I don't know what it is that I want. I don't know what it is that makes me happy. I am happy if I have a near normal day in terms of eating but I am even more ecstatic if I lose "x" amounts of pounds. I find such security in being able to purge or restrict food. I do see how this affects my life in so many different ways, but I don't know how to get out of that. It's not just about the food, it's also about the way you feel in certain clothes, the way you look at other people and think they look at you, the way that you are affected by certain issues, the way you plan your days, your every step of the way to accomodate your ed, how your relationhsips are affected by this, how your every thought deals w/ body image. Why can't I see what this is doing to me? Why am I holding on to something so destructive? Why do I feel the need to work even harder to reach my goals now that I should be going the opposite way since I made the decision to see a counselor? It is so exhausting to get up each day thinking of everything you can possibly do to lose more weight. I can't see how this will ever end. I am at the end of my rope. I feel so desperate. I really really don't think I can hold on much longer. I don't want to hold on much longer if this is what living means to me.