My Story...

[Chibi]

And now that I have your attention, Hi! I'm Erin, though I prefer to be called Chibi.

I've been poking around on the internet looking for some support forums to try to help me understand and get through some of my rough patches. I love my friends and my family, and they try to help and understand, but sometimes I just feel like that's sometimes worse. I'm stubborn to a 'T' and I HATE asking anyone for help. Unfortunately I think that's a lot of what has caused me to get into the situation I'm currently in.

I had just moved into a new apartment, new job, survived a crash course in CSR training and dealing with scary rich customers during the Christmas season in one of Ontario's busiest malls, and then I just couldn't deal anymore. I would start telling my roommates I was going out for walks at odd hours (not exactly the smartest move having been living in a bad neighbourhood), and I'd either walk around, or I would go sit in the lobby and try not to cry. I hate crying... I would like to go one day without crying, but I digress. My living situation wasn't exactly ideal, one of my roommates was fairly inconsiderate when I would have a moment. He would kick me out of the bathroom if I was taking too long when that was really the only place I could go to cry by myself without them really seeing. Later I would just go sit in the hall closet and cry in there and sometimes fall asleep.

I was legitimately sick over the holidays and I felt bad about that, I'd also asked for one or two days off so I could go up North to be with family over the holidays, but after New Year's I started calling in. I was having panic attacks so bad I was making myself violently ill, I figured (because I'm stubborn and in denial) that it was just the tail end of the flu I'd had and it wasn't going away. And then I just snapped, I made a frantic phone call to a friend, and he drove over an hour to come and get me and take me home to my parents.

I've had bad weeks, but this was one of the worst, I was afraid and scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a valid health card since my wallet had been stolen before Christmas, I had no idea what was wrong with me and I didn't know who to go to for help. My mom took me into the emergency room and within a week I was seeing a doctor. I have since been diagnosed with: Severe Depression, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social, General, and Health Anxiety (I'm not sure what the difference between the three are), and Insomnia (hence my 1am post).

In 6 months I just feel like I've gone no where, I have a hard time thinking anyone really understands me, which I guess is why I've been looking for forums. I -know- there's lots of other people who suffer the same and people who have it worse off than I do, but...I don't know I think I just need to talk to people...or at least have a place I can vomit words onto a screen and not worry about people calling me 'emo' or to 'smile more and cheer up' (My first doctor told me to do that....... my friend has renamed him as Pinkie Pie)

I guess that's all for now...maybe when I'm in a better headspace, I'll try to post a happier message about myself rather than what I've been going through. Just as a warning though, I'm a huge nerd...

Cheers
<3 Chibi

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My mom took me into the emergency room and within a week I was seeing a doctor. I have since been diagnosed with: Severe Depression, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social, General, and Health Anxiety (I'm not sure what the difference between the three are), and Insomnia (hence my 1am post).

1. Are you on any medications?

2. Are you receiving any form of psychotherapy from this doctor?

 

[Chibi]

1. Are you on any medications?

2. Are you receiving any form of psychotherapy from this doctor?

Right now I'm on Zoloft, Ativan, and I was just given Zopiclone to help with the insomnia.
For a while I was seeing him every two weeks, now I only see him once a month and even that is hard, I'm not comfortable going to see him, and its not anything to do with him, just...I don't feel comfortable.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Right now I'm on Zoloft, Ativan, and I was just given Zopiclone to help with the insomnia.

That's good. How long have you been taking the Zoloft? What are the doses? Are they helping?

For a while I was seeing him every two weeks, now I only see him once a month and even that is hard, I'm not comfortable going to see him, and its not anything to do with him, just...I don't feel comfortable.

Were you doing therapy in those sessions or just updating medications?

 

[Chibi]

The Zoloft is 200mg and no it isn't helping. He's upped it from 10mg to the 200mg in 4 months and still I feel nothing. The Ativan is only .5mg because any more makes me REALLY lethargic and I can't do anything. They're also the kind that I can take when I'm having a panic attack and I can pop them in and they dissolve under my tongue.

