Panic

[Lonewolf]

I am sorry to keep bugging you guys on different parts of the forum, please forgive me? I have a counselling session tomorrow and I am scared about it!! I can't see past the next 5 minutes to be honest with you!! I wish life had a pause button, I really do!! I feel like I'm losing momentum!! Getting lost in a fog!! How do I keep going when I feel like I've hit a brick wall?? Is it a good idea to still go to the session when I feel like this? Should I push myself into it? Will it be ok? Is it in these times that I really need to make myself go? I don't actually totally know why I am freaking out right now, I just feel total panic!! Like I am going to fall from a great height!! I don't know if I feel angry, sad, worried, confused, paranoid, lonely, isolated, insecure, upset or just stupid? I don't fully understand what is swimming around inside this head of mine, I just know I'm frightened!! Somebody please talk to me? Please??

 

[Retired]

Re: panic!!!

I think that when we feel ambivalence prior to an event, in this case, going to a counselling session. it's because we feel anxiety about it.

This anxiety is perhaps due to a fear of the unknown, which by definition, has little foundation for the fear, albeit real and distressing as it is for you now.

Maybe some analysis of the situation might help...such as listing all the reasons that would be beneficial for going to counseling on one side of a piece of paper, and on the other side, write down the worst thing that could happen by going to counseling.

Then determine of there is any evidence to support the bad thing.

Oh, and don't forget my favorite relaxation exercise..diaphragmatic breathing! It's my "go to" strategy when I feel tense, anxious or stressed, wherever I happen to be.

 

[Lonewolf]

Re: panic!!!

I think that one of my biggest problems is that I am very nervous about crying in front of the counsellor!! It sounds daft I know!! It's pathetic!!

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I'm actually petrified of breaking down in front of her!! I know it's probably very irrational, but this is very frightening to me!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It is not unusual for people to cry in front of a therapist or counselor. Many have done it before you and many will do it in the future. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all. If you didn't have things to cry about, you probably wouldn't be there.

 

[Lonewolf]

I guess so!! Even the thought of it makes me feel so vulnerable!! I sort of know she won't hurt me, but this is a deep seated issue I have had since a very young age!! I was punished for feeling anything other than happy and even though I am an adult now and I can protect myself, it has always inhibited me being able to deal with emotions especially in front of other people!!

 

[GDPR]

You are doing good Lonewolf,just keep pushing through,you will get through this.

Going to your session while having anxiety and panic will be a good opportunity to be taught how to calm yourself down,as it is happening.

If you dont want to be seen crying just turn your chair around or cover your face with a magazine or something,I have done both before.

 

[Retired]

I was punished for feeling anything other than happy and even though I am an adult now and I can protect myself, it has always inhibited me being able to deal with emotions especially in front of other people!!

While this is a very real and understandable concern for you given your family history, can you see that it is an unrealistic expectation of anyone to hide their emotions.

I respect and admire anyone who can not only laugh, but also be tearful in the face of sadness or even joy, and sometimes we all want and need to cry, which is perfectly fine and acceptable.

As a child I too was punished for things that did not make sense, but with the help of therapy and living in a more supportive environment, I realize the punishment was not because I was wrong or bad, but it was because my parent at the time was ill informed and had distorted understanding of my actions at the time. In other words, Lonewolf, the punishment had nothing to do with me nor my actions at the time.

I hope, for you, Lonewolf, that as a result of the courageous step you are about to take in counseling, that you will be able to find ways to deal with those demons that have disrupted your life and that in time, you will take back control of your life.

Take along a few tissues, tell your story, and feel free to cry your eyes out if you feel like it. Your therapist will understand.

 

[GDPR]

I hope you come back and let us know how your session went Lonewolf.

