Narcissism And What's Underneath

[David Baxter PhD]

Narcissism And What's Underneath
Simone Hoermann, Ph.D.
Mar 15th 2010

A week ago, Henry I. Miller wrote a commentary in Forbes.com, responding to Al Gore?s op-ed article on global warming in the New York Times. Miller?s main point is that he diagnoses, if not to say accuses, Al Gore with having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The label NPD seems to have become more and more of a household term. It appears to be ?en vogue? to identify NPD in others, particularly those we dislike or who we disagree with, as a way of discrediting them. This pejorative attitude makes sense, given that the destructive effects of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the people surrounding the narcissist can be tremendous, and examples are plenty. I have touched upon this in a previous blog.

Miller?s article, though, reminds me of conversation I had recently with the renowned psychiatrist Dr. Frank Yeomans, a leading expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Frank Yeomans pointed out that we commonly think narcissists are egotistical and stuck up, basically that they are nasty people. And it is true that narcissists can be entitled, arrogant, condescending, and devaluing, and often exploitive and sadistic.

But Dr. Yeomans is quick to explain that this is all a show to cover up a profound sense of emptiness and inadequacy. ?It?s mostly a defensive position against not feeling good enough.? says Dr. Yeomans, ?A lot of narcissists can do really nicely for themselves financially, and can be successful in their careers, but underneath it all, they hate themselves. They constantly put themselves down, because they never feel good enough.?

According to Frank Yeomans, the problem with narcissism is mainly an issue with self-esteem regulation. Narcissists tend to have extremely high expectations of themselves and what they should achieve. Those expectations can become exaggerated, even tyrannical, so that narcissists end up believing that they need to be special, outstanding and superior, lest they be completely worthless. This typically causes successful narcissists to be high-achieving perfectionists. Unsuccessful narcissists may shut down completely because they can never live at the level of their demands on themselves.

Most of us have high expectations of ourselves and we want to succeed. However, as we go through life, people with healthy personalities recognize their limitations, learn to accept them and deal with them, and develop a balanced sense of their own self-worth that includes both their strengths and weaknesses. Not so those with NPD who feel that they are completely unworthy if they are not special. As they go through life, they end up trying to live in a way that supports their belief that they are meant to be special and superior. This belief that they are meant to be superior continues to be held up against all kinds of data, but it gets harder to maintain for people if they have not met their goals, if they have not become a famous actor because they have not been discovered yet, if have not made billions yet because nobody recognized their talent, and so on. This typically causes tremendous anxiety in the narcissist, and causes them to try whatever they can to maintain that air of superiority, leading to more and more interpersonal problems and social isolation.

So, according to Dr. Yeomans there?s more to narcissism than just being plain nasty. There is a profound underlying problem that causes severe difficulties. How do you know you?re a narcissist? ?If you feel empty and like you?re never good enough, and your social relationships turn sour periodically, and you can?t develop true intimacy.? answers Dr. Yeomans. Sounds like a good time to seek treatment and deal with what?s underneath.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Narcissism And What?s Underneath, Part II: Admiration and Love

Narcissism And What?s Underneath, Part II: Admiration and Love
Simone Hoermann, Ph.D.
Mar 18th 2010

Last week, I wrote a blog post about a conversation with Dr. Frank Yeomans on the fragile sense of self worth that is underneath some narcissistic behaviors. In my conversation with Dr. Frank Yeomans, who is a leading expert on narcissism, we also touched upon another significant characteristic that is frequently found in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder: One of the DSM IV criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an excessive need for admiration. If you?ve ever been around a narcissist, you might have realized how exhausting it can be to constantly feed their ego and reassure their fragile sense of self-worth. Narcissists will try to elicit admiration from those around them by exuding a sense of superiority and an air of being special, unique, and powerful. And they can get quite upset when that feeling of admiration is not forthcoming. So, what?s that all about?

?Everyone wants to feel special,? explains Dr. Yeomans, ?and most of us achieve this through our relationships. The relationships with our friends, family, romantic partners, that?s what usually makes us feel special. We tend to feel special when we feel loved. The problem for narcissists, though, is that they don?t trust that they are really loved. Most of them have never felt loved in their lives, and so they doubt that they can actually be loved.?

As I mentioned in a previous blog, narcissists tend to be high achievers and very driven, because they believe that they need to be special and superior. Underneath it all, they feel empty and worthless inside. Part of this need to be special is driven by their insatiable need for admiration: Achieving high goals, being particularly successful and powerful, is an attempt to feel better about themselves. The admiration that comes with being superior, powerful and unique, is also a way of getting validation from the outside world, of chasing away that lingering inner sense of worthlessness that is so torturous for the narcissist.

?Deep down, narcissists hope for love and caring?, says Frank Yeomans, ?but it often makes them feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it, partly because they feel vulnerable and doubt the authenticity of any love that comes their way. In addition, they may devalue anyone who loves them because that person, like themselves, can not live up to their excessively demanding standards. Narcissists can?t grasp the concept of love as a mutual devotion that includes acceptance of flaws. Love does not sustain them, it feels elusive and unsafe.? The problem is, he explains, that to the narcissist, admiration feels safer. It feels safer, because we can earn admiration through our achievements. Hence, for the narcissist, admiration feels much more like something they can control, something they can work for. On the other hand, love can?t be controlled, so it means taking a leap of faith. Narcissist, then, prefer to be admired, and are endlessly trying to provoke admiration, because that?s what they know to do.

Part of this distrust in love has to with early childhood experiences. Typically, it is the role of the caregiver to be empathic and attuned to the infant. The caregiver?s role is to protect and soothe a child when they are upset, and in order to effectively be able to do that they need to understand the child?s internal experience. In other words, the caregiver needs to be empathic and attuned. The idea is that for people who develop NPD, there was some breakdown in this process of empathic attunement, which prevented them from feeling loved, and which lead them to develop internal representation of relationships that are somewhat skewed.

The way narcissists typically experience relationships is characterized predominantly by a superior self and a devalued other, which, when something rattles the narcissists sense of self-worth, can rapidly shift to a devalued self and a superior other. In other words, relationships for the narcissists are uneven and imbalanced, and the narcissist is usually vaguely aware that they vacillate between idealizing and devaluing others.

Frank Yeomans believes that problems in attunement may have gotten worse nowadays: ?When people grew up in more extended families, if there was a kind of empathic failure, someone else was there to pick up the slack? he says.

Is this something that can be repaired? Yes, according to Dr. Yeomans. ?A person can be helped to move beyond that, and to develop a view of relationships that integrate positive and negative aspects of a person based on mutual connectedness, instead of this one-up and one-down approach. It takes a long time, however, because narcissists have such a shaky sense of self worth and their defenses are so fragile that they can?t handle a lot of confrontation.? says Dr. Yeomans, ?You have to be patient.? After all, sometimes, what it takes is just one good relationship.