Not really sure what to do..

[Grith]

So I've got a little tale to tell:

One of my friends began talking to a girl about 3 years ago on the internet while we were all in highschool. About 6 months ago I got back together with said friend and started hanging out a bit, and so this girl he'd been talking to began talking to me as well.

So we start really talking, 4 - 5 hours a day, on the internet and I began to bring up the idea of meeting up. She claimed she was in my area at a hospital undergoing treatment. So I suggested that after she gets out of the hospital we could go hang out somewhere and meet each other face to face. She completely agrees and seems really excited about it. So the day finally comes and I'm waiting for her to call me (by this time we are talking on the phone) or get online to let me know to come to her aunt's house.

And waiting ...
And waiting ...
And waiting ...

She never comes online and also never calls me. This silence continues for the next two days and then finally out of no where she calls me as I'm driving home from work. I was angry (I'll get into why my emotion was anger in a bit) for her silent treatment, but she claimed something had gone wrong and she had to go back into the hospital; which is where she was calling me from. I get over it and we go back to talking and the conversation every day inevitably leads to wanting to give a real life meeting another go. The same situation occurs, same excuse. This happened 2 more times before I decided I was done with it and told her to stop talking to me.

Now, I may seem like a complete jerk in this story (She is in fact claiming she's in the hospital), but I came to find out after I initially started talking to her that this scenario had been happening with my friend the entire 3 years he'd been talking to her. I'm not sure what compelled me to decide to go down this path and try it out for myself, but I thought maybe our conversations were different than my friends. And of course, they both claimed they had meet each other a couple times at least in the last 3 years so that gave me some hope.

Well, about 4 months or so later since the hospital situation she has started talking to me again and living in California taking online classes at the school in VA (where I'm from) that she was accepted to. And now (bringing us to the present) she's living with her dad and preparing to go to her school this summer, so no more online classes. About a week ago we really started talking again and this time she brings up the idea of us meeting. Needless to say, I'm a bit hesitant. But she talks me into it and I eventually agree. We planned to meet up yesterday. She gave me her address and I was ready to go. So I wake up and am waiting for her to call me or get online...

And waiting...
And waiting...
And waiting...

I think you can guess as to what happened. So there is the story and background. I've thought heavily on the situation and I'm at the point where I'm just damn curious as to who this person is. My first thought of course was some 60 yr old pervert that likes to pretend he's a she. I toyed with this idea a bit and decided it wasn't. I've talked to her on the phone, seen pictures, and have made her take pictures with specific things in them (my name written on her hand) and she produced it 5 minutes later. So my next theory is that maybe she either A) had some sort of trauma (she did, I'll get into that in a minute) and just needs a friend or B) has some sort of disability and puts on a front to try and feel normal.

Anyways, now I'm opening this for discussion. Here are a list of facts that I didn't mention in the story (it's already long enough):

-Her older brother and his wife died just before she began talking to my friend originally, her and her dad now take care of their son and daughter
-She claims she was in the hospital because she stopped eating and became suicidal after the death of her brother (this type of behavior doesn't mix well with type 1 diabetes)
-After this last time she blew me off, I called my friend and asked him honestly if he'd ever meet her, and he honestly answered "no"
-She never uses a number that is not restricted, no one I've talked to will give me her number (including her, she always has an excuse)

There it is, discuss.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps she is just being cautious. Perhaps she is fearful of rejection should she actually meet you. Perhaps she suffers from social anxiety.

In other words, it may be that in the heat of the moment she is genuinely interested in meeting with you but when it actually comes time her anxiety increases and she isn't anle to go through with it.

Why don't you try to ask her why she repeatedly stands you up?

 

[Jazzey]

I think I'd take the same approach Grith. I'd ask her directly - see what she says.

 

[Grith]

Well, she obviously tells me why she keeps standing me up. She claims that she's back in the hospital or something family related happened. It's just hard to believe the coincidence of that issues coming up like that only when we are about to meet, 5 times now at this point...

I have told her that I don't believe her and that I think she just made up those excuses, but she claims them to be true. And I do know for a fact that she feels the anxiety of meeting me, because she has told me so.

My problem here is less of "why is she doing this" and more of "what can I do to help her get over feats and feel comfortable".

I probably should have asked that in the OP, haha

 

[Jazzey]

My suggestion Grith, is she's really uncomfortable or feeling anxiety about meeting her - give her that time. And, accept her explanations. That is, if you're truly interested in this person.

Sometimes we mean well and we push. I'm someone who, when pushed 'to feel comfortable' will run in the opposite direction. Sometimes, just being heard and understood is enough for me to feel comfortable. Does this make sense?

 

[Grith]

Yes, it does make sense Jaz, and in the past that was my approach with her. But with this most recent time that she's done this I started digging a little bit and talking to my friend.

It's been 3 years of talking for them, and she still hasn't even given him her number. I do honestly like her, enough to give her the time that she needs, but the future seems cloudy and disappointing after finding these things out and I'm definitely not wanting an internet relationship forever (even if it's just friends)

 

[Jazzey]

And it's ok to be a little careful here Grith. I guess that's where you have to decide just how interested you are in meeting her. And sometimes, we just need to relish in the present and not worry too much about the future. By all means, keep living your life and keeping your eyes pealed as to what's out there for you. But I certainly understand the disappointment.

 

[Into The Light]

what does your friend think of the situation? is he still talking to her online?

 

[Grith]

Yes he is still talking to her. He kind of keeps a blind eye to it and just rolls with her excuses and doesn't question it.

 

[Into The Light]

well, you can't force her to meet you. i understand you are disappointed because obviously you enjoy her company and your conversations. maybe she'd feel more comfortable meeting you if she brought someone she knows with her? i have no idea what's happening on her end, and if it's a last minute "i can't do this" kicking in. who knows?

does she express any regret to missing the meetings?

 

[Grith]

Yes, I feel like she regrets it. She apologizes and promises to make it up etc.

I also feel like I don't know what's happening on her end either. Each time this happens it's not like I can get a hold of her and see what's going on or anything, I just have to wait it out until she decides to get a hold of me. I've also asked her if she just doesn't want to meet at all, if just talking was what she wanted out of me, you know? Her answer was that she really did want to meet, so I just find myself in this confused state where I don't know what to do anymore with her.

I think she does have these feelings that I've called her out on (fearful of meeting me or just wanting someone to talk to and not meet etc.) but she just won't admit it. Which then makes me completely turned around on how I should react to the relationship.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm wondering out loud if, for the time being, you just need to accept this relationship for what it is - an online friendship. Maybe with time you'll get a little more insightful information as to where it's going?

I don't know Grith. I understand your frustration. Sometimes we just have to accept a situation for what it is...I know this isn't particularly helpful, but you know what I mean.

 

[Grith]

Yea, and I will accept that. I am also thinking about just linking her this thread and seeing how she feels about it. Hopefully it will bring some truth out.

 

[Yuray]

Hi Grith
So far most of the responses have been centered on your having more patience and understanding and her perhaps being apprehensive and scared, requiring gentle handling.

I understand the enchantment of 'mystery', but when does mystery turn into abuse (whether intentional or not). Broken promises and lies are not solid foundations on which to invest time in. What yearning is it that you have to remain in this dialogue, when there are other more tangible things to explore (ie: real people with real addresses and real phone numbers). You may just be one of many distractions for this person. You seem to be in an irrational situation where rationale has no place.

My 2 cents: do some research on the psychology of internet relationships, and the games it entails.

Yuray