I don't know what it is that I want. I don't know what it is that makes me happy. I am happy if I have a near normal day in terms of eating but I am even more ecstatic if I lose "x" amounts of pounds. I find such security in being able to purge or restrict food. I do see how this affects my life in so many different ways, but I don't know how to get out of that. It's not just about the food, it's also about the way you feel in certain clothes, the way you look at other people and think they look at you, the way that you are affected by certain issues, the way you plan your days, your every step of the way to accomodate your ed, how your relationhsips are affected by this, how your every thought deals w/ body image. Why can't I see what this is doing to me? Why am I holding on to something so destructive? Why do I feel the need to work even harder to reach my goals now that I should be going the opposite way since I made the decision to see a counselor? It is so exhausting to get up each day thinking of everything you can possibly do to lose more weight. I can't see how this will ever end. I am at the end of my rope. I feel so desperate. I really really don't think I can hold on much longer. I don't want to hold on much longer if this is what living means to me.
- Thread starter Eunoia
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Ashley-Kate
MVP
Hello ,
sometimes we hold on to things because it is familliar that was you lifestyle for so long you were used to that .. now you know that it is bad for your health but at he same time that was how you lived and you don<t really want to go towards the unknown at the fear of becoming normal.. in a way being at the average and not higher(the feeling your e-d could have brought you in the past) with an e-d you feel on top of the world as if you don,t need nybody because well you don<t need food and you have found a way to clean yourself of everything your basicly complety independant but you need it.. yu need to be normal to live .. dont live for your ed live for you.. Sure there is a sence of power and strength that comes when the scale wirtes down that yu lost weight but that is only temporary . then comes the time you just need to lose more..
yours trully ashley-kate
sometimes we hold on to things because it is familliar that was you lifestyle for so long you were used to that .. now you know that it is bad for your health but at he same time that was how you lived and you don<t really want to go towards the unknown at the fear of becoming normal.. in a way being at the average and not higher(the feeling your e-d could have brought you in the past) with an e-d you feel on top of the world as if you don,t need nybody because well you don<t need food and you have found a way to clean yourself of everything your basicly complety independant but you need it.. yu need to be normal to live .. dont live for your ed live for you.. Sure there is a sence of power and strength that comes when the scale wirtes down that yu lost weight but that is only temporary . then comes the time you just need to lose more..
yours trully ashley-kate
I think that an ed is almost like a safety blanket. It's something you hold on to for fear of gaining weight and having people look at you in a way that you believe they will. But, I ask myself time and time again, "What is it that I'm really truly afraid of? Just gaining weight?" It has to be deeper than that. What does the weight represent to you? Lack of control, lack of self worth, imperfection, a time in your life when you weren't happy? I think we've taken a thing, weight, and based our whole selves on that one thing. It seems rediculous. Some people do it with grades. They feel like if they get a B instead of an A their whole lives will fall apart. But, that of course isn't true. Even if they don't get into the school they want to get into, there are still a million different things they can do to live a fulfilling life. I think weight has become our grading system and the lower the better.
I've had to struggle while watching myself gain much needed weight. It was such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, deep down inside it was hard. I still kind of have an ideal weight in my head that I would like to be at, but I don't believe my body wants to be at that weight. And, probably the only reason it's ideal is because it's lower than my current weight.
Really, what I'm trying to say to you is that you're not alone. Other people feel the way you do and people do get better. I STILL hold on to my way of eating as some kind of security that makes me feel better. However, at least I don't starve myself. Why don't you take the extra leap and try the counceling. You really don't have anything to lose. Nobody can make you do anything, but they might help you understand yourself better. You will feel good when you start doing the right things. You'll also feel bad, but it's all about taking it step by step. In the long run you'll be much happier. Despite my negative feelings, I'm much happier and more able to take care of myself.
I've had to struggle while watching myself gain much needed weight. It was such an accomplishment for me, but at the same time, deep down inside it was hard. I still kind of have an ideal weight in my head that I would like to be at, but I don't believe my body wants to be at that weight. And, probably the only reason it's ideal is because it's lower than my current weight.
