ready

[katelynw]

So im finally ready to start getting rid of this stupid stuff... i have a therapy appt. next week and hopefully a hospital isnt out of the question... but i still cant control myself... the part that dominates my brain is the one telling me to go eat and puke... i hate it... i feel soo guilty.. if anyone has any tips please let me know! thanks!
katelyn

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ashley Kate has a thread or two elsewhere on this forum where she's talking about being just about one step ahead of where you are now, Katelyn.

 

[Eunoia]

hey Katelyn! well I guess I'm somewhat in the same boat as you.... well at least I totally understand where you're coming from; one one level wanting to be happy and get better, and then on the other wanting to hold on to that part of your life and pushing yourself even more. How to know which one to follow? I have no answers. but the fact that you made an appt. is a great 1st step to get back talking to someone. I think the thing I was talking about in my post was exactly what you're saying, that those thoughts stay with you no matter what (or so it seems for me at least). but you know, you just have to believe that some day even those will get better, and that they will start disappearing or decreasing in frequency. and that's where therapy comes into play. just be honest. that would be my only piece of advise, and then see where that gets you.

tips on not binging/purging or going back to therapy? as for the first obe I can only say do whatever you know has worked for you in the past ie. distracting yourself, removing yourself from the place/situation, letting out your anger/frustration/sadness in some other way.... healthier hopefully.... if you meant something else feel free to let me know. keep us posted!

 

[katelynw]

thanks eunoia. The advice you gave was really good...i know i have to keep myself busy .. but thats where the problem comes in. I cant. I try sooo hard.. i fight it soo much.. but in the end it doesnt work.. i wish i had friends to hang out with, or that my parents would stay home with me (cuz i dont do it then), but i dont. Ive driven all my friends away and my parents think that after 2 years i should already know how to do it on my own. I desperatley want to go to a hospital and stay for treatment, but we are thinking im 1) too heavy to even be admitted and 2) my family doesnt have the kind of money it would take to get me in. Its soo hard.. and im sooo frustrated with myself.. and i just wish i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore... thanks for the advice though.. and i do intend on being fully honest at my appt!
katelyn

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

Hey sweetie ,
I can only tell you that i've been there although it is never the same for every person i can relate to a lot of how you must feel up to the point that when my first appointmnt came along i canceled it before even going and had to do another one later on like a couple of months later .. seeing that you are really ready is inspiring becuase you have suffered so long and it is time t get ut of it.. as you know i am always here for you iam just an e-mail away. When you talk to the doctor don't keep anything from him tell him what you expect from them tell him how you are feeling and explain that you can't take it anymore they are not stupid if they see that you are ready they are goingt o do everything in there power to get you going on the right track witch if you believe hospitalisation is right for you then well that's what you need to do. Tell him that's what you want.. They are there to help you .. tell them about your control issues and that you no longuer have any ...let them know everything .!
i'm there 4 you don't forget my thoughts are with you
yours trully ashley

 

[Eunoia]

you know, congrats to you for "fighting it so hard". I'm serious. I mean if this isn't reason enough for you to be able to get the treatment you need, then I don't know what those insurance companies want. I know there's hurdles, ie. weight admittance and $. But you just have to believe that somehow you will be able to get the help that you need and are willing to take. Getting other people to help you w/ this is obviously the 1st step. I mean, hopsitalization may be the thing you want but they have to come up w/ something that will help you even if it can't be exactly that. Personally, I think weight does not determine how "severe" an ed is. I mean, yes I know if someone weighs way below their normal weight, ie. severly anorexic, that that can be life- threatening, but that by NO means says that someone who is at a near normal or normal weight and has an ed is any "better off". It's a stupid criteria. But it's not the only one, so I'm sure things will work out.

In terms of binging & purging, hang in there. I know it's hard. but if this helps at all, do try to get through those moments the best you can or know how. Sometimes physically removing yourself from your place may help, ie. studying at the library, a friend's house, or going for a walk etc. but don't be away all day so that when you come home you're starving for food, b/c that's an invitation to binge and purge. Or if you really feel like you have to b&p try to fill yourself up w/ "good food" like fruits, veggies etc., then by the time you're done the urge may have passed...and who cares if you ate 3 apples. it's not as tempting to purge.

It's hard when you feel like you have lost friends.... but some of them may still be there, just unsure of what to say/do, or maybe oblivious to losing touch b/c they're too involved in their own lives. I know it sucks, but remember that people may not see things the way we do (in fact I am quite sure they don't). so try calling an "old" friend up..... agree to meet up, that way you can get out, focus on something else, and maybe reconnect w/ someone.

I know this is all easier said than done. But I think some of it may help from personal experience.... you may feel frustrated and not want to have to deal w/ this anymore (which makes 100% sense) but at least once you get to talk to your therapist again you're not completely alone in this. that in itself will help some. good luck Katelyn! You're doing the right thing by asking for help.

 

[KiM]

You know darling, do whatever it takes, do what you feel ou have to do to get over this. and you will feel so so so much better that you got your life back, that food and binging and purging is that last thing that you think about.
this summer i returned home in order to fight the disease an i have come a long long way. i didnt want to see a therapist, so mum and dad agreed to give it a go at home adn i have to say that it relly worked. i gained 7 kgs, am feeling happier and looking a lot better, even tho noone could believe that i had gained so much! and all i got was positive feedback - from friends and family. try to go out there again and see friends, they really are another mode of support and positivity in times of recovery.
when it come to the binging and purging, that is harder to stop coz somehow you always find time alone, where noone is watching . and that does take will power and a lot of strong self esteem and empowerment. there were times when i ate too much, but i swore to mysef i wouldnt purge. and i didnt. and ok, the next day i ate less. maybe too little ... but after 3 months, that cycle slowly evolved into a normal eating habit, and altho i do still have days were i crave and maybe do eat too much, i take it right now and i will have to work at that to become completely free of what i inside of me. you need to remain strong, write a dariy or talk so someone, that really oes help. also make sure that you have people around you that crae about you and that help you, push you, give you positive feedback when youre making progress. cz that also gets to the root of things - not ffeeling happy, worthy, low selfesteem etc ... that also neeeds to get out of your system and the only way that that truly vanishes is for you to be respected, loved, admired and told beautiful thing by the people that you love and respect most.
those are just a few notes that came to mind, i know that it is easier said than done, but be strong ... xx