Please, will someone help?

[Needing_Help]

I don't think I would ever have the motivation to write an offline diary. My online diary is basically just a bit of a laugh and generally (slightly) exaggerated (but not greatly so - everyone from school usually reads it). For instance, this was today's entry (I'm blanking out all the names). It's all quite subject-orientated, and some is a little inappropriate as humour goes, but none of it is meant to be offensive - some stuff is pretty rough but again, not written to be offensively (I'm fully asian - this first part is when we had to write debates on discussing whether the entire Metropolitan police should be armed).



"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"

Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today.

Oh shit.

I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.

I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.

So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...

Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.

In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).

My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out - I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.

I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).

Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).

Anyway, I have homework or something.

Take Care.

*****




Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.

I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...

I will try my best.

My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.

This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.

You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.

 

[Needing_Help]

I don't think I would ever have the motivation to write an offline diary. My online diary is basically just a bit of a laugh and generally (slightly) exaggerated (but not greatly so - everyone from school usually reads it). For instance, this was today's entry (I'm blanking out all the names). It's all quite subject-orientated, and some is a little inappropriate as humour goes, but none of it is meant to be offensive - some stuff is pretty rough but again, not written to be offensively (I'm fully asian - this first part is when we had to write debates on discussing whether the entire Metropolitan police should be armed).



"Please raise your hands if you're black. Or brown. Or Chinese, or Muslim, or Jewish or can't trace your British blood back three generations. You know, the permanent guests. On your bike. When are you going back to Pakistan?"

Those were the first words uttered out of mouth in English today.

Oh shit.

I sounded like a little girl on helium. My speech was like a minute and a half long, but felt like Strom Thurmond's 24-hour filibuster on civil rights (didn't he need to use the bathroom once - seriously how the fuck did he manage?? ). I had hoped R**** would laugh at the beginning or something, because it was really, really awkward for the next five seconds in which I stood there, thinking, "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have said this". Some people looked mortified, some people thought I was a desperate attention grabber, some people just didn't get it all and gave me haunting stares. I might as well have said "Who wants pot?" and started handing out samples. There's always next time.

I don't know why I did it. Probably because everything I would have brought up had already been said and done - the resultant gun culture, the mistakes, the authoritarian aspect, the police psychological errors (including the murder of Charles de Menciez, the cost, the waste, the uselessness of carrying unusable weapons, the increasing of tension, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.

So it all came down to firefights in the ghetto of Kensington and Chelsea with the LAPD and the British National Party. Police racism...

Oh well, at least I probably made an impact on everybody listening. I don't think I possibly couldn't have.

In Chemistry I think I almost fell asleep three times. It wasn't because the lesson was uninteresting (it was, but then and again, it's Chemistry) - just that the classroon was really, really hot and slumber simply overcame me. Maths was fun for the second time in a row (setting records here) - sitting next to G** again and cracking some of the worst jokes known to mankind is a lot more fun than you'd think (as well as acting retarded - all in a really camp lisp while looking at Doc. M******* drawing quartic graphs - "those graphs are sooo smooth, lets draw some!!" etc).

My not-so-secret crush on L**** completely vanished today (for those of you that don't know, the uber-hot German assisstant(e) - sssss!) when she gave me a 2- for my private sessions with her. Grr. She ripped my heart out - I was being completely serious when I said I played with little children in my spare time, and liked to fly my hovercraft in my garden (thank you H****). I'm through with liking her! She's not worth my love and attention, let alone my fucking hovercraft.

I got my Star of David today. It's so pretty (but a little small). Score. I now just need something to put it round my neck, and I will be officially one step closer to being Jewish than I previously was. Mazel Tov (to me - can I say that?).

Anyway, psychologist visit today. Alright, I guess - better than last week. More later, I'm not in the mood of discussing the fucked-upness of my inner-brain - it would take up volumes and volumes and be worth millions to cranium-greedy psychologists (hopefully not my actual brain - just the volumes, but I'm sure my brain will be worth a lot to them too, just that it's not currently for sale and won't be in the near future unless I can acquire a better one).

Anyway, I have homework or something.

Take Care.

*****




Anyway, Mattius, thank you for your advice, I do understand pretty well what you're saying. I know I should have a pretty good life because I have a really caring mother, a supporting brother, plenty of friends that should mean a lot more to me than they do. I agree though that it is unhelpful to always look at what isn't, except to aim for it.

I desperately want to climb the obstacles in my way, and I hope I can do it, and it is something to look forward to. I just hope I have the mental strength and the ability to do it...

I will try my best.

My meeting with my school psychologist was better. I think I will go to a proper psychologist from his recommendation; hopefully I will be able to improve my condition. He says I can and I will - I hope so to.

This last statement sounds a little more optimistic than I am, but nevertheless, I'm beginning to have a little more hope.

You don't need to reword it. I've understood pretty well. Thank you.

