Overbearing Mother

[Romeo]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this website and just wanted to reach out and seek some advice for dealing with an overbearing mother.

I'm 25 years old and live with my fianc?e (we will be married in Nov. 2012). Ever since we got engaged, I feel my mom hasn't really been happy for me. She'll make comments saying how sad she is I'm getting married because it "truly means I'll never be moving back home." I don't know what to make of these comments. At first I could see it as being any other parent's type of happy-sadness when their child moves on with their own life. But with my mom it's different.

My mom has always been overbearing and compelled to track down my brother and I every minute of the day when we were growing up. This behavior hasn't stopped and might I say even gotten worse after I got engaged. She'll call or text once, then if I don't answer right away, she'll start a panicked routine of trying to get a hold of me- sometimes even calling my fianc?e. Usually it's a normal day, my fianc?e and I will be out doing something and I won't look at my phone for hours only to find this madness later. This has consistently happened my whole life.

So, I've recently tried to confront the issues at hand with my mother by bringing up a very adult conversation about her behavior. She takes everything I say as a personal attack and doesn't want to listen to how her behavior is making me feel. She really took it over the top today with this statement, "please try and remember nobody, not your husband, not your friends, your kids, or anyone else in your life will put themselves on the side for you, only your mother will do that."

Now, call me crazy, but I thought the basis of a marriage was supposed to be supporting each other and sometimes putting your partners needs above your own because that is what a loving relationship entails.

Her statement has just really sent my mind into a tailspin because does this mean she's never loved my father? Never felt anyone's loved her but her mother? I really can't grasp what she's trying to say. I love my fianc?e with all my heart and would certainly put his needs before my own. He'd do the same for me.

All of these years I've spent dealing with her anxiety and over protectiveness and it's wearing me out. I just want a normal relationship with my mom, someone I can turn to if needed, but not someone who feels the need to dictate to me what I should do or to judge me and keep reminding me ill never understand because I'm not a mother.

Any suggestions to begin dealing with this would be much appreciated and helpful. After that statement I'm tempted to seek out counseling to help me deal with this.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I have my theories, but no one can make a diagnosis here... However, where I found out what was wrong with my own mother was through my therapist. And it helped me with my own issues that I had since I was raised by her. She may not be exactly like my mom, but I recognize when there is a lack of boundaries... Where she thinks she has to know where you are every minute and her life is going to end just because you didn't answer her right away. It's not because you are a terrible daughter doing something mean to your mom, by the way, but more likely is a problem with her perception of what a relationship is with a daughter and mom, and what her perception of a husband and wife are. My question to you is, do you ever feel like you are going insane but you aren't sure why, but even though it has something to do with your mom, you can't quite put your finger on it? Is it normal for her to expect the world to revolve around her, and feel upset or betrayed simply because someone (ie Daughter, Husband, etc) has a different opinion than her, or has their own life and wants some independence?

You might find some answers if you ask a therapist. Because it's nice to get validation that you are not the one that has the problem, and because a therapist could probably pin down for you what exactly is wrong with momsy.

My mom treated all three of us kids differently, pitted us against each other, wouldn't let me compete or "look better" than my middle brother (her special project) and controlled me and put restrictions on me because I was supposed to set the example for the family and be responsible. However my younger brothers never got any restrictions. Ever. You didn't mention if you had siblings, but I wondered if there was a similar dynamic... Did one sibling get better treated than the other? Did someone get coddled while the other was constantly criticized?

 

[Always Changing]

It could be that your mom loves you so much that maybe she has does not know how to loosen the apron strings. Maybe even the thoughts of it sends her into a panic. Some panicked people can very defensive and unable to listen to others when in a face to face conversation.
Do you think if you wrote her a letter or an email explaining your feelings etc,, that it might help in someway,? maybe have you tried it already?
One that does not necessarily contain any questions\arguments etc or judgements of her...
but rather letting her know for instance how different things\words\sentences etc make you feel..
eg: "Mom when you say (whatever)... that makes me feel like I am still a small child"..
A few sentences similar to this might help make a difference to how she sees what her actions etc are doing to you.

Tell her you love her very much and that you know she loves you and is only trying to guide and protect you, let her know that you will always need her as .....

someone I can turn to if needed, but not someone who feels the need to dictate to me what I should do or to judge me and keep reminding me ill never understand because I'm not a mother.

Try to let her know in the nicest way possible that continuing to do as she does will only serve to drive a wedge between you and that you do not want that to happen.

Not sure if you think it would help but will include this anyway.. since you wrote that her behavior has worsened some bit since you got engaged.. maybe let her know that you are not leaving her but are instead extending her family.

As I said maybe you have tried this already.. if not then you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.. if nothing changes (and maybe nothing will from your moms perspective) at least you will know you did get to let her know (nicely and lovingly) how you feel.

Hope this helps a bit.