Long story short -
I have had a life long of abuse - you name it, physical, mental, sexual
I was molested by my brother for years at the age of 12 my mother allowed it -she had her own mental health problems, but she was not aware of them - I have read enough books to know that she had severe borderline personality disorder
I was physically and mentally abused by my mom every since I can remember proably started at the age of 6 as she did not want me, I was the accident.
At the age of 17 ran away to live in the big city and met up with a man who said he loved me, yeah so then why for the next 8 years did he abuse me in every sense of the word,
he allowed his friends to rape me to pay off his drug debts, when I tried to fight back I was beaten and then drugged so that I could not move - this went on for years, and for some reason never could get up the nerve to leave, in 1994 when I did leave him, he left me to die at the side of the road in -40 below weather. Someone found me lying in the ditch and called a ambulance. It was then at the age or 25 that in the hospital I was told that I was pregnant, so after screaming at them to get it out of me, a abortion was performed. I have so much trauma and triggers and nightmares from this whole ordeal called my life. I cared for both my elderly parents, until they passed away in 2009 and then everything seemed to hit me all at once. I had what you would call a breakdown, and went to see a doctor who turned out to be a savior for me. He put me on some coping meds and for the most part they are helping me. My psychologist who I cared for deeply because he helped me so much passed away from cancer in 2010. I have been trying to cope ever since then on my own.
Every day is a struggle to get up and put on a happy face and go to work, when under the facade you are hurting so bad emotionally and physically that all you want to do is stay in bed.
I started {self-injuring}. I am not sure as to why I am doing this, most times I dont even know that I am doing it. I just see the aftermath and think my god what have I done to myself. My medical doctor now wants me to see a psychiatrist and I am so scared, he must think I am more screwed up than I think that I am. I dont know why he wants me to see one. I thought the only difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is that the psychiatrist can prescribe meds - but my medical doc has already gave me meds,so why does he want me to see a psychiatrist.
I need some answers. Most days I am confused - I try to sleep at night and this is when the triggers and nightmares come back to haunt me, I used to wake up so many times during the night and was not able to get back to sleep, now i just take sleeping pills to knock me out cold to get some reprieve from my pain. This is something that even my medical doctor does not know of.
I am undertaking a online panic disorder program, it is 12 weeks, and I am into week 5. I have so much panic in me all the time, I am always on the verge of a panic attack, so I keep a large supply of ativan near by. They come in with no sign of any warning and within minutes I am ready to do the fight or flight response. I am on edge all the time, and full of so much tension, at least that is what I am learning in my panic program.
And to top it off I also suffer from chronic pain - from severe motor vehicle accidents, I have two fractures, one in my tailbone, the other in my neck shoulder area. I am on two oxycontin narcotic pills which sure help me with the pain, but for the most part I am in a fog and constant grogginess. I also have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis again take more oxycontin for that.
Some days it would be so much easier to just give up, but for some reason I keep plugging away at this journey called life, because in my heart someday somewhere somehow I know that one day I can be happy, and feel better, emotionally and physically. I guess I just want someone to reach out and say hey I care about you and that I matter here on this earth.
well just wanted to see if anyone had any comments for me
Dr. Baxter - I would really like to hear from you.
thank you
I have had a life long of abuse - you name it, physical, mental, sexual
I was molested by my brother for years at the age of 12 my mother allowed it -she had her own mental health problems, but she was not aware of them - I have read enough books to know that she had severe borderline personality disorder
I was physically and mentally abused by my mom every since I can remember proably started at the age of 6 as she did not want me, I was the accident.
At the age of 17 ran away to live in the big city and met up with a man who said he loved me, yeah so then why for the next 8 years did he abuse me in every sense of the word,
he allowed his friends to rape me to pay off his drug debts, when I tried to fight back I was beaten and then drugged so that I could not move - this went on for years, and for some reason never could get up the nerve to leave, in 1994 when I did leave him, he left me to die at the side of the road in -40 below weather. Someone found me lying in the ditch and called a ambulance. It was then at the age or 25 that in the hospital I was told that I was pregnant, so after screaming at them to get it out of me, a abortion was performed. I have so much trauma and triggers and nightmares from this whole ordeal called my life. I cared for both my elderly parents, until they passed away in 2009 and then everything seemed to hit me all at once. I had what you would call a breakdown, and went to see a doctor who turned out to be a savior for me. He put me on some coping meds and for the most part they are helping me. My psychologist who I cared for deeply because he helped me so much passed away from cancer in 2010. I have been trying to cope ever since then on my own.
Every day is a struggle to get up and put on a happy face and go to work, when under the facade you are hurting so bad emotionally and physically that all you want to do is stay in bed.
I started {self-injuring}. I am not sure as to why I am doing this, most times I dont even know that I am doing it. I just see the aftermath and think my god what have I done to myself. My medical doctor now wants me to see a psychiatrist and I am so scared, he must think I am more screwed up than I think that I am. I dont know why he wants me to see one. I thought the only difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is that the psychiatrist can prescribe meds - but my medical doc has already gave me meds,so why does he want me to see a psychiatrist.
I need some answers. Most days I am confused - I try to sleep at night and this is when the triggers and nightmares come back to haunt me, I used to wake up so many times during the night and was not able to get back to sleep, now i just take sleeping pills to knock me out cold to get some reprieve from my pain. This is something that even my medical doctor does not know of.
I am undertaking a online panic disorder program, it is 12 weeks, and I am into week 5. I have so much panic in me all the time, I am always on the verge of a panic attack, so I keep a large supply of ativan near by. They come in with no sign of any warning and within minutes I am ready to do the fight or flight response. I am on edge all the time, and full of so much tension, at least that is what I am learning in my panic program.
And to top it off I also suffer from chronic pain - from severe motor vehicle accidents, I have two fractures, one in my tailbone, the other in my neck shoulder area. I am on two oxycontin narcotic pills which sure help me with the pain, but for the most part I am in a fog and constant grogginess. I also have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis again take more oxycontin for that.
Some days it would be so much easier to just give up, but for some reason I keep plugging away at this journey called life, because in my heart someday somewhere somehow I know that one day I can be happy, and feel better, emotionally and physically. I guess I just want someone to reach out and say hey I care about you and that I matter here on this earth.
well just wanted to see if anyone had any comments for me
Dr. Baxter - I would really like to hear from you.
thank you