Please, will someone help?

[David Baxter PhD]

Anything is possible, I guess, but I wouldn't even attempt to draw any conclusions about that at a distance.

I suspect it has more to do with depression and stress and defenses you've constructed against being hurt or overhwelmed.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Anything is possible, I guess, but I wouldn't even attempt to draw any conclusions about that at a distance.

I suspect it has more to do with depression and stress and defenses you've constructed against being hurt or overhwelmed.

 

[Needing_Help]

Well I think it's certainly possible

My life at home hasn't always been good - my parents have sometimes been violent, always been edgy, but normally not with me. My father dragged my mother through a lot of pain, and I guess it affected me too. I don't really remember much from when I was younger, except my mother crying a lot (she sometimes still does - but she has good reasons too). I don't think I was ever directly involved in their arguments after my birth, but still I guess it took it's toll. It's not exactly fair to say we were a really broken family (from my perspective), but I guess things weren't that good. There were a few points in my life which left a really deep scar on me, and they were to do with my mother, but they don't hurt or mean anything to me anymore. I'll explain later im in the UK and need some sleep!

Well, anyway, thank you very much for the help.

 

[Needing_Help]

Well I think it's certainly possible

My life at home hasn't always been good - my parents have sometimes been violent, always been edgy, but normally not with me. My father dragged my mother through a lot of pain, and I guess it affected me too. I don't really remember much from when I was younger, except my mother crying a lot (she sometimes still does - but she has good reasons too). I don't think I was ever directly involved in their arguments after my birth, but still I guess it took it's toll. It's not exactly fair to say we were a really broken family (from my perspective), but I guess things weren't that good. There were a few points in my life which left a really deep scar on me, and they were to do with my mother, but they don't hurt or mean anything to me anymore. I'll explain later im in the UK and need some sleep!

Well, anyway, thank you very much for the help.

 

[Needing_Help]

OK I guess I'll continue where I left off...

There were times this year (and last), when I got into physical fights with my mother, over small things, but I drove her hysterical. She said some things that I remember, things like "I don't love you any more", and "You're just like your father" (although these things were a lot my fault in retrospect), which hurt then, especially the second one, because I thought that I might be turning into him - something I desperately don't want to be. I remember times when I used to cry in the bathroom, because I hated school and everything that was going on - I was depressed a lot younger I think. It wasn't anything in particular that upset me I don't think, I was just generally unhappy.

These things don't upset me anymore at all. I remember vaguely what people have said or not said (a lot is just a blur), but nothing really hurts me inside. I don't even remember my emotions ever being that powerful, but I remember times when I was crying pretty intensely and when I felt like sh**.

Whenever I feel emotions - pity, sadness, whatever, they're really short-lived - I'm beginning to think that I might have done this to myself subconsciously - like I'm crushing them. I'm not sure, but since David Baxter suggested it to me if has seemed more and more obvious to me.

I need to stop. It's killing me inside - I'm not a human being anymore.

When I tried to describe my problems to the school counsellor, he told me my body language showed that I had emotions; but what happens to me physically doesn't really represent what goes on inside my head. I can cry, but inside, it doesn't hurt at all.

I feel like a human robot sometimes; something that's been functioned to act like a human, but really isn't one. I never have the feeling when I do something that it feels right or good anymore - a lot of apathic uncertainty. It depresses me when people talk about things like the deaths of their own relatives and that I really don't and call feel for them at all.

Even, when I was a child, I used to be scared of death a huge amount - It was what kept me awake at night. I don't really care about it - I can't even visualise death anymore.

I need help...

 

[Needing_Help]

OK I guess I'll continue where I left off...

There were times this year (and last), when I got into physical fights with my mother, over small things, but I drove her hysterical. She said some things that I remember, things like "I don't love you any more", and "You're just like your father" (although these things were a lot my fault in retrospect), which hurt then, especially the second one, because I thought that I might be turning into him - something I desperately don't want to be. I remember times when I used to cry in the bathroom, because I hated school and everything that was going on - I was depressed a lot younger I think. It wasn't anything in particular that upset me I don't think, I was just generally unhappy.

