Reaching out

[Cat Dancer]

It's been a rough day and I'm starting over. I really messed up today, but I'm trying not to let it get me too down. I don't know what happened. I was just so into myself that I couldn't reach out for help. If that makes any sense. I couldn't call my therapist, couldn't even post here, couldn't pm anyone for help. Just stuck or something.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I'm just trying to understand why I didn't reach out for help when I needed it most.

 

[ladylore]

Your reaching out now and that is the main thing. Besides, being a full time mom would keep you pretty darn busy.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I guess I am reaching out now. I am feeling shaky and unsure of things. I was going on six weeks of no cutting or burning, but today I cut myself. I don't know why I did it. I was really triggered by something I read and it just stuck inside my head that I had to do the same thing. I couldn't seem to protect myself from what I read.

 

[Halo]

Like Ladylore said, you are reaching out now and that is the main thing. Maybe you couldn't reach out earlier because you were in so much pain and distress that it was overwhelming.

Please don't beat yourself up for not reaching out or for having SI'd. It was one moment, one time and it doesn't take away any of the hard work that you have been doing and the six weeks that you have of not SI'ing. I am not trying to trivialize it but all it really means is that you were triggered, had some intense feelings, used an old method to deal with the feelings and now need to reach out for help from those supportive of you and move forward. One day lapse in judgment doesn't take away all of what you have accomplished.

I am glad that you are reaching out now as you know that we are here for you :friends:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[braveheart]

I know for me that sometimes when things're really rough, I kind of get 'frozen' inside, and when I need help the most, I am stuck inside like this invisible 'wall' ...

:hug:

How're things looking today?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks for asking.

It's weird. I feel like someone else hurt me. Or that it isn't me that was hurt. There's a "not real" quality to the whole thing. Like I couldn't possibly have done that to myself.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[braveheart]

It makes sense.

Also, someone else has hurt you, in your life, more than one person. So that can be externalised-internalised and cause a kind of distancing. Maybe at another level you find it hard to take in how much you have been hurt. It's like a protection. A kind of defence. But it's one that kind of hurts more, in some ways. Does that make sense?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Yes it makes sense. I thank that is true. It does hurt more in some ways than the hurt I've experienced from others. I hope I can learn to put the hurt into words instead of actions against myself.

 

[braveheart]

How about just letting those words come out here, just typing everything that's in your head? Any thoughts, images, feelings, memories...

 

[Cat Dancer]

thoughts: I don't understand why I do this to myself. I don't get it. I have so much to be thankful for and to live for.

images: Growing up. So much rage and pain. Parents fighting. Tv turned up loud. So much anxiety.

feelings: Anxiety, hurt, shame, guilt, fear.

memories: Broken glass on the floor. Punched hole in the wall. Spatters on me. Nowhere to hide really so I hide within myself. Don't they know how much they hurt me? Now everyone acts like it was all ok, but it wasn't.