We've been doing therapy...sort of. It's mostly talk therapy I suppose. Mostly I think he gets frustrated with me because I know I am feeling something I just have a hard time identifying what or why I'm feeling what I am

 

[David Baxter PhD]

After 4 months, maybe it's time to talk to your doctor about trying another medication instead of Zoloft.

The Ativan at 0.5 mg should be good though, and the sublingual version is ideal for panic disorder.

 

[Chibi]

I was actually hoping during my last appointment he would switch me off the Zoloft, he had said he would if after increasing it so much I still didn't feel any better. Sadly my last appointment didn't last that long and I while I understand why it kind of miffed me a bit. It takes a lot for me to get up and get to these appointments. I don't feel comfortable doing it and someone (Usually my mom or grandmother) has to come with me to help me just get up to his office without having a panic attack and running away. It makes me feel silly, at 27 I need someone to hold my hand. le-sigh.

It was cut short because he didn't think it was fair to ask the usual 'how are you feeling today' questions when I've been suffering from Insomnia and only getting 1 or 2 hours a sleep every 3 days or so, and I agree with him, because the lack of sleep makes me feel like crap! My next appointment isn't for another month I'm not entirely sure what to do if the Zopiclone doesn't start working either because I'm still not sleeping. Is that something I should maybe go into Emergency with??

 

[sweetsoleil]

Hi chibi

Dont feel silly about having support with you for your appointments. Im 40 years old and i only make maybe 2/10 of my Dr appointments for the same reason.... if i can make it to the parking lot of my doctors office, im having a good day! Get me out of my car and into the waiting room, and only god knows whats going to happen next..whether i run, stay, panic or dissociate, i dont know until it happens. I always am embarrassed at appointments. Lets just hope that at some point we wont feel this way.

Thats what family is for...to support through hard times so dont feel at all silly that you need them for that. Im sure they need you for things that you help them with as well, plus family members like feeling helpful so im sure they love to be able to help you out

Im not sure what to suggest about having to wait another month... i always have to wait quite a while for my appointments as my Dr is always so booked up, but maybe you could ask to go in earlier than that?

 

[Chibi]

Grrrr so frustrated right now!!!

I finally got through to EI yesterday to see what the heck was up with my benefits since they were due to be reviewed June 7th and I hadn't heard back from them. APPARENTLY they were missing some information off of the secondary package I sent them, but never thought that I might need to know this??

Not only that but my claim through my insurance at work was closed/denied because they also said they're missing information. I had no word of anything, not to mention my case worker never contacted me after several emails.

I don't know what to do anymore -_-

 

[rdw]

That sucks but
1. get the information to EI and yes they can be a bureaucratic nightmare for everyone
2. Find out what information you need to supply to your insurance company for those benefits
If you make a list before you talk to them, you may find it easier. And then cross off those items as accomplished - Yeah! One step at a time...

 

[forgetmenot]

Call your doctor ok see if you can get in on an earlier appt or phone and see if meds can be changed before next appt time.
It is important to get the EI information sent to them as soon as possible and the information to your insurance company ok do those things today if you can

I know it can be a pain but just do it so that stress will be off your mind hugs

 

[Chibi]

Happy really late New years?? Happy Ground-hog day? Happy belated Me-Day!?

It's been a long time since I've posted on the forums. It's not necessarily because I've been doing better... but I did move. I moved in with 3 of my closest friends, and though they're not always there, or not always observant when I have a moment where I sneak off to the storage closet or the shower to cry to myself... they're the best friends I could wish for right now. They help make it a little bit easier for me to deal with everything I'm going through.

