One liners

[Daniel E.]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

[AmZ]

You made me laugh for the first time today, and it's 8pm... Thank you

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

 

[AmZ]

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! (OK, please excuse that one. But it kind of works somehow!)

---------- Post added at 08:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:44 PM ----------

I see you have a certain style going on there Dr Baxter. Very nice.

 

[Dragonfly]

"Well, well, well", said the woman digging the hole.

"Gotta get to work....," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

 

[Daniel E.]

I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open.

- Robin Williams

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

"I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

“I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.”

- Phyllis Diller

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

~ Andy Rooney

 

[Daniel E.]

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

-- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)


"The future, like everything else, is no longer quite what it used to be."

-- Paul Valéry (1871-1945)

 

[Daniel E.]

"TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

"Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious."

-- unknown

 

[Daniel E.]

"With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too."

"The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it."

"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already."

-- unknown

 

[Daniel E.]

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

~ Dave Barry

 

[Daniel E.]

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."

Erma Bombeck