even though it wasn't something I'd get for the party and there wasn't a proper 'suit section' of that store so it wasn't as hard.
c) I found one store that was a little bit bigger than the others and less intimidating where it might someday be easier to get something off the rack and try it on.
d) Some of the mens clothing stores had only women working there. Which theoretically shouldn't be as intimidating.

But I don't know how I'm going to get from here to trying-on-suit-items-and-buying-one-and-then-probably-getting-pant-hems-and-sleeves-tailored-so-they-don't-look-silly within 4 weekends (one of which is unavailable because my parents will be here).
Psych recommended keeping my parents out of it because it's none of their business, but I really think I'm going to need some shopping help if I want to get it done in time for the party.

 

[gooblax]

Positive: Psych's bathroom suggestion has been successful twice.

Negative: Found out that I'm going to be getting some negative feedback about one of my tasks. Apparently they don't like the approach, which was decided by the chief engineer so it's not all on me. Still, it's messed up my mood for the afternoon.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What was the "bathroom suggestion"?

 

[gooblax]

What was the "bathroom suggestion"?

That if someone else is in the bathroom at work (which is the scenario triggers my paruresis problem), I should try flushing the toilet to create noise and see if it helps.

 

[gooblax]

Things just seem pointless at the moment. I'm on a 3 day holiday with my parents and we drove to stay somewhere. Just seeing people being out and doing things... I'm never going to be normal enough for enjoying going out to do things or whatever. It's never going to be a comfortable, enjoyable or relaxing thing or whatever. So what's the point of even trying?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why set as your goals to be like other people? or more accurately, like the way you perceive other people to be (and appearances can be very deceiving)?

There are things you enjoy doing. They don't have to be what you think other people enjoy doing.

In my 20s, I tried to be like other people and to enjoy the things other people seemed to enjoy. It really didn't work for me and it was a relief when I was able to admit that and start doing what I actually did enjoy.

For example, I never enjoyed large parties where I didn't know many of the people there. I never really enjoyed sightseeing on holiday - I enjoyed sampling the food in different places but looking at old architecture and museums really did nothing for me. I hated outdoor concerts where everyone just pushes and mills around with no assigned seating. Really, I disliked anything with large crowds, although if it were a band I really liked and they had assigned seating I could go and enjoy that. I never really enjoyed clubbing or pub crawling.

The key is to make a list of things you do enjoy and do those things. Stop pretending you are everyone else — half of those people are just doing those things because they believe they are supposed to like doing them.

There are natural extraverts. I can fake that if I have to but it's no me. I'm an introvert. I like doing things that involve a small group of people I actually know and like and that can be as simple as an evening sharing a meal and conversation in a restaurant or in somebody's home. I hate beaches, as much because I have a strong sensitivity to the sun so lying out in the sun on a beach is the opposite of what I want to do, which is to find shade and stay out of the sun. I like walking in nature though and, when my eyes were better, photographing nature. I don't like camping in tents although camping in a cabin can be enjoyable with the right person or small group.

That's not an exhaustive list for me but you can see the commonalities: small groups and quieter activities. And even then, time on my own to decompress away from everyone else is essential.

What would your list look like?

 

[gooblax]

I dunno, there are things I want to do but I'm too much of a coward to do them.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Like what? Name them?

 

[gooblax]

I don't want to name them. I feel nervous just thinking about naming them.​

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Fair enough.

 

[gooblax]

I realised there's one I can say, which is that I like indoor rock climbing even though I'm not good at it and am not fit, which is why I'm not confident enough to go on my own to a bouldering gym (where you stay low enough that you don't need a partner doing belaying on a rope).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you know anyone who would go with you?

 

[gooblax]

I know some of the guys at work do it but I don't want to go with them.

 

[gooblax]

Thinking of cancelling my therapy session, again. The sessions are helpful but I feel like I don't deserve it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

@gooblax you absolutely DO deserve it. And if the sessions are helpful there is no rational or logical reason whatsoever to cancel them.

 

[gooblax]

But could it be rational in a moral sense, rather than a logical sense? Others deserve his time more than I do. At the base level, he deserves his time now than I do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No. That's just that negative critical OCD voice in your mind talking and it has nothing to to with objective reality or logic or rationality.

 

[gooblax]

I feel like I need to shield him from the negative things that are associated with me, though. Like he would be happier if he never needed to deal with me again and it's my responsibility to help with that. I want him to be happy even though the way for me to help with that is going to hurt me. Maybe you don't see it as logical but it's about doing the right thing, or really my selfishness in not being strong enough to do the right thing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's not about selfishness or doing the right thing.

He is a therapist. It is not your job to take care of him or protect him. It's up to him to look after himself.

Therapy is perhaps the only place anywhere that is totally about you. That is not being selfish. That's what therapy is for and what it's designed to be.

 

[Daniel E.]

No. That's just that negative critical OCD voice in your mind talking and it has nothing to to with objective reality or logic or rationality.

And with OCD, two common feelings are guilt and doubt. And so it's easy for the brain to feel the guilt and then stay stuck on a reason/rationale to feel guilty. Like how depressed people will rationalize their depression.