Punishment

[Ashley-Kate]

hello, well i never really spoke about this aspect of my abuse but i was really confused .. during my abuse i was burned and well as a self mutilator i find myself repeating the same gestures at the same spots as my abuser burned and the impact brings my calm at the same time i feel that i am continuing the punishment i deserved then but i don't understand.. why do i have to do it there? i have little holes all over my body and it is scary cause it is as if i don't want to let the abuse go.
yours truly ashley

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: my punishment

You definitely didn't deserve it and you don't deserve it now. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can relate to those feelings. There's a lot of pain there.

Are you able to talk to anyone about this? I really hope you can get all this out so it won't haunt you so much anymore.

 

[Holly]

Hi Ashley-Kate,
No one deserves abuse as Janet stated. It should not happen to anyone including yourself. The pain of being abused and abusing oneself in horrible. I remember the guilt I felt, then I thought after a while it was letting the person who hurt me control me even more. I did not want to let that happen. I hope this is helpful. Take care of you because your worth it!!

 

[Thelostchild]

Ahley-Kate

My dear. I don't think anyone has to go through what your going through. Im so sorry. I hope that you can go to someone about this. Or at least find someone that you can trust. im sorry i can't give you any advice but just to let you know that we are always here to talk to.

 

[Halo]

Hi Ashley-Kate

I too don't really have any answers for you but I can relate to the feelings you have described about feeling like you deserve it. I struggle with that feeling and line of thought as well. All I can suggest is to find a good therapist and try and work it out with them. I know that I am trying right now and it is really hard. I always have the feeling that I deserve bad things to happen to me and that I am unloveable 😭 It is hard because I really don't know how to change that way of thinking. Anyway, I am always here for you if you need to talk.

Take Care
Nancy

 

[Lana]

Hi Ashely-Kate;
If you were to think back to the time before you SI, what was happening around you and with you? What was the trigger?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

What triggers it is a lot of things mostly the feelings like whejn i am with many people when i am feeling happy enjoying myself when nothing seems to be going bad i feel the need to feel pain to feel bad cause i am not sure i deserve to feel happy
it is overwhelming i feel that i need to inflict pain on me cause i can't be happy.
yours trully
ashley

 

[Diana]

Well it sounds like you already have some allies when it comes to your eating disorder. Does anyone know about your self injury? Is there anyone who could watch out for you or who you could call and at least talk to when you feel you might si? The good thing is that you are quite aware of what triggers it.

 

[momof5]

Hi Ashley-Kate:
First, nobody deserves abuse

When I was young and was being abused, I thought that everyone knew what was happening to me, I always felt so dirty, and that nobody at school liked me because they knew what was happening to me.

They didn't I mean how could they? Yet, in our minds because the abuse is so drastic to use emotionally. And because we feel so brought down by it, we think that everyone dislikes us, and we ourselves create a wall around us. I'm not sure if you can understand what I mean by that or not.

When I was dating, I never felt comfortable around the guys that treated me good, I did not feel as though I deserved someone treating me nice. I mean the only thing I ever got from my dad was sexual, physical, verbal and mental abuse, Even after I graduated School, the verbal and mental continued.

So guys that would treat me good, I did not think that I deserved them and lost a good deal of great relationships because of it.

It took me a very very long time to realize that I am important in life, and that I have talents and can build a self esteem. I could not do that when I was younger, and I think had I been able to do so, my life would have taken a different course.

Just please remember this. We are all special important people in this world. We need to build ourselves up if we haven't yet got to that point. Look in the mirror every day, tell yourself how important in life you are to people around you, and even to people you have not met yet.

Learn how to take back control of your life.

Abusers have control issues, they take our lives and try to ruin them for us as much as possible. And you know what else? Abusers dont' have good feelings about themsevles which is why they abuse, they have a confused sense of life and people.

Just remeber always, you ARE special, you ARE important. You DESERVE to be happy You CAN succeed at things.

I'm not sure what else I can say other then the above. All abuse is hard to go through and leaves emotional, and physical scars that we have to learn how to deal with.

I hope you have someone that you can talk to, because it does help to talk to people that care about you. If you have someone around you that you can truly trust and is a good friend, talk to them.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i am just at the end of this emotionnaly it is detroying me i put my alarm clock every night at every hour i wake myself up to not have to go threw another night mare but well it worsrtenes the flash backs i am going crazy i relive the abuse as if it were happening at the momenth and then when my spychologist my old one would tell me that i was innocent in it all and that he was older and more aware and responsible i would get mad i went threw exposiur therpia and since i have been even more dpressed on that and having even more nightmares cause ever since the therapi i have not been fallowed at all..
i am just soo weekened by this all
yours trully
ashley

 

[Diana]

The reason it feels like it's destroying you now is because you're only at the beginning. Going through that kind of therapy is tough because you have to acknowledge what happened to you, but I think that's part of the process. Think about if someone is put into rehab to cure their addiction to a drug. The first while is terrible, but if they stick through it it can help them in the end. An addict is making his/her body work in a different way by not exposing it to the drug. You're making your mind work in a different way by talking about and acknowledging what happened to you, and I can imagine how difficult it is. But, I do believe that you can get through this and that things can be a whole lot better.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As before, you should not have been abandoned by therapy after it opened up those doors, Ashley. I'm afraid that the best thing you can be doing now is becoming your own advocate. Make noise, a lot of noise, until they realize how much pain you are in and how badly you need help. If you remain quiet to them, it's easy for them to assume you're okay, or at least managing.

Bug them. Call them every week, or every two or three days. Tell them you are most certainly NOT doing okay or managing. Let them know that you need help and that you want help.