Nothing left

[forgetmenot]

there is no more

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: nothing left

What's going on?

 

[Yuray]

Violet, we have followed your course of troubles for the past year with your brothers suicide, your mothers ill health, your twins indifference, and your daughters drug and suicide problems. When you say "there is no more", have you solved all the problems?....or have you given up on those you have devoted so much energy to ensure their safety?

 

[forgetmenot]

i have pulled me back again. i have somehow i went over the edge and thank god my husband came and pulled me back. i am not well i try so hard to be stable. i take the meds, go to therapy, but i still am pushed and triggered. i just can't seem to keep the control.

Yuray you are right in saying i have given up on those. i can't help them. i know that. i try so hard, but it not to be. i don't know what to do. I was honest with my husband. told him i can't go on. i want to end this. all of it. He said dont call. they will lock me up. don't call.

I don't want to go out like this. I am a nurse okay. i am a someboydy, but then why do i feel like a noone again? why do i feel like a nothing again? I am sorry. i begged them all to leave, but they won't leave so i have somehow pulled me back together somewhat. i have stopped the screaming in my head. i am breathing again where i was not before.

I ask how am i to go on watching them destroy themselves not caring they are destroying me? I am totally gone. i talk to myself to keep me stable. oh sleep someone said go to sleep mary even though it is only 5pm here go to sleep excape that way. i want a safe place. please god give me a safe place. there is no safe place.

i wish i was stronger. maybe just take my meds early and go to sleep, but i see no end to this any of it until i leave. im sorry iam rambling my brain going a mile aminute. I need the strong mary to come back and not this child she is weak, too weak. there is nothing left inside me i am warn out. don't worry my husband won't leave so i won't harm me now. i will just go to sleep and hope tomorrow bring stability, but i don't so im gone something snapped tonight an d i am gone

---------- Post added at 09:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:47 PM ----------

I looked after me went to sleep now i am awake i have no emotions now i am calm i am okay

---------- Post added at 09:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 PM ----------

Thank you for editing my post i am sorry my mind was working too fast.

 

[Always Changing]

I am glad to hear you were able to do what was best for you last night Violet, how are you feeling now?

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Always Changing i am just very exhausted and tired now. I have no emotion today which is good i don't want to feel. I will go to work only because i know if i don't my mind will spiral again. My husband saw he saw my other side i can't keep going like this. Again with the nightmares yelling telling people off but he doesn't know who i am yelling at. Pray i stay safe today as there are things going on i have no control over and i am afraid these things will somehow push me over that line again. I think i will go back to bed and sleep as i will need some energy to work One good piece of news today the insurance company finally came thru one less stessor for me to figth about. take care okay thanks for caring

 

[Always Changing]

Going back to bed sounds like a good plan to me, you need your rest now ,as you say you are going to work and need your energy to do that.
Try if you can not to think of those things which you have no control over, no amount of worrying or fretting can or will change those. Sometimes as I mentioned in another post\thread, you have to stand back and let what will be,, be. I do know however it is not easy to do.

All you need to do now at this time is look after you.
I hope you get the much needed rest you deserve and need.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am so tired of this fight nothing left to fight with all is well yet nothing is well what i would do to be with you to be in peace but that can't be

 

[Always Changing]

Are you able to say more Eclipse?.
Who or what are you fighting?. only if you are comfortable to say ok.

:hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

i am just fighting me now iguess
i am fighting an endless battle one that when i am attacked i just can't seem to fight back anymore i can't get out of the darkness the pain like i use to I have nothing left inside me to fight with words the words they hurt me so much it doesn't matter i don't matter i never did matter

 

[Andy]

Well, you DO matter actually. You just need to try not to let other peoples words matter. I know that is easier said then done. Don't let other people take away your power. You do what you have to, to stay well. Your a good person M so don't let anyone tell you different.

 

[forgetmenot]

i know i shouldn't allow people to hurt me so i wish i could get strong again iwish ihad anger inside me then i could fight this but i have nothing to fight with that all i know i am good i am good please god and her words are wrong tired so tired STP of fighting them the words all i want is peace that is all i want.

 

[Daniel E.]

Mindfulness techniques, relaxation techniques, or anything else that helps you "plug into the present" may also help.

 

[Andy]

i know i shouldn't allow people to hurt me so i wish i could get strong again iwish ihad anger inside me then i could fight this but i have nothing to fight with that all i know i am good i am good please god and her words are wrong tired so tired STP of fighting them the words all i want is peace that is all i want.

I think your stronger then you realize. You HAVE been fighting all this time. Maybe you need to decide who you want in your life and who needs to go. Sometimes people have a great side to them that is nice to be around but then there is that nasty side that comes out that is just to much to take, maybe this person doesn't deserve to be in your life? This is how you could find some peace. Weed out the bad ones and keep the good.

 

[forgetmenot]

I guess hun time to walk away i even tried changing my name again tried so hard to undue the words god im tired staying present have to stay who i am now not then i just need to sleep i guess that is one way to shut down

 

[Andy]

I guess hun time to walk away i even tried changing my name again tried so hard to undue the words god im tired staying present have to stay who i am now not then i just need to sleep i guess that is one way to shut down

Well unfortunately a name change doesn't change the situation. Maybe have a sleep and wake up with a positive mindset. Don't let yourself "go there" in the morning. I know that's not easy to do either but it's a start maybe. You have been doing so well, I would hate to see you back step.

I know I posted this for you before, but it bares repeating...(it bares repeating? Is that the right saying? lol)

A reason, season, lifetime.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks STP new day today your right new mind set moving forward now letting it go have to let it go thanks take care I will keep me busy today all will be well

 

[Yuray]

Since you became an MVP last year your postings have showed clarity and insight. Rather than have us try to console you regarding your present symptoms, maybe we should be addressing what brought this matter to be. That way, we could be of more help.

 

[forgetmenot]

As i said before professionals i don't trust i was starting to but i know now not to trust anyone don't trust don't believe don't care because it never changes the ones in power abuse it they always have always will god ihate me ihate me so much that is the problem i suppose my hatred for them and for me

 

[Retired]

professionals i don't trust i was starting to but i know now not to trust anyone

I've come into this discussion late and do not have a complete understanding of the situation. Would you elaborate on what's happening at this time in your life and what has caused your distrust?