These things don't upset me anymore at all. I remember vaguely what people have said or not said (a lot is just a blur), but nothing really hurts me inside. I don't even remember my emotions ever being that powerful, but I remember times when I was crying pretty intensely and when I felt like sh**.

Whenever I feel emotions - pity, sadness, whatever, they're really short-lived - I'm beginning to think that I might have done this to myself subconsciously - like I'm crushing them. I'm not sure, but since David Baxter suggested it to me if has seemed more and more obvious to me.

I need to stop. It's killing me inside - I'm not a human being anymore.

When I tried to describe my problems to the school counsellor, he told me my body language showed that I had emotions; but what happens to me physically doesn't really represent what goes on inside my head. I can cry, but inside, it doesn't hurt at all.

I feel like a human robot sometimes; something that's been functioned to act like a human, but really isn't one. I never have the feeling when I do something that it feels right or good anymore - a lot of apathic uncertainty. It depresses me when people talk about things like the deaths of their own relatives and that I really don't and call feel for them at all.

Even, when I was a child, I used to be scared of death a huge amount - It was what kept me awake at night. I don't really care about it - I can't even visualise death anymore.

I need help...

 

[Needing_Help]

Does anyone know what I can do to take these barriers down? I don't know how I've put them up, and I can't really seem to be able to look past them - I think they really run deep.

Earlier today, I was crying, but that was only a physical and on the outside - inside I felt absolutely fine (or almost - I had an almost invisible pang of sadness but these are really, really small).

Can someone explain what's happening to me?

 

[Needing_Help]

Does anyone know what I can do to take these barriers down? I don't know how I've put them up, and I can't really seem to be able to look past them - I think they really run deep.

Earlier today, I was crying, but that was only a physical and on the outside - inside I felt absolutely fine (or almost - I had an almost invisible pang of sadness but these are really, really small).

Can someone explain what's happening to me?

 

[Daniel E.]

Personally, with my feelings of apathy, I find that a behavioral approach is often helpful, e.g. doing positive things even if you don't feel like it. For example, doing nice things for one's mother like doing an extra chore even if one could care less. The idea is that eventually these positive behaviors will result in positive feelings.

Another thing is that, with depression, one often has to look longer to find something positive or of interest about a project, a person, a situation, or even one's life since one's ability to enjoy and appreciate things is diminished. This is partly why therapists will sometimes ask clients to write a list of everything positive or interesting in their life. As the saying goes, life is in the details. This detailed approach also helps one avoid negative, overgeneralized thinking like "life sucks."

 

[Daniel E.]

Personally, with my feelings of apathy, I find that a behavioral approach is often helpful, e.g. doing positive things even if you don't feel like it. For example, doing nice things for one's mother like doing an extra chore even if one could care less. The idea is that eventually these positive behaviors will result in positive feelings.

Another thing is that, with depression, one often has to look longer to find something positive or of interest about a project, a person, a situation, or even one's life since one's ability to enjoy and appreciate things is diminished. This is partly why therapists will sometimes ask clients to write a list of everything positive or interesting in their life. As the saying goes, life is in the details. This detailed approach also helps one avoid negative, overgeneralized thinking like "life sucks."

 

[Needing_Help]

Thank you for your help. I will definitely try, but my issue is that I really can't generate positive feelings - I'm emotionally very empty.

I must have shut them off somehow, but I don't know how or really why. For instance today, I was crying (I had tears in my eyes that definitely were caused by sadness) when reading an article about Nazi persecution on the internet, but inside me I felt no sadness at all.

The only thing I feel is occasionally upset about the way I am - I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

I don't know what I've done to myself...

 

[Needing_Help]

Thank you for your help. I will definitely try, but my issue is that I really can't generate positive feelings - I'm emotionally very empty.

I must have shut them off somehow, but I don't know how or really why. For instance today, I was crying (I had tears in my eyes that definitely were caused by sadness) when reading an article about Nazi persecution on the internet, but inside me I felt no sadness at all.

The only thing I feel is occasionally upset about the way I am - I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

I don't know what I've done to myself...

 

[Daniel E.]

