Rejected, Betrayed and Bullied

[justhere]

there arent too many reasons why i shouldnt kill myself. seems all of my life i have been hurt, rejected, betrayed, bullied and i have no friends, everyone goes, Im 43. i was just asking myself, are there even five reasons not to kill myself? aside from thinking of my family and their burden of guilt, i am stumped. I developed a really close friendship, confidante with a man in canada, we never met, and its been 3 years since we first spoke. i got frustrated and hurt as to why he hasnt come to me to meet me. i havent heard from him in 4 weeks, and he was a hope for me. i finally felt someone gets me, accepts, me, even values me. but of course, i am left alone once again. this seems to be my path and theres nothing i can do about it. i want a painless way to go to sleep.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: What To Do When Feeling Suicidal

I'm sorry you're going through this Justthere. I think, from personal experience, that we sometimes get bogged down with external triggers. So for instance, thinking that others are hurting us in some way or another. Having thought about suicide a few times myself, I've recently started wondering if the first step to feeling happier isn't just being happy within ourselves; not looking to external sources of happiness.

Can you dig a little deeper within yourself and remember what it is that you once enjoyed? For instance, I've spent a few days hiking. I used to love doing this. Due to personal circumstances, it had been a while since I'd been hiking. Going hiking recently has lifted my spirits a little and reassured me that I can get back to happy even if I'm sometimes disappointed by some life events.

 

[Retired]

Justhere,

I am sorry to hear about the disappointment you experienced recently. It must be very troubling, and this person's betrayal might seem like a reason for dying but despite how you might be feeling at this time, suicide is not the answer.

thinking of my family and their burden of guilt

This is not the legacy you would want to leave behind, and the love of your family should be your prime reason for living.

Have you ever started to harm (or kill) yourself but stopped before doing something?

Do you have a trusted friend or family member that you could call who could provide support at this time?

Do you have a therapist or family doctor you can call and talk to about your thoughts of suicide?

 

[ladylore]

Wanted to let you know that your not alone Justhere. It doesn't sound like you want to die but simply for the pain to go away. I get it as I have had personal experience with it. I am going to ask you the same question that Steve already has - Are you seeing a therapist right now.

If you aren't, it does sound like a good idea to seek one out.

It took courage to post about this and I am glad you did.

 

[justhere]

therapy wont help now and besides, my recent therapist was only available to me for one hour every third week! Thats hardly therapy if you ask me. I did the homework on my own, prompted by myself. What passions I have, I have not found an outlet for. I was agoraphobic for 20 years. My passions are rescue animals, sanctuaries, national state parks, etc. I honestly think that Life has given me the message time and time again: You dont fit in with people.

 

[ladylore]

There are other therapists out there.

therapy wont help now and besides

This is the depression talking. Therapy does help. If the first help doesn't work out, try again.

If you would like, we could probably give you some resources in your area that may help. What area do you live in.

Remember - suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is temporary and will change in time. I know it doesn't feel like though right now. But things do change.

We are here for you for support too. If you would like help for some referrals in your area just give us a shout.

:support:

 

[Daniel E.]

I honestly think that Life has given me the message time and time again: You dont fit in with people.

It may be less personal in some ways than you seem to believe. As you may agree, there's a worldwide epidemic of isolation, e.g. the hikikomori in Japan, that wasn't even possible for most of human history. So it's certainly possible to overcome the loneliness.

 

[justhere]

I do know that you are right re: it's the depression/sadness talking. Im sure many can relate to me when I say that "been there done that" and eventually one gets worn down from trying. Think of beaten down abused animals, etc. Eventually they are broken. But I thank you for reading me. I hate to be self indulgent. This is just something that I am thinking about very much. Methods. But that will probably pass. Does not matter unfortunately, even if I slip out of the suicidal thoughts, my life is still the same lonely existence. My life path, for whatever reason.

 

[Banned]

Hi justhere,

I just want to reach out and give you a supporting hand. I'm very much in the same place as you are, and I understand the pain and how overwhelming it feels, and how everything seems so bleak and hopeless, and that nobody can truly understand.

I don't have any magic words to take away your hurt. Hurt can run so deep, and leave such a jagged wound. You've definitely experienced alot of hurt.

I would encourage you to reach out in any way you can to those around you, just as you've done here. As a starting point, perhaps check with your doctor re some antidepressants. They can help lift the fog a bit, and give you some strength to keep moving forward.

 

[Retired]

I was agoraphobic for 20 years

How is the agoraphobia now? Are you able to get out of the house?

What things would lead you to feel more hopeful about the future

Can you arrange a call to the therapist you have been seeing to talk about your suicidal thoughts?

Please take note of this link to SuicideHotLines.com for a list of local crisis lines that can provide guidance to local resources.