 

[Needing_Help]

Hey.

I've seen the school therapist, and I was recommended to another counsellor, and I'm being recommended to a psychiatrist now I think.

I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to think.

Yesterday I had a huge crying session with my mother about both our lives... I was crying for at least half an hour, but in my heart it didn't hurt at all.

That happens occasionally.

I might have depersonalization or something - they aren't sure. Can someone explain what that is?

If anyone is able to help me figure out what's going on, I'd be more than grateful.

Thank you.

 

[Needing_Help]

Hey.

I've seen the school therapist, and I was recommended to another counsellor, and I'm being recommended to a psychiatrist now I think.

I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to think.

Yesterday I had a huge crying session with my mother about both our lives... I was crying for at least half an hour, but in my heart it didn't hurt at all.

That happens occasionally.

I might have depersonalization or something - they aren't sure. Can someone explain what that is?

If anyone is able to help me figure out what's going on, I'd be more than grateful.

Thank you.

 

[Daniel E.]

Depersonalization as a symptom seems quite common:

Depersonalization is the third most common psychiatric symptom and frequently occurs in life-threatening danger, such as accidents, assaults, and serious illnesses and injuries; it can occur as a symptom in many other psychiatric disorders and in seizure disorders. As a separate disorder, depersonalization has not been studied widely, and its incidence and cause are unknown.

Depersonalization Disorder - Merck Manual

The distinguishing characteristic of depersonalization disorder is the feeling that one is going through the motions of life, or that one's body or self is disconnected or unreal. Mind or body may be perceived as unattached, seen from a distance, existing in a dream, or mechanical. Such experiences are persistent and recurrent, and lead to distress and dysfunction. Chronic depersonalization is commonly accompanied by "derealization," the feeling that features of the environment are illusory. It should be noted that characteristics attributed to depersonalization disorder must be independent of any kind of substance abuse. It should also be noted that depersonalization as an isolated symptom may appear within the context of a wide variety of major psychiatric disorders. For example, mild episodes of depersonalization in otherwise normally functioning individuals have been reported following alcohol use, sensory deprivation, mild social or emotional stress or sleep deprivation, and as a side effect to medications. However, severe depersonalization is considered to be present only if the sense of detachment associated with the disorder is recurrent and predominant.

Understanding the Dissociative Disorders by Marlene Steinberg, M.D.

 

[Daniel E.]

Depersonalization as a symptom seems quite common:

Depersonalization is the third most common psychiatric symptom and frequently occurs in life-threatening danger, such as accidents, assaults, and serious illnesses and injuries; it can occur as a symptom in many other psychiatric disorders and in seizure disorders. As a separate disorder, depersonalization has not been studied widely, and its incidence and cause are unknown.

Depersonalization Disorder - Merck Manual

The distinguishing characteristic of depersonalization disorder is the feeling that one is going through the motions of life, or that one's body or self is disconnected or unreal. Mind or body may be perceived as unattached, seen from a distance, existing in a dream, or mechanical. Such experiences are persistent and recurrent, and lead to distress and dysfunction. Chronic depersonalization is commonly accompanied by "derealization," the feeling that features of the environment are illusory. It should be noted that characteristics attributed to depersonalization disorder must be independent of any kind of substance abuse. It should also be noted that depersonalization as an isolated symptom may appear within the context of a wide variety of major psychiatric disorders. For example, mild episodes of depersonalization in otherwise normally functioning individuals have been reported following alcohol use, sensory deprivation, mild social or emotional stress or sleep deprivation, and as a side effect to medications. However, severe depersonalization is considered to be present only if the sense of detachment associated with the disorder is recurrent and predominant.

Understanding the Dissociative Disorders by Marlene Steinberg, M.D.

 

[Needing_Help]

I don't know if I might have been wrongly diagnosed though... I have looked at the symptoms of depersonalisation and seem to be a little more solid... I do not ever feel outside of my body in any way, or detached from it particularly.



here are things I have noticed about myself as potential symptoms...

emotional detachment from everyone and everything (almost complete)

being unable to recognise my own appearance (I don;t have a mental picture of myself in my head, and am sometimes surprised when I look into a mirror)

occasional depression (I can only sometimes notice it and feel it in the background)

physical reactions to things which do not cause mental emotions (a huge session of crying, for instance, without any attached mental pain (or a rapid beating of my heart without mental nervousness attached, in a situation I should have been nervous in)

a complete lack of sexual interest, or crushes

a reluctance to socialise with people some of the time

any feelings tend to be usually brought on by physical discomfort (I find it easier to get angry when in physical pain, such as having hair pulled etcm or feel sad when listening to music)

Common headaches

Occasional obsessions, such as with politics (though actual policies don't mean anything to me, I can spend hours looking at various websites etc)

Sleep varies between 5 and 7 hours a night typically.

