One liners

[Daniel E.]

"There are self-driving cars? How long was I in prison?"

~ Mom (TV show)

 

[Daniel E.]

"Next week I’m gonna have an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia."

"I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was press redial. The phone started having a nervous breakdown."

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

"My problem is I was reincarnated without having been alive the first time."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments."

~ Steven Wright

 

[Daniel E.]

"I got in a fight at the Museum of Tolerance over a parking space."

~ Paula Poundstone

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ha ha!! Love Paula Poundstone.

 

[Daniel E.]

"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."

"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

~ Paula Poundstone

 

[Daniel E.]

"I just paid for a 12 month gym membership and my bank called to see if my credit card was stolen."

~ unknown

 

[David Baxter PhD]

^^^ Now THAT is comedy!

 

[Daniel E.]

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it."

~ Bob Hope

 

[Daniel E.]

"Is there a veteran's discount?"

~ veteran joking today when paying his bill at the Veterans Administration

 

[Daniel E.]

"Good programmers write good code; great programmers steal great code."

~ old adage

 

[Daniel E.]

“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

~ Larry David

 

[Daniel E.]

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

~ Sam Kinison

 

[Daniel E.]

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

 

[Daniel E.]

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."

~ Tommy Cooper

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

 

[Daniel E.]

"Feeling good...if good means nervous."

~ Drunk Parents (funny movie of a rich couple that loses it all)

 

[Daniel E.]

“The brain is an amazing organ. It starts working in a mother’s womb and it doesn’t stop working til you get elected to Congress.”

~ U.S. Senator John Neely Kennedy

 

[Daniel E.]

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry

 

[Daniel E.]

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?"


"Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up."

Jerry Seinfeld

 

[Daniel E.]

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