Nonexistant hope

[Ashley-Kate]

Hello,
lately i have been feeling very depressed.. although i will be seeing two therapist when i leave my fathers house (wich is in 6 days becuase my mom has been worried cause of my mid-night phone calls crying about how i can't take it anymore)i have been feeling like sort of lost i always cry wich before i never used to do. I write regularly in my diarie and the words that come out more and more often seem to be invisible .. tiered pain and death.. I shut my eyes and pray to god that he will let me keep them shut forever.. i lie in the bath and hope for the stregth to keep my head under water long enough to stop my breathing...but never do it ...I always fantasies in that sort of way it scares me cause well i could not bare the thought of leaving my sister behind and the fact of the matter is i am not living anymore for myself i am living for my sister.. I want to be happy again and not think about wich way would be easier to dye of wich song i want to be played at my funeral things of death i am only 17 and i have not lived yet but i am afraid if it goes on like this i will have not more living left to do i am confused as my thoughts become more in more intence the rationnal side of my brain shuts downand i don't see rght from rong .. right would be to be happy to be happy i have to be dead because alive i am not but then again if i am dead i can't be happy in a fiew weeks the but then again will not exist and i don't know if i will still have hope
please what should i do i am terrified of myself i have been hospitalised two time before for suicide attempts and other related mental health issues i don't want to go back that low what can i do? please if anyone can help please do
ashley-kate

 

[Daniel E.]

...but i am afraid if it goes on like this i will have not more living left to do i am confused as my thoughts...

Hopelessness and suicidal thoughts are just symptoms of depression. It's extremely common for people with depression to feel that their problems will stay the same or even get worse. However, the fact is that you will get better with treatment and even the passage of time. Also, as your symptoms become less acute, you will be more able to replace the negative thoughts & feelings with positive ones and "take one day at a time."

There's also the strategy of "fake it 'till you make it." In other words, you can tell yourself that you will get better even when it feels like things are getting worse. It's much better to feel both positive and negative about the future than just feel negative about it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You can also look to the end of that tunnel -- in 6.. 5.. 4... 3.. 2.. 1 more days, you will be going back to your mother and to the two therapists you mentioned. Just take one day at a time and do the countdown...

From other posts, I suspect you will feel better just leaving your father's house.