Really, what I'm trying to say to you is that you're not alone. Other people feel the way you do and people do get better. I STILL hold on to my way of eating as some kind of security that makes me feel better. However, at least I don't starve myself. Why don't you take the extra leap and try the counceling. You really don't have anything to lose. Nobody can make you do anything, but they might help you understand yourself better. You will feel good when you start doing the right things. You'll also feel bad, but it's all about taking it step by step. In the long run you'll be much happier. Despite my negative feelings, I'm much happier and more able to take care of myself.
thank you girls! I know that my ed is definately somewhat of a security blanket, even though it's like the least secure thing you could find! you know Ashley-Kate, I wonder if I do fear becoming "normal" as you say, b/c dealing w/ an ed makes you feel and think in very different ways about yourself and the world around you- and some of that feels good. so I guess, on one hand I just want to be normal and not have to deal w/ this but on the other hand I want to be anything but normal. you're right in that after you reach your goal (however big or small in regards to the whole picture) you feel good but then there's that void, of ok, what now....
and Dianna! you're so right about all of the things you said... yes, I'm afraid of gaining weight but once you reach your goal (I don't nec, mean your ideal weight) you're still as lost as before. and feel the same way about yourself except that now you equated feeling a little bit better w/ losing a little bit more weight. I know so (!) many people who use grades as their grading system, and I never could understand why someone's life seems to fall apart if they get a B instead of an A. I guess, it's the same for others, how they don't understand what losing/gaining lbs means to us. (it shows you how unrealistic this is I guess)
It's weird if you want to go so much farther than your body wants to go... I can feel my body depleted of energy, literally, just to get through a day sometimes, and it is not fun. I am trying counseling but we haven't really started as we just decided to give it a try last week... I guess now it's baby steps from here on! it was difficult enough to make the decision, then go, and stick w/ it....
I still don't really know where I'm going w/ this, and I still feel like half of me wants one thing and half of me something else. But I am willing to try and see what's out there... I think I'm almost shocked at how this has affected me and keeps on doing so... much beyond what I used to realize.
that's what I'm trying to figure out... you've come a long way Ash w/ understanding (your) ed, thanks for sharing all of that!
and Dianna! you're so right about all of the things you said... yes, I'm afraid of gaining weight but once you reach your goal (I don't nec, mean your ideal weight) you're still as lost as before. and feel the same way about yourself except that now you equated feeling a little bit better w/ losing a little bit more weight. I know so (!) many people who use grades as their grading system, and I never could understand why someone's life seems to fall apart if they get a B instead of an A. I guess, it's the same for others, how they don't understand what losing/gaining lbs means to us. (it shows you how unrealistic this is I guess)
It's weird if you want to go so much farther than your body wants to go... I can feel my body depleted of energy, literally, just to get through a day sometimes, and it is not fun. I am trying counseling but we haven't really started as we just decided to give it a try last week... I guess now it's baby steps from here on! it was difficult enough to make the decision, then go, and stick w/ it....
I still don't really know where I'm going w/ this, and I still feel like half of me wants one thing and half of me something else. But I am willing to try and see what's out there... I think I'm almost shocked at how this has affected me and keeps on doing so... much beyond what I used to realize.
Ashley-Kate
MVP
....
hey again,
The unknown will always be scarry if you chose to face it now or later it won<t change the fact that it is pretty damn sarry and well that is what kept me for so long to face my e-d and go and get help although i am far from recovered.. i am getting there.. you have to be ready to realise that sometimes it will be hard sometime you will want to go back to old habits but you have to be stronger than the urge the one that tells yu that being anoreic or bulimic makes you soo much stronguer than the world cuz it<s not true it only makes you weeker.. know that we are all uneek ad that normality is a quite vague word.. the definition is somewhat different to everybody .. so being normal .. your definition of normal is being different and uneek in its own way..
i hope this is of use
yours trully
ashley-kate
hey again,
The unknown will always be scarry if you chose to face it now or later it won<t change the fact that it is pretty damn sarry and well that is what kept me for so long to face my e-d and go and get help although i am far from recovered.. i am getting there.. you have to be ready to realise that sometimes it will be hard sometime you will want to go back to old habits but you have to be stronger than the urge the one that tells yu that being anoreic or bulimic makes you soo much stronguer than the world cuz it<s not true it only makes you weeker.. know that we are all uneek ad that normality is a quite vague word.. the definition is somewhat different to everybody .. so being normal .. your definition of normal is being different and uneek in its own way..
i hope this is of use
yours trully
ashley-kate
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