 

[Lonewolf]

I did go to the session, but somehow the tears never came, even though I felt them inside me!! I didn't deliberately stop them!! It's like they automatically turned off before I got there!! I need to feel safer with her, I guess? I have joined a gym to lose weight and to build muscle!! I can zone out, listening to my iPod and do exercise until I am exhausted!! It does help a bit, it takes some of the energy that would usually be used on a lot of bad ideas!! I started it believing that the pain from the exercise could replace the pain I got from S/H!! Unfortunately, it's not the same sort of pain that I got and needed from S/H!! So the urge to S/H has not eased as much as I had hoped!! It has been suggested that my S/H is me carrying on the punishment I got from the family!! I never thought of that to be honest!! I thought that it was my way of punishing myself for all of the pain and anguish I caused the family!! It's something to consider, I suppose!! It also took away the difficult stuff inside my head and turned it into physical pain that I am more able to cope with. At the moment, I am struggling to deal with the new outlets for the horrible stuff not being as effective so most of it is still swimming around, eating away at me!! I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You've just started with this therapist so it will take a bit of time. When do you see her again?

You're doing well, Lonewolf. Better than you think. [emoji106]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Lonewolf]

I see her once a week on a Tuesday!!

 

[Retired]

Glad to hear you went to your first session. A journey begins with a single step, and this was your first step to eventual recovery.

 

[GDPR]

It took me a long time to be able to cry in front of my therapist,a few years actually.I realize now that it was because I was afraid to allow myself to feel/be vulnerable.

I think I cry nearly every session now,something I never imagined myself ever doing.It takes time Lonewolf,but I agree,you are doing well.I know it is all very hard but you should be proud.

 

[Lonewolf]

This was the sixth session with the counsellor and it's been progressively harder to deal with!! I knew it would be difficult, but never expected it could effect me like it has!! I am doing my best to stick with it!!! I think that maybe it will get worse before it gets any better!! She's a very honest and straight talking woman and I appreciate that a lot!! It's just the old trust issues that get in the way!!

 

[forgetmenot]

Trust is not easily given really it takes awhile for that to come Lonewolf but it will come.
Took a few sessions i think for me to show emotions i would fight it keep it buried on purpose but now it seems they come so easily those dam tears.

I think because trust is there one knows then they will not be judged for the way they present themselves.

Therapist has a way of bringing the sadness to the surface something i was not able to do by myself

Just go at your own pace ok Lonewolf and let the therapist know if you are feeling overwhelmed

It will not be an easy journey but you deserve the care and understanding you will receive

Always take care of YOU ok because you are important hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

Also just remember LW that all these things that you are going through, they are things that need to come out of you. If you can find ways to let yourself cry (whether that be in the therapist room, or while you are taking a walk during the daytime, or whatever works for you), as well as in time tell her whatever things youve been thinking and feeling through your life and things you've been told about yourself ... (and sometimes writing it down when it comes to you and then giving the piece of paper to her can be a good way of doing it), then over time all those things will go through a transforming process and there will be a lot less of the dreadful stuff that floats around within you that you feel so tempted to deal with in other ways.

This process that you are going through will let you in time think and feel differently about all of it, and end up not feeling like you are carrying around something dreadful that you must constantly try to cope with in dangerous ways that cause more problems for you. It will also open up new things you can do in your life that can bring you comfort and enjoyment and achievement. It will certainly be hard at first though, going up against your ingrained patterns.

You're doing really, really, really well!

I encourage you too to keep on with the gym if you can, at least some of the time (even though the purpose you started it for isn't operating the way you thought). I believe you are likely to start experiencing other benefits that will end up making it seem worthwhile for you. I think every time you go you should tell yourself that you did a good thing for yourself and tell yourself how important that is. You should do this too with any other things you get done, like when you need to get something at the store, fill out a form, make a phone call, travel from one place to another, do tasks at home, whatever it may be. Especially do this with your therapy sessions which we know have been a very hard thing to do for you.

It's good to validate and praise yourself a lot. Kids need this growing up and as adults we need these things too. It will take time to offset the lack of these things that you have grown up with.

After you have spent a bit of time giving these necessary things to yourself, you will be surprised how different you may start feeling. All humans need positive feedback and validation and getting used to giving it to ourselves is very helpful, and it lets all sorts of things gradually become possible for us.