Reaching a roadblock in therapy

[David Baxter PhD]

It sounds like he is trying to do what you want him to do. However:

1. You need to trust that he is the "expert" here. Your idea about the best way to accomplish your goals may be different from his. And as I said earlier, if he is to help you, he needs to be a guide, not a co-traveler or friend.

2. You need to be patient. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, to work through trauma. He may be trying to go more slowly than you think is optimal precisely because he is trying to limit the pain and distress your sessions may create for you.

3. I'm not sure that "changing the ending" is necessarily a viable goal. Sometimes, accepting and moving beyond "the ending" is more realistic (or is that what you meant?).

 

[ThatLady]

The statement about changing the ending bothered me, too, Pocono. You can't change the past. The past is what it is. However, what happened to you doesn't really have an ending until you create an ending for it. So, you're not trying to change an ending. You're trying to reach an ending and find peace there.

While I don't know the details of what happened to you, it sounds like it was pretty horrific. That's not easy to deal with, nor is it easy to treat. As David said, it takes a long time and a lot of hard work, both on your therapist's part and on your part.

You said, in one of your posts, that you'd like your therapist to reassure you that you are safe. As I see it, someone could tell me I'm safe fifty times, but it's going to be up to me to convince myself I'm safe. Someone else just can't do that for me. I'm going to have to reach into myself and find the courage to trust again, knowing it may be the most difficult thing I've ever done. Yet, it's the only way I could ever feel safe. Nobody else can give me that.

 

[pocono]

Let me try again....last message didn't post.

I think I can explain this some more without getting into too many details.

Here is how things have been for me. In my teenage years bad things happened. They left me feeling ashamed, frightened, unloved and unlovable....utterly alone. I would try to distract myself from these feelings by throwing myself into school, sports, and work. But sometimes the feeling would catch up to me. THrough my early twenties I suffered from what I call "annihilation attacks". I would feel as if I were disappearing. Like I could not tell where I started and the chair ended. I would panic needing somehow to connect, to attach, to be reassured. These horrible feelings would lead me to usually get drunk and then put myself in very vulnerable and harmful situations. As I got older, they happened less frequently, but never completely went away.

In my early twenties I went to see a therapist. I was married and had a baby now. I had no memories, at that time, of what had happend in my teens. I simply told this woman what I was doing -- the acting out -- and that I desperately wanted to stop. We talked a lot about my parents and our relationship and we talked a lot about the annihilation feeling itself --what triggered it, how it felt, how long it would last etc. During the 2 years I saw her, I felt like I gained some mastery over this awful behaviour.

That was 15 years ago. 2 1/2 years ago a series of events triggered the memories I've been hiding from all these years. The annihilation anxiety was back in full force. The first year with new therapist was very difficult. As I explained to him -- coming to therapy actually felt/feels like the acting out behaviour itself. Here I am desperately vulnerable, looking to have a life-time worth of hurts mended, needs met. I fall apart in front of this guy and I am scared! Scared that he will hurt me, think ill of me, secretely be disgusted by me. And more than that. I want him to reassure me, to take care of me, to love me.

I feel like I'm simply reenacting all over again my most destructive behaviours. I know I can't change the endings to the things that happened to me back then. I'm stuck with those. But I guess my hope is that if I can change the ending now -- with my therapist -- that will break the pattern...help me to feel like I'm no longer a slave to those feelings or those behaviours. That is why the thought of changing therapsits is so devasting....it will be another failure....another time when I made myself vulnerable in the hopes of getting some kind of love and respect and failed again.

I know he is not there to be a friend, but when I go through the memories with him and I leave feeling like he has just witnessed my pain, how I feel, but he won't offer simple words of comfort and compassion (yes, even though his demeanor is comforting and compassionate).....still....I end up hating myself all over again -- and him. Wondering why I keep trying to find that which must just not exist. The therapy is traumatic -- that is the ending I want to change without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Pacing, is, of course, always and issue. We negotiate it. I do try to be open to his advice and even his directions sometimes. In spite of the years of acting out (or maybe because of it), I have pretty good instincts about people. My therapist has proven trustworth at every juncture. We have had several terrible fights where I have reacted terribly to something he has said. Each time that happen, he works very hard to repair things and to help us both learn fromthe incident. The only thing I have really known during these whole 2 1/2 years is to try to stay close to him and tell him the truth (about everything). I'm counting on him to sort the rest out, because I am in over my head. That much I do know.

 

[ThatLady]

I think I see how you're feeling, Pocono, and what you might be seeking. However, I can also see the therapist's point of view. He must remain in "therapeutic mode". If he gives in to sympathy, he loses his effectivity. I think David will back me up on this.

Now, you feel you need some connection with someone who will not judge you, will care for you unconditionally, and will validate your feelings and the fact that you're important in this world. You can find that right here. All you have to do is be here and talk. We do care. While we may not have experienced exactly what you have experienced, or felt what you feel, we have all experienced our own hardships and traumatic experiences. These events have marked us, just as yours have marked you. Perhaps, we can offer you that which you need ... loving friendship. :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

it will be another failure....another time when I made myself vulnerable in the hopes of getting some kind of love and respect and failed again.

i do not believe you have failed in this regard, pocono, even if you were to switch therapists. the fact that your therapist has worked so hard with you in the past 2.5 years shows that you have received some kind of love and respect. he's working hard to help you and meet your needs, he's even getting a consultation to help guide him. he's doing what he can to help you. to me that shows he's cares and respects you. you just need to somehow recognize that.

my therapist and i talked about not feeling loved. if i believe that i cannot be loved, it does not matter how much everyone around me loves me. they can love me from here to eternity if they want - but if i'm not buying it.. well.. then nothing changes.. i will still feel unloved. i think maybe something similar may be happening here with you.

