Re-directing anger

[Rosa]

I tried reading some of the other posts but can't really go there right now mentally. My question is how do you direct anger where it belongs-towards the abusers as opposted to towards myself? I can think yeah, what they did was soooo wrong, but I can't get beyond hating myself for it at times. I'm am getting better in that I use to blame myself for now killing myself to prevent it from happening-that was very hard to get beyond, but all that anger and rage is still directed in so many ways towards myself. I know its not rational but its the way I FEEL. Just a summary, it appears my mother had sadistic personality disorder and who knows what else, but she got off on hurting me. I was given to men as far back as I can remember to make them happy, between 9-10 years old I was molested and really messed up by my 1/2 brother-my mother was involved. By 11 my mother left, by 12 the police removed me from my father for beating me up to much. I tried to kill myself to avoid testifiying against him-it didn't work but they couldn't make me talk. I ended up in receiving homes, and group homes. By 13 I was hanging out in the 'bad part of town' if you will sleeping around-I just wanted someone to know I was alive-if only for a few moments. On my 16th birthday I was raped by the only adult I thought was different and who I trusted. The Group home staff had a meeting which I wasn't even invited to and agreed I must of wanted it or I wouldn't have met him. I left after that and lived on the streets-doing what most kids do on the street to stay alive. Both my parents are dead-I feel nothing towards them. My mother died when I was 13 but when I got the call informing me of this it had about the same meaning as if some stranger had just died. My father died when I was 18, I got the call from the hospital and went there to watch him die. It's pretty sad to think the only person he could list as a contact is the kid he ended up in jail for beating up so much. You would think with all this I would be mad. I am mad-but all that anger is directed towards myself even when I now know this is not right. Is this normal? I don't get the impression from my doctor that it is but its the way I FEEL. How can I change it? I don't like feeling this way but don't know how to change it.
Thanks
Rosa

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Your doctor I believe is a psychiatrist, if I remember correctly?

It takes time to redirect those feelings. Children take responsibility almost instinctively for things that happen to them - good things or bad things. Unfortunately, those who abuse children take full advantage of that. And even as an adult, most survivors of childhood trauma and abuse still tend to react emotionally to their memories as if they were still those young children taking on the blame. Therapy can help you to redirect that blame not only intellectually (the easier part) but also eventually emotionally (the harder part).

 

[Rosa]

Thank you for your time (again). Yes, my doctor is a Psychiatrist. It's nice to hear I'm at least reacting the ways others do/have. I felt better just now when I read what you wrote that eventually the feelings part will change to. The thinking part of me has made alot of progress-its the feelings part thats the hard part. It's not like I was to be this raging person-It is that I would like this anger I feel towards myself to be directed where it belongs-if only long enough to let it go.
Be well
Rosa
gotta go watch the dog show

 

[Diana]

I would say that putting blame on yourself is a very usual reaction. Almost everything I've read about child abuse victims says that they direct the blame at themselves. I don't know why this is true, because it isn't their fault. However, I'm sure your phychiatrist knows this is a normal reaction and should be able to help you feel that it wasn't your fault. I understand what you mean by it's how you FEEL. Like David said, you can logically know something, but it's difficult to change your emotions. But, that's what therapy is for. It sounds like you're on the right track.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know why this is true, because it isn't their fault.

It's because at birth all children are egocentric -- i.e., the world beyond themselves does not exist except as an extension of themselves (the world revolves around them) -- and this only gradually changes as the child matures through adolescence and into the adult years.

Consequently, for young children, if something good happens to you it's because you are a good person. If something bad happens to you it's because you are a bad person. Either way, the young child sees himself/herself as responsible.

When the child experiences traumatic events like abuse, their emotional reactions to that abuse and to memories of the abuse tend to get locked into the age at which it/they occurred, even though the intellectual reactions may be quite adult. That's part of what has to occur in therapy: To help the individual emotionally to break out of the prison of the little girl or little boy who is being abused and is powerless to stop it, and to become the adult who is no longer powerless and no longer has to be a repeated victim to the memories.

 

[Rosa]

Its nice to know other people understand the difference between what I FEEL and what I think, The thinking part has improved quite a bit since working with my doctor: what they did was wrong, it wasn't my fault my father went to jail-he went to jail because child abuse is against the law, and so on.... but there is this huge difference between what I know and how I feel-it is nice to know that this is part of the process. Sometimes when I sit at the doctors I saw things like I know this or that, but I don't FEEL this or that....I know he understands but I was thinking maybe this is just somethiing thats really wrong with me. Anyhow, your information helps.
Take care
Rosa