Nothing left

[forgetmenot]

im sorry i can' t explain i would just be playing her game then People in power are to heal not hurt people they are to show compassion not judge They are no better then the rest of us i can't explain i just can't but iknow now i know not to believe their words not to trust them because they don't care and they certainly don't see or hear
How easily it is for them to throw people away how easy it is for them to use thier power to hurt another i will stop now because i can tell i am not being clear sorry

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hi Violet...

From what I have read, you seem to be in a lot of distress... 8(

From Yuray: brothers suicide, your mothers ill health, your twins indifference, and your daughters drug and suicide problems.

From Yourself: i have pulled me back again. i have somehow i went over the edge and thank god my husband came and pulled me back. i am not well i try so hard to be stable. i take the meds, go to therapy, but i still am pushed and triggered. i just can't seem to keep the control.

Yuray you are right in saying i have given up on those. i can't help them. i know that. i try so hard, but it not to be. i don't know what to do. I was honest with my husband. told him i can't go on. i want to end this. all of it. He said dont call. they will lock me up. don't call.

I don't want to go out like this. I am a nurse okay. i am a someboydy, but then why do i feel like a noone again? why do i feel like a nothing again? I am sorry. i begged them all to leave, but they won't leave so i have somehow pulled me back together somewhat. i have stopped the screaming in my head. i am breathing again where i was not before.

Violet, you are more than just a nurse. You may not realize it but you make a difference just being you. I learned that I am not just an employee, nor am I just a daughter, sister, wife, etc... Remember yourself sometimes. Sometimes when you see family in distress, being a nurse, perhaps you try take away their pain and comfort them, but who comforts you? I am glad you have a husband who is looking after you in this troubled time, although it concerns me that he didn't want you to call for help -- that confuses me. It's not like he couldn't come and see you. I am also glad to hear that you have a therapist and are on some medication that can help you. Nothing like an objective person to help you see things from a different perspective.

Wow, with all that stress and grief going on, no wonder you feel so terrible. Now what is this yelling and awful words, are these your thoughts intruding and harassing you? I am having some of that happen right now. I have been meditating and was given Cipralex to calm down because my anxiety was starting to interfere with everything again (I had way too many stresses and grief going on at once and it just hit me like a wave and I turned into an emotional puddle.... Just starting to get my sea legs back again)... So now that I am more relaxed, I've started having these intrusive thoughts, and my therapist thinks it might be because in the past I was not able to deal with them at the time these emotional events happened, and now that my brain is more relaxed and stable, he theorizes that my brain somehow senses that I can deal with these things now. So they are coming to the surface for me to deal with now because apparently I can handle these things, and feel the emotions... I was wondering if this is similar to what is happening to you?

Or is this more intense PTSD symptoms? Because it sounds like you've been through some hell, girl. In which case it would be natural to feel all that pain and reliving things, but oh my gosh it makes a person feel so much like all the raw nerve endings are sticking out all over and the briefest wind stings and it feels like nothing can soothe it.

One of my issues was I gave and gave of myself until I felt empty. I am still learning to ask people for help, and to set up healthy boundaries so that I don't let people take advantage of me. I don't know your whole story, but don't be afraid to ask people for help. You may have decided somewhere along the line, that you should be the strong one, but you can change your mind, right? Your mind and body may have decided for you, "Violet, that's enough! You take some time for yourself! You need to stop right now, give yourself some TLC, and don't be afraid to ask for help." It would be unreasonable to expect a human being to run on empty, and still keep on giving out energy and love and support to everyone else. So if you are trying to be strong, I appreciate that, but just be strong for you right now, okay?

You deserve it. That weak "child" is needed a breather, so give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be alright because you are going to take care of her. You won't let your thoughts hurt her, because they are just thoughts. They can't touch her.

 

[forgetmenot]

NO no it is not about the past it isnot about me being a carer never mind it is about her and her power and her abusing it and hurting others because she is in pain it is about her inability to cope so she makes others feel that they are the ones that are wrong i don't talk about my past anymore i don't want to go there it is not me i don't care about that anymore i don't want to read it i don't want to think aobut it she is a professional one that is to care not attack i have to go i have to sleep only way to keep me here

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Fair enough... Don't feel you have to respond right away. Go to sleep. I hope you can find some peace somehow.

PS: I was more trying to explore where you were coming from, so I apologize if you were offended.

 

[forgetmenot]

I was not offended i am sorry i came across that way i am okay now thanks slept some thanks for your kindness

 

[Retired]

i am okay now thanks slept some thanks for your kindness

Just that we are clear on your present situation, Eclipse, are you still having thoughts of suicide at this time?

