Needing_Help
Member
I don't think I would ever have the motivation to write an offline diary. My online diary is basically just a bit of a laugh and generally (slightly) exaggerated (but not greatly so - everyone from school usually reads it). For instance, this was today's entry (I'm blanking out all the names). It's all quite subject-orientated, and some is a little inappropriate as humour goes, but none of it is meant to be offensive - some stuff is pretty rough but again, not written to be offensively (I'm fully asian - this first part is when we had to write debates on discussing whether the entire Metropolitan police should be armed).
"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"
Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today.
Oh shit.
I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.
I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.
So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...
Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.
In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).
My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out - I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.
I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).
Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).
Anyway, I have homework or something.
Take Care.
*****
Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.
I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...
I will try my best.
My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.
This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.
You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.
"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"
Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today.
Oh shit.
I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.
I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.
So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...
Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.
In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).
My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out - I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.
I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).
Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).
Anyway, I have homework or something.
Take Care.
*****
Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.
I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...
I will try my best.
My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.
This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.
You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.