More threads by Gayalondiel

This is kind of a sick question, but it's one that struck me as I was typing up my other post - I've noticed that a lot of people that I've spoken to view cutting as a very impulsive, spur-of-the-moment, passionate kind of thing.

Am I the only one who plans it out, and works out when I can get my fix? Even now, when I've been good for several months, I still find myself making space when I come home from work, finding time to be alone in case I need to...

That is kind of sick, isn't it? If I didn't do it, I'd assume it was hot and impulsive, but for me it's always been cold and clinical.
I've only done this for a few months. At first I did it in a moment of what you could call "passion." I was angry. Then I started doing it more often when there was no "trigger" at all. And soon enough it became ritualistic behavior - I can't go a day without doing it at least once. Usually at night before I head off to bed. Somtimes in the afternoon as well, if I start feeling weird. It does feel very clinical. I thought and still think that I'm not a real self-injurer at all because of this and the fact that I had read a lot about the topic long before I even started. In fact, I thought this was a disgusiting, attention-seeking, immature habit. It scared the hell out of me. Made me sick to my stomach. Then I realized how easy it was. I felt wonderfully in control. I wanted to tell everybody that it wasn't something of which to be afraid. It was easy. Of course, I didn't tell anybody except one person whose reaction I thought would help me stop. Anyhow, it feels very planned. Though I tell myself I won't do everyday when I wake up, I simultaneously look forward to it.
Yes, it IS easy. Yes, it does make you feel in control, but eventually it controls you. It takes over your mind, your emotions, your body and your thoughts.

It damages you physically and emotionally. I think I am forever stuck at the ago of ten or younger (because I can't ever remember NOT doing it) in some ways emotionally because of this. I cannot deal with my emotions. It's terrifying trying to, but I am. It's much scarier facing all the thoughts and emotions and memories and, well, just life than cutting or burning. But I think I'll come out on the other side braver and stronger. I hope anyway.

As far as planning or whatever, I usually always planned it. Very much so.

And it's only been a week since I stopped and I've stopped before, but I'm working on changing my thinking about it and telling myself a big, fat NO when the thoughts come into my head. I'm trying to turn my thoughts into something positive, like petting my dog and cats, or writing or painting one of my silly little projects. Anything that isn't destructive to me. I had this brief fleeting thought that maybe I've had enough pain for awhile. Maybe I need a break.
It also feels very compulsive because I'm overly preoccupied with "filling in the blank spaces." If I see too much blank skin, I need to fill it in. That's mostly what goes through my mind. Not things like, "Oh my god, I'm in so much paaaain, I'm so miserable, I don't like myself," because none of those are really true. After a while, I look down on what I've done and am usually disappointed because I haven't done enough. I'm a very competitive person, and so I'm insecure that what I've done isn't "good" (or bad) enough. So I try to do a little more the next day. Lately I've been trying to do a little less, though. Except then I have urges to do it more than once a day to make up for it. It's really lame. I should be able to get over this since I've only done it for a short while. It doesn't feel like I should even have this "problem."

Could it be that I forced it upon myself just because I read about it? I don't think I would have progressed to cutting if I didn't know anything about it or didn't know somebody who used to do it. Before this, I only ever hurt myself through episodic slapping, biting, pinching or pulling on my hair. That never became compulsive and it was usually quite cathartic. This, on the other hand, is so clinical it makes me feel like I have a bit more control over my emotions...though I think I already had very good control over them before this started. So...I fear maybe I am entering some sort of melodramatic phase, which is what I've tried to avoid all my life.
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