 

[tallshyone]

Dear Justhere,
1st I would like to say thank you .Silly I know but its for several reasons.One for having the courage to talk to us about this.(This shows me that deep down you are not ready to give up.)2nd for saying that one of your passions is rescue animals.(I love animals) and lastly #3 (its a silly one lol ) using purple lol in your text. My fave color is blue and well I have found out how to make my text blue... or at least I hope so lol.
Next I have a question for you ..ok several. 1- where you live are you allowed pets?(if yes then what about a sweet kitten or puppy?..2-When you said "I was agoraphobic for 20 years." do you mean still or um for lack of better way to say it.. have you reached a place where you are not sucluded as much? ...
As for the pen pal in canada. Well maybe he too feels deep down all he worth is someone to talk to . I would love to see my best friend from high school but life and money eludes us both and well I will happily cherish any time I am able to talk to him. When the time is right then what is meant to happen will happen.

And lastly...I know feel free to say I ramble on and on and on lol.

I think you are a special and important person.
It takes someone special to see the beauty in national parks ,someone compassionate to feel for animals , and as for not fitting in with people.Who says we have to ... Some of the world best people didnt fit in . Einstein,Van Gogh,Confucius ,Jesus Christ ,Isaac Newton ,Tim Burton,Wes Craven, .... and the list goes on and on .

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Just there:

I want to let you know that today, you gained several wonderful and caring people. People who will stand beside you until you are able to stand on your own. I know a lot about feeling lonely, betrayed, and ready to chuck it all. I too have thought of and attempted suicide. I was a literal mess. I felt like the world had given out tickets to living your life and I had been passed over. Other people do not make us whole and content. We do. And, until you give yourself permission to try again, you're going to feel the way you do. You have to want to live. And, today, you chose life because you came to this website and cried out for help. And, we're here. You need to contact a suicide hotline. Then, you need to contact your doctor again. He/she needs to know that you're in crisis mode now. If you do not get any assistance, you go to a hospital or to a church and you don't leave until someone listens to you. Moreover, you contact your family. Sure, we don't pick our family members, but blood is thicker than water! You need help now, not later.

Today is not your best. However, tomorrow is another opportunity. I don't know where you live or what opportunities are in your community. As you begin to heal your mind, soul, and body, you will see possibilities again. Depression clouds our judgment and makes us vulnerable. Suicide ends all hope. I beg you to please contact someone today. As someone who has already tried to end it all on more than one occasion, I must say that 25 years later, I am glad that I chose life. If I had not, I never would have met my husband or be able to raise my child. I will leave you with a quote that has given me a reason to live: "You are greater than your moment of defeat."

We all care for you. Please keep us posted.

 

[tallshyone]

I hope today has become a great day for you
I was thinking of you .

 

[Rebel]

I do know that you are right re: it's the depression/sadness talking. Im sure many can relate to me when I say that "been there done that" and eventually one gets worn down from trying. Think of beaten down abused animals, etc. Eventually they are broken. But I thank you for reading me. I hate to be self indulgent. This is just something that I am thinking about very much. Methods. But that will probably pass. Does not matter unfortunately, even if I slip out of the suicidal thoughts, my life is still the same lonely existence. My life path, for whatever reason

I'm so sorry you feel this way. This topic just made me speak up. Usually I don't say a word, but this is how I feel even though I'm married. Just because you are with people doesn't mean you are not lonely. Nobody really gets me, or understands why I'm unhappy. I am the great pretender.

Not long ago I tried suicide, but couldn't do it; my husband does not even know. Sometimes just knowing you are not "the only one" may help. I hope so anyway. I'm glad I did not succeed, though. My family would have blamed themselves, and I know my little girl would never have gotten over it, ever.
Hang in there!

Love,
SF

 

[justhere]

thanks for the messages and its been a few days since I logged in. Do any of you think that retreating,,,,staying inside,,,,is a habit that can be changed by ourselves? That holding onto rejection and hurts is a habit that we dont have to continue? This dawned on me this morning....curious if any of you have overcome this sort of thing?

---------- Post added at 11:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:21 AM ----------

I have a cat! thank goodness because i love animals. thanks for reaching out, and others of you too. what a great site i happened upon by chance here. I hold onto my hurts , rejections and such from the past, even recent past, but do I have to? i am honestly thinking I dont have to, its not that i condone what some did or said, but that i deserve to wake up and not feel burdened down by hurt feelings. notsure if this makes sense to anyone other than myself!
A quick funny story that just happened: On facebook I searched and found a friend from my past, ten years ago, who told me over dinner one night," I cant be friends with you any more. this dinner is my way to say goodbye." Anyway, I sent her a quick private email at facebook just simply saying hello. This took courage on my part,,,what she did to me hurt big time! and i was floored too,,who does that? Anyway, she wrote back.."I dont remember you..can you fill me in on how I know you?" I laughed out loud with this Meanwhile she has been on my mind because of how she hurt me, right, and she doesnt remember me! Ironic...and eye opening.
we hold on to needless things, right?

---------- Post added at 11:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:27 AM ----------

youre so right....a great pretender...that is hard too on ourselves , protecting our families...it zaps our mental energy too,,when we