I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

You will get better with professional treatment and even the passage of time. This feeling of hopelessness ("I don't think I ever will") is an expected symptom of depression, and, BTW, I think it's common for people with depression to think that other people with depression will get better but that they themselves won't. When I started having depression, I was very skeptical that I would get better, even though all the clincial studies I read were to the contrary, and I would argue with my therapist and my psychiatrist that I would never get better to a meaningful degree.

Regarding self-help, my understanding is that before people see a therapist for a while, self-help methods can often be ineffective and frustrating. Sometimes, the best one can do is take a day (or moment) at a time until one's symptoms improve with treatment, hopefully being somewhat distracted by daily activities.

At a good site for depression, UndoingDepression.com, the following advice is given on its page of mood-changing activities:

If you're really feeling seriously depressed, please don't beat yourself up if you don't have the motivation to try any of these ideas. Depression is an illness we can't control; just wait to try until things start to feel a little better.

Mood Changers - UndoingDepression.com

Also, depression-related apathy usually improves as one's underlying depression gets better with treatment.

 

[Daniel E.]

I feel depressed at how other people can experience things I can't and I don't think ever will.

You will get better with professional treatment and even the passage of time. This feeling of hopelessness ("I don't think I ever will") is an expected symptom of depression, and, BTW, I think it's common for people with depression to think that other people with depression will get better but that they themselves won't. When I started having depression, I was very skeptical that I would get better, even though all the clincial studies I read were to the contrary, and I would argue with my therapist and my psychiatrist that I would never get better to a meaningful degree.

Regarding self-help, my understanding is that before people see a therapist for a while, self-help methods can often be ineffective and frustrating. Sometimes, the best one can do is take a day (or moment) at a time until one's symptoms improve with treatment, hopefully being somewhat distracted by daily activities.

At a good site for depression, UndoingDepression.com, the following advice is given on its page of mood-changing activities:

If you're really feeling seriously depressed, please don't beat yourself up if you don't have the motivation to try any of these ideas. Depression is an illness we can't control; just wait to try until things start to feel a little better.

Mood Changers - UndoingDepression.com

Also, depression-related apathy usually improves as one's underlying depression gets better with treatment.

 

[Needing_Help]

Thanks a lot for your support and patience Daniel.

My depression is sort of brought on by my emotional apathy; I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it. I guess it's a vicious cycle.

I manage to keep myself busy pretty well - writing, keeping an online diary (which is basically open for all my friends' entertainment and therefore very unreflective of how I feel), talking a lot on messenger...

 

[Needing_Help]

Thanks a lot for your support and patience Daniel.

My depression is sort of brought on by my emotional apathy; I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it. I guess it's a vicious cycle.

I manage to keep myself busy pretty well - writing, keeping an online diary (which is basically open for all my friends' entertainment and therefore very unreflective of how I feel), talking a lot on messenger...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you also keep an offline diary? You could be more honest if you were the only one reading it...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you also keep an offline diary? You could be more honest if you were the only one reading it...

 

[Mattius_]

Hey buddy.

I'm 19 years old, I dont have any degrees, I dont have much life experience, but I have been depressed before. I can say that I dont think I was ever as depressed as you, but I was (and still sometimes am) depressed.

First of all, you sound like a guy who is aware of his own ignorance, meaning that you know that sometimes your logic can be flawed, and you may not always be right. I think that is a huge strength, and I think some of the greatest minds this world has ever seen couldnt stop wondering about this and that in their own thoughts. In other words, I think the true key to wisdom is uncertainty in one's own thinking. In light of that fact, I think we should take a look at something you had to say.

I read through your posts and I ran across something you said that kind of stuck out at me. You said that

I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it.

I have learned in my own time that making assumptions like these is apart of the problem. What you are doing is trying to look at all of the variables in your life and stacking them up on a trend line in an attempt to find the 'what should be.' You then take the 'what should be' and compare it to the reality (what you are going through right now) and you see a huge gap. I think this is the wrong way to go about things because we both know that we are both very young and that we have no idea of 'what should be.' We are young, we are inexperienced, there are too many variables to take into account. Basically, I am trying to say that in light of the fact that we know we are ignorant, we should not try to even think about the 'what should be' at all. Only look at the 'what is', meaning the reality of things. Nothing else matters.

