Possible confrontation with g/f father

[jjjbbb]

Hello all,
This is my first post on this forum. Here is my situation. I recently did a terrible thing to my g/f. We reached a low level in our relationship and I crossed the line and cheated on her. We have been in the process of exploring the idea of building the trust back again. Her father is very oppossed to this. The problem is this. Her father is gay, but he will not come out. He has been married for over 35 years, verbaly and physically abusing his wife and the boys for the entire time. He still verbally abuses the mother and my g/f. I know that he knows I know this. I never feel comfortable going to her P's house because of how much I do not respect the man. Now there is no excuse for what I have done either. But I am willing to admit that i was wrong and willing to work on making things right. This man is not like that at all. There is no conversation of his affairs with men and women and no conversation about his abuse. So me delema comes with the confrontation i will have with the man if my g/f and i chose to get back together. Should i take his verbal abuse? Should I not call him out on his own demons? Should I ask him why it is ok for him to cheat on his wife and beat his kids? This is a very reserved white color suburban family. The wife is nurse and father is a high up corporate american. Lastly, what should my g/f do....she has been fighting this for her entire life. Should she out him? THanks for listening.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think the sins of her father should be what's on your mind at this point. If your girlfriend decides to confront or to "out" her father, that's her choice, but it certainly isn't yours.

What would you gain by doing this? The issue between you and your girlfriend has nothing to do with what her father has or has not done... it has to do with what you have done. I think you should focus on that and leave the rest alone.

 

[jjjbbb]

Thank you for your reply. I know that I have lost some credibility because of what I have done. This situation however, has been a problem for us since the beginning. She hated him for 10 years because of this. She has now forgotten or chose to ignor because she felt it was ruling her life. She has never confronted him about it and she has extreme scars and emotional blocks because of it. I dont have respect for the man and I am angry for what he has done. How do I express this to my g/f and get her support? How do I face this guy and pretend like I dont know what he has done? I have done it for years, but now I am affraid there might be a confrontation. How do I handle this? How do I face him and let him attack me for what I have done, while he sits unaccountant for the things he has done. How do I have sunday dinner every sunday and listen to him verbally abuse his wife? I realize what I have done to my g/f is wrong. But I am being held accountable and if her heart chooses to forgive me, how do I deal with this person that I have no respect for? THanks again

 

[Aladdin]

If you two love eachother anought you will work it out.You cannot blaime her father for your cheating,win back her trust in you and suport her in every way that will be a good start.Let she decide over her dad and stand behind her.I wish you all the best.
remember she and her father are not the same person

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thank you for your reply. I know that I have lost some credibility because of what I have done. This situation however, has been a problem for us since the beginning.

I accept that but that still doesn't have anything to do with your choice to be unfaithful, does it?

She hated him for 10 years because of this. She has now forgotten or chose to ignor because she felt it was ruling her life. She has never confronted him about it and she has extreme scars and emotional blocks because of it.

It is still HER choice as to when or even IF to confront him. You cannot make choices for other people... only for yourself.

I dont have respect for the man and I am angry for what he has done. How do I express this to my g/f and get her support? How do I face this guy and pretend like I dont know what he has done? I have done it for years, but now I am affraid there might be a confrontation. How do I handle this? How do I face him and let him attack me for what I have done, while he sits unaccountant for the things he has done. How do I have sunday dinner every sunday and listen to him verbally abuse his wife?

I suppose if you really want to be with and support your g/f, you have two options: (1) stay away from her family and don't accompany her on visits home (and tell her that you don't believe you can cope with her father at this point in your life), or (2) go to the family dinners and sit and listen to whatever he has to say, perhaps suggesting firmly that whatever happened is between you and your g/f and not between you and him. What you do NOT do is confront him with a litany of his sins... it is not up to you to do that, especially not now.

I realize what I have done to my g/f is wrong. But I am being held accountable and if her heart chooses to forgive me, how do I deal with this person that I have no respect for? THanks again

The two have nothing to do with one another. Deal with the issues between you and your g/f. Leave the rest alone, at least for now. Otherwise, it will simply come across as trying to deflect responsibility -- "Maybe what I did was wrong but what he did was worse" -- which is what it would be.

Believe me. It won't help your case at all. It will just make it worse.

 

[jjjbbb]

Thank You