"Next week I’m gonna have an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia."
"I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was press redial. The phone started having a nervous breakdown."
"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
"My problem is I was reincarnated without having been alive the first time."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments."
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?"
"Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up."
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