The Prognosis at this point is:
Severe Depression
Social Anxiety Disorder
Severe Panic Disorder
General Anxiety Disorder
Depersonalization Disorder (this is a new one )
Insomnia
Agoraphobia
Obsessive Compulsion Disorder

As of the end of January it has been 1 year since I had my initial break down and went into the emergency room with my mother. Since then I've seen 4 different doctors and I have been on a half dozen pills... none of them seem to work (with the exception of the Imovane which worked TOO well and made me hallucinate dinosaurs ). I'm feeling a little down right now, I mean I always hate February, between my birthday which was the 4th and "Singles Awareness Day" it's just sort of a crappy month for me.... but I think it's getting to me that it's been a year, and I honestly don't feel any different. I've mentioned this to my doctor and he seems to not think it matters. I know it's a long road to recovery but...a little bit of noticeable progress would be nice.... maybe??

Cheers
Chibi Lenne

 

[MHealthJo]

Sorry to hear things have not changed that much for you Chibi. But glad you have support from friends and family, and your better living situation now.

Wondering, have you been able to do much reading up about what you are going through? It can be so hard to concentrate and do it... but when you can, it can sometimes help things start moving a bit.... And other peoples stories of their suffering and recovery can be quite soothing sometimes, and keep hope there. Hope can be a really important thing. xx

 

[Chibi]

I have some books that I've been reading that were recommended by my doctor. The Mindful Way through Anxiety, Mind Over Mood, and The Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety. My concentration is still pretty bad, I can read about a page at time before I just can't, which is doubly sad since I used to love reading.

I've google searched some and read through a few blogs and journals of other people who have been going through similar, but it hasn't seemed to help. If anything it makes me feel worse because of thoughts of no hope, or guilt that I am so being self-centered and that there are people out there who are worse off than me. It's a vicious cycle and I know avoiding it doesn't necessarily help me get out of it.

Chibi

 

[MHealthJo]

Oh, that's hard, yeah.... the difficult feelings where we start thinking we are self-centred, or beating ourselves up for not doing 'enough'.... when really we have difficult, major illnesses that make the work a big challenge, and its ok to have compassion for ourselves. Tough remembering that!

Glad you have got some resources though. I would have to recommend also Feeling Good by David Burns - wonderful CBT resource for those negative outlooks and self-criticisms that sap our positivity and motivation even more - and Climbing Out of Depression by Sue Atkinson - great for when we just need to foster self-compassion and just survive the really bad times.

Hope things move a bit more for you soon so that you can get back to cosplaying. Haha I'd like to do Yoko Littner one day... better get into the gym.....

And it WILL improve - using the right tools again and again, the brain DOES change. (check out the wiki page for CBT to boost your confidence in the tools.) Also the right meds.... More meds are coming out all the time; you will find the right key for you too.

 

[Chibi]

Update time:

It's been a rough month, up down up down up down, I feel like I should be getting motion sickness from the way my moods go. Doctor has prescribed Welbutrin to go along with the Cymbalta since I'm now apparently maxed out on strength on that one and still no change. I've had one really bad episode that ended up scaring my roommates.

I don't think of self harming very often, but I have had the thoughts. I wear bracelets with sayings on them to remind myself that there are people out there that care for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I've tried snapping rubber bands on my wrists, and holding a handful of ice cubes, again sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Last week I was having a particularly bad day, I woke up in a depressive state and I just couldn't shake it. By the time dinner was over, I had just had it. Quietly I told my one roommate that I was going to go and have a shower, nothing new or exciting. {graphic details deleted}

My roommate knocking on the door snapped me out of it, and I instantly felt WORSE, because of course in that mind set, it was all my fault right? And I felt like a completely horrible person. I've since told all my roommates as well as my mother and have made a promise that if I get that bad again, I will get someone to take me to the ER for crisis help.

My next appointment is Monday, and I'll be bringing this up, my mother and roommates are pushing me to get a new doctor, but I don't know. I shut down around this one, I become non committal and non-confrontational.... we'll see how it goes.

Oh and to add to all of this? My ODSP is put on hold. Why? Because the case worker that I started with decided not to tell me that the fax # I have to send the paperwork to every month has changed, I have a new case worker, and she didn't forward the paperwork I sent for February to said new case worker. UGH So aggravated with how little compassion, understanding, and sometimes common sense, these people have!!

I just want one thing to go right this month... just one