I know sometimes it is hard not to think that your mind is the problem, but I dont think that is the case with most instances of depression. Depression usually comes from something outside the mind (for example, something that happend to you when you were young), it doesnt usually come from the inside. The very fact that you know something is critically wrong points to the fact that your mind has the abilitity to think about and solve problems!

The true test of mental ability is whether or not your mind can figure out how to climb out of the hole that you are in. Consider it a challenge to find the solutions, because curing yourself is not easy. There are some large obstacles in your way, but if you overcome those obstacles, you will gain everything that is needed to have a fulfilling life. If you do make it out, (which for a 15 year old you sound very able to do so) you will be stronger than everyone else. Look at it this way, only a few people are fortunate enough to have huge obstacles in front of them. Conquering obstacles (like the ones you have in front of you) will give you the strength to do anything you would ever want to. Isnt that something to be hopeful for? Isnt that something to look forward to?

Lastly, and on a different note, seeking help requires both good communication skills and good effort to comprehend on both sides in order to fully understand eachother. Read my words and everyone else's words carefully(and ask questions if need be), and make sure that your words are being put in the right way. I'm not saying you havent been doing that well already, I'm just saying that it is something you should always be thinking about and striving for. I'm pretty sure that I'll have to clarify on a few things, because I am still unable to communicate well enough sometimes, particularly the part about 'should be' paragraph. Anyways it is late, and I'll try to re-word it later for a better understanding.

 

[Mattius_]

Hey buddy.

I'm 19 years old, I dont have any degrees, I dont have much life experience, but I have been depressed before. I can say that I dont think I was ever as depressed as you, but I was (and still sometimes am) depressed.

First of all, you sound like a guy who is aware of his own ignorance, meaning that you know that sometimes your logic can be flawed, and you may not always be right. I think that is a huge strength, and I think some of the greatest minds this world has ever seen couldnt stop wondering about this and that in their own thoughts. In other words, I think the true key to wisdom is uncertainty in one's own thinking. In light of that fact, I think we should take a look at something you had to say.

I read through your posts and I ran across something you said that kind of stuck out at me. You said that

I should have a pretty good life; it's just that I can't seem to appreciate it.

I have learned in my own time that making assumptions like these is apart of the problem. What you are doing is trying to look at all of the variables in your life and stacking them up on a trend line in an attempt to find the 'what should be.' You then take the 'what should be' and compare it to the reality (what you are going through right now) and you see a huge gap. I think this is the wrong way to go about things because we both know that we are both very young and that we have no idea of 'what should be.' We are young, we are inexperienced, there are too many variables to take into account. Basically, I am trying to say that in light of the fact that we know we are ignorant, we should not try to even think about the 'what should be' at all. Only look at the 'what is', meaning the reality of things. Nothing else matters.

I know sometimes it is hard not to think that your mind is the problem, but I dont think that is the case with most instances of depression. Depression usually comes from something outside the mind (for example, something that happend to you when you were young), it doesnt usually come from the inside. The very fact that you know something is critically wrong points to the fact that your mind has the abilitity to think about and solve problems!

The true test of mental ability is whether or not your mind can figure out how to climb out of the hole that you are in. Consider it a challenge to find the solutions, because curing yourself is not easy. There are some large obstacles in your way, but if you overcome those obstacles, you will gain everything that is needed to have a fulfilling life. If you do make it out, (which for a 15 year old you sound very able to do so) you will be stronger than everyone else. Look at it this way, only a few people are fortunate enough to have huge obstacles in front of them. Conquering obstacles (like the ones you have in front of you) will give you the strength to do anything you would ever want to. Isnt that something to be hopeful for? Isnt that something to look forward to?

Lastly, and on a different note, seeking help requires both good communication skills and good effort to comprehend on both sides in order to fully understand eachother. Read my words and everyone else's words carefully(and ask questions if need be), and make sure that your words are being put in the right way. I'm not saying you havent been doing that well already, I'm just saying that it is something you should always be thinking about and striving for. I'm pretty sure that I'll have to clarify on a few things, because I am still unable to communicate well enough sometimes, particularly the part about 'should be' paragraph. Anyways it is late, and I'll try to re-word it later for a better understanding.