 

[ThatLady]

I agree with you, baseballcap. That's exactly how it sounds to me.

 

[Halo]

Pocono,

To me it really sounds like your therapist is trying everything to keep the professional distance that he needs to in order to help you. I know that it can be hard from the clients end of things but I truly felt alone and without any support except for my therapist until I found this forum. Like TL said earlier, perhaps the loving, caring, safe friendships that you need we can provide you with right here. I know that it is no substitute for therapy but for me personally this forum has helped me get through some awefully rough times. I have never had so much support of caring, warm and generous people who I truly believe care about me and how I am doing.

I think that the more you hang around here and get to know everyone the more that you will feel less alone with your thoughts and feelings (at least that is what happened for me and I hope for you).

Take care

 

[pocono]

People have been very kind to me this past week at this forum. I appreciate it. My next appointment is on Tues. He will have had consultation by then. The anxiety meds have been working, although I'm more depressed than I have been in a while. My therapist and Dr. Baxter have both made a point of saying 2 years isn't a long time (memories came back 2.5 yrs ago; only started therapy 2 yrs ago). Well I beg to differ. When you have a family you love and are responsible for, an interesting and challenging job, and you want to live, really live....2 years of trauma, depression, anxiety is a very long time. I get tired and discouraged. Nonetheless, the writing has helped me get through this week. So thanks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My therapist and Dr. Baxter have both made a point of saying 2 years isn't a long time (memories came back 2.5 yrs ago; only started therapy 2 yrs ago). Well I beg to differ. When you have a family you love and are responsible for, an interesting and challenging job, and you want to live, really live....2 years of trauma, depression, anxiety is a very long time.

Of course it is. But what I usually ask is how many years did it take you to get to the point where you needed to address these issues in therapy?

Therapy isn't like taking a pill and getting rid of a headache. It does take time. That doesn't mean I'm not aware that people are in pain or distress during that time - or insensitive to the fact that any of us wish we could get to the end of it all right now. It's just reality.

 

[Halo]

Pocono,

I am glad that you felt that this forum has helped you and like I said before, if you stick around I am sure that you will get the support and encouragement needed. Just a reminder that many of us have and are going through many of the same things that you are so there is a level of understanding that we have.

It is sort of the same thing when you talk about 2 years being a long time. For the person that is going through the anxiety, depression, the overwhelming feelings and thoughts, 2 years can seem like forever and it can be tiring and discouraging. I know for myself personally I have been in that situation where I have been tired and discouraged but then I am reminded that I have been using different coping methods for many years to cover up the feelings and the pain inside and I have gotten pretty good at keeping them covered. Recovering from trauma is not something that is done quickly and patience is needed in order to fully work through the trauma and truly live a happy and healthy life.

I know that it is hard to think that although it has already been 2 years that you have been in therapy and that you may have more to go, think of the end result and the happiness that you are going to achieve when you reach your goal.

Take Care

 

[Into The Light]

pocono, this forum has for me personally made a big difference as well, just like it has for nancy. we're here for you too. it's a good place to come to and i hope you'll continue to visit. you can find a lot of support here.

it's true, 2 years is a long time, but from the sounds of it you've had more than 2 years' worth of trauma in your life. it unfortunately will take time, and i understand you are frustrated, tired, and worried. however, the good news is, you can at least work through this, even if it does take a long time. you've got a very understanding therapist, he sounds very compassionate and caring. you've got someone who's on your side. people don't always find a match when they go into therapy, but you have. this is a good thing! i think you have something to be proud of, being able to be so open and trusting as you've described. i've had many moments where i wanted to open up more but couldn't. it takes a lot of courage and trust. you have done well for yourself. just keep at it, one day at a time, and you will get there. have faith in your therapist. :hug:

 

[pocono]

I'm not sure I've ever had an experience like I had today. My therapist had had his consultation.

He came back and did not suggest we stop meeting or I see someone else. He had several thoughts about how things had gone off track and things he might do differently and we might do differently to regain our footing.

He had clearly put a lot of thought into what I was saying and feeling....took it very seriously, and is trying to actually change his own approach some. I was literally moved to tears.

Now -- about 8 hours post session, I'm still feeling a little anxious and depressed, but also relieved and grateful. I try hard not to actually say the negative things aloud (I don't like to give them too much air), but it is hard for me to figure out how I merited this serious attention. It feels kind of scarry on top of good.

I'm glad not to feel so alone again.

 

[Into The Light]

pocono, you have a great therapist, i can't stress that enough. he cares a lot about helping you, that is obvious. you'll have this experience to fall back on should you ever have doubts about that again. i am very happy for you

 

[ThatLady]

That's wonderful news, pocono! You're very fortunate to have found such a caring therapist.

 

[Halo]

I am so happy for you Pocono and it really sounds like your therapist is caring and that is a wonderful thing to have.