BluMac81
Member
Before I begin I must make clear that I have no intention of either harming myself or committing the act of suicide. I merely pose here a question or perhaps a longing for understanding, enlightenment regarding this subject.
I engage in DBT therapy and have been keeping the daily record on my journal for weeks now, and under the suicidal urges category, no matter how the day was for me, it is always a 1 (on a scale of 1-5). Why? It's kind of hard to explain, but I kind of have this philosophical struggle with the concept of life and death. Like today, I find myself watching endlessly this tv series (online), and I ask myself "what good is coming from watching this show?". The answer, the I came to when I searched my heart was "It makes time go by faster." So in other words, I seem to want my life to speed up, to 'get it over with' in a sense. Quite possibly because I know for a fact my future is going to be full of struggle and hardship (as everyone's life is) Granted, there will be opposites of that, joy and peace coming sparratically throughout life. Yet here I remain, wanting to 'get life over with'. At night when I try to fall asleep (a big struggle for me), the most comforting thought is the thought of me dying. The final rest. And I wonder, what keeps others, with lives much worse than mine, going? Now for me, suicide is not an option and never will be (for it would hurt my loved ones), but nevertheless my respect for life and all it contains, is very low. I don't see it as precious and I don't see it as a gift, I see it as curse. Hence why I take so many measures to avoid the real world via entertainment media and the like, in a way, don't we all do that?
Anyway pardon my ramblings, I am in no distress and things are going pretty well as can be expected. I am just curious as to what you others think of this and especially the question of "what makes life precious to you?" or... "what makes life worth living to you?". Please feel free to include religious reasons as that is most definitely a factor to be considered.
Matt
I engage in DBT therapy and have been keeping the daily record on my journal for weeks now, and under the suicidal urges category, no matter how the day was for me, it is always a 1 (on a scale of 1-5). Why? It's kind of hard to explain, but I kind of have this philosophical struggle with the concept of life and death. Like today, I find myself watching endlessly this tv series (online), and I ask myself "what good is coming from watching this show?". The answer, the I came to when I searched my heart was "It makes time go by faster." So in other words, I seem to want my life to speed up, to 'get it over with' in a sense. Quite possibly because I know for a fact my future is going to be full of struggle and hardship (as everyone's life is) Granted, there will be opposites of that, joy and peace coming sparratically throughout life. Yet here I remain, wanting to 'get life over with'. At night when I try to fall asleep (a big struggle for me), the most comforting thought is the thought of me dying. The final rest. And I wonder, what keeps others, with lives much worse than mine, going? Now for me, suicide is not an option and never will be (for it would hurt my loved ones), but nevertheless my respect for life and all it contains, is very low. I don't see it as precious and I don't see it as a gift, I see it as curse. Hence why I take so many measures to avoid the real world via entertainment media and the like, in a way, don't we all do that?
Anyway pardon my ramblings, I am in no distress and things are going pretty well as can be expected. I am just curious as to what you others think of this and especially the question of "what makes life precious to you?" or... "what makes life worth living to you?". Please feel free to include religious reasons as that is most definitely a factor to be considered.
Matt