Difficulty visualising things (for instance, if a relative broke a leg, I wouldn't be able to visualise it at all). Things don't really bring meaning to me... for instance, it would not shock me if someone in my family died (and this has happened previously too - I think it comes from my lack of being able to grasp the concept)

Lack of purpose and meaning in life.

Consistent bad memories, especially concerning other people.

I used to be strongly emotionally involved in the sense that when I was a small child, I used to stay up all night for fear of monsters in my room, and got nightmares very easily. We have also always had a difficult family situation - my parents are getting divorced, and it has been unpleasant for many years, although I don't seem to remember this bothering me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Some of that sounds like the blunted affect of anhedonia, a sympton of depression.

There is a related syndrome called derealization:

Definitions of derealization on the Web:

a sense that reality has changed, detachment from ones own surroundings.
http://www.finr.com/glossary.html

An alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal (eg, people may seem unfamiliar or mechanical).
IndianPsychiatry.com is available at DomainMarket.com

In psychiatry, depersonalization (or derealization) is the experience of feelings of loss of a sense of reality. A sufferer feels that they have changed and the world has become less real — it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. A sufferer is divorced from both the world and from their own identity and physicality. Often times the person who has experienced this disorder claims that life "feels like a movie, things seem unreal, or hazy. ...
Derealization - Wikipedia

 

[Needing_Help]

But I was thinking these symptoms don't necessarily correspond to me.

It seems I have some of the symptoms for depression too;

I have poor concentration, generally irregular appetite, and (more in the past) have felt down and worthless - I have felt unhuman.

I also used to look (and sometimes still do) at myself in the mirror for long periods of time (say 1/2 an hour at the time almost, but while doing other things), although this might have been usual teenage vanity.

I also spend a lot of the time daydreaming.

 

[Needing_Help]

My mum has just gone hysterical on me.


She just said she hates me, I'm an attention seeker (because I wrote on my online diary once that I saw a psychologist, I've sucked her blood dry and shes hit me. She's screamed at me hysterically, sprayed spit in my face, and told me to leave the house tomorrow.

I told her this is the reason why I'm unstable, she yelled she doesn't care several times at me.

This is because I told her not to write emails to her friends telling them that I was seeing therapists.

This isn't the first time this sort if thing has happened. I don't know what to do. Help!

Is she wrong or not? I don't know anymore

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Her behavior wasn't appropriate, of course. Period.

On the other hand, people do sometimes say and do things tghey don't mean in the heat of a conflict. And there may have been a more tactful or less accusatory way for you to request that she respect your privacy (emails to her friends) that perhaps could have led to a different outcome.

I find in many families where these sorts of all-out conflicts occur regularly it's often not a question of "right" or "wrong" or "who's to blame" but more one of breaking a dysfunctional pattern of communication that has evolved within the family and finding different ways of talking and listening to one another.

 

[Needing_Help]

she knows thats what hurts me and she has said it several times (I don't love you anymore etc). She always reopens old wounds and makes things worse.

She keeps saying i swore at her (yes i did, but that was in the past, say six months ago, and she deserved it).

My throat hurts really badly, my eyes are red and tears stream down my cheeks, but my heart doesn't ache.

I don't understand why...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Your mind is trying to seal off the hurt behind a closed door, to minimize the pain you're feeling.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not justifying or excusing her behavior or what she said to you. There is a different between explaining some behavior and excusing it. All I'm trying to suggest is that there may be something in the way you and your mom communicate and interact that just isn't working - you trigger her and she triggers you. Perhaps this is something to talk to your therapist about.

 

[Needing_Help]

thank you.

I think that's probably right.

I was just thinking, I have memory problems sometimes too... is that a symptom of anything?

I have been playing piano for a long time and am at a fairly advanced standard (I play for about half an hour a day), but can't remember the name of a piece I've been playing for the past 3, or how they start.

It sometimes takes me 2 seconds or so to remember what my name is (this is rare), and I can't visualise myself and how I look like.

I don't know who I am.

Does that indicate something?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It might be indicative of any one of several things, but if I were your doctor/therapist I'd start with the most simple explanations first - I'd be looking at the fact that there is a lot of conflict, stress, tension, distress, pain, etc., etc., in your life at the moment and your attempts to manage all of them are taking a lot of psychological energy and resources away from simple tasks like remembering names, dates, numbers, etc.

 

[Needing_Help]

this may sound like a stupid question, and it probably is, but will I ever get better?

I can't see myself ever any different.

I don't know if I can be helped by anyone...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes. The only thing that can stop you from "getting better" is giving up...

 

[zeborah]

Dear Needing Help, Don't give up, you will get better. Just keep striving and understand that those of us with menatal illness will always have to struggle. But we can lead healthy lives. We just have to perservere more which probably makes us more self-aware, more insightful in life and much more knowledgeable.