Steve

 

[forgetmenot]

No i am okay sorry just one gets to the point why bother you know sleep has given me back some clarity and some strength god i will not let anyone harm me again i won't
jollygreenjellybean i hear what you have said and you are right i have to be the strong one there is no if abt that one. I would love to say enough but i can't do that okay
i am a carer but i an not overwhelmed by that all is taking care of now damm eh if i could only stop having these flashbacks of pain if i could only not allow peoples attacks on be to bring me so close to You are so right in some aspects but this is about someone attacking me now with words and i have walked away from it i have i won't look at her pm i won't talk to her or try to reach out to her because she doesn't want that she just wants to spew her pain on everyone well not me i have been abused enough i won't let her hurt me i won't i am okay now breathing now trigger is over

 

[Jazzey]

Eclipse...I'm sorry you're struggling. You don't need to apologize for that...Ever. Maybe the life lesson is that you have to love yourself first? Then you can open your heart..

I'm a firm believer that we all deserve love/caring. But it's easy to lose our path sometimes...To listen to those internal voices. I hope that you hear positive voices soon. The ones that tell you you're a good heart...That it's ok to take care of yourself.

I hear and feel your pain. Caring for others is good. But only when there are better boundaries...when it doesn't harm you...that's the line....From what you posted, that line has been reached...And I hope you give yourself permission to care for yourself for a bit.

 

[forgetmenot]

ya i have walked away hun i have set the boundaries i won't let her hurt me with words anymore I don't thinks she realizes or maybe she does how much her printed words her attacks can take someone so close to the end she should not have thrown my past in my face that was not called for i am not her and never will be that pathetic thing from the past and if she harms me again anger will come and i don't care i will strike back i will even though it is not apart of me to do so

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry you were hurt. Eclipse, I hope you keep doing what's right for you. That you draw certain boundaries and keep on a good path. I'm sorry you were hurt. As much as you feel /felt hurt, I hope that you know that destroying yourself is not a good solution.

Keeping you in my thoughts. And please, keep caring for yourself. As a good friend has said to me in the past: "you care for yourself, 'cause no one else can or will".

take care.

 

[forgetmenot]

Ya thanks hun i will care for me thanks

 

[Jazzey]

take care, Eclipse. Sincerely.

 

[forgetmenot]

i have let all the words go now i deleted all the messages sent to me even the one i did not read i deleted it all. I know who i am i went with my heart i help someone in pain and i cannot help it if that caused her pain i said i was sorry if i was the cause of some of her pain and she told me i was lying and she deleted my apology
It is in her hands now i have done all i can I am sorry she is suffering as much as her friend she threw away i have let it all go now nothing there to hurt me anymore
thanks for all your kindness and understanding

 

[Always Changing]

:hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

one min one hour one day at a time some how one has to push through

 

[Jazzey]

one min one hour one day at a time some how one has to push through

...indeed...sometimes, it's just one minute at a time. Take care.

---------- Post added at 07:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:10 PM ----------

I'm not religious, but I like this (the thought)...Philippians 4:13

The strength to resist the night
The strength to endure the day
The strength to keep righteous paths in sight
The strength to take them without delay

The strength to find a purpose in life
The strength to find the truths it brings
The strength to kick away from strife
The strength to stabalize the rock it clings

The strength to light a friend’s day up
The strength to resist wrathful foes
The strength to fill a stranger’s dry cup
The strength to shun sin when it opposed

The strength to feel a injured man’s pain
The strength to hold a reject’s hand
The strength to act against any gain
The strength to love without demand

The strength to understand that our King
Has blessed us with more than we can contain
Therefore regardless what time may bring
The strength will continue to reign

I have a friend who is religious...he always tells me that God never gives you more than you can handle. While I'm not religious, there's something in the thought that I like...this idea that we are resilient as human beings. We may forget that at some points in our life...and then we keep proving to ourselves that we just are.

 

[LadyVirtue]

Eclipse,

I see this thread was started more than a year ago....I see you had some dark thoughts, BUT you are still here!!!! To see that you are still posting a year later gives me courage and hope! You can do it! YOU ARE DOING IT!!!! I saw how your posts changed and you took charge and set boundaries for yourself. Good for you! Keep at it Eclipse!

~Lady Virtue~

 

[forgetmenot]

thanks i am just so tired that all and it has nothing to do now with anyone no one but me

 

[Yuray]

To Lady Virtue:
Eclipse has displayed an uncanny common sense attitude over the years. It wasn't always so, but when I read her posts now, and I read between the lines. There aren't many like her as far as basic 'in your face' truthful posts go. What you see is what you get No mincing words. She is unique.

 

[amastie]

Hi Eclipse :hug:

want you to know that I too have been very down. Tonight I found the first thing in a long while to help me from that space. It may mean nothing to you. I don't know, but I find at such times that I must give precendence to rest and to what I need. Also, I find that it helps to try to change my thoughts from negative to positive (because negative thoughts attract more negative). Even if the circumstances around me are negative, it helps me to spend some time, preferably a few times each day, simply imagining things like a white light surrounding me and protecting me, or imagine flowers filling my room. To that I might actually spray perfume in my room.

I know that these are very small things, and I also know that not everyone finds it helpful to imagine positive things around them. I find it helpful.

If you don't, that's ok. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending love, ok?

To me, you are important.

Take good care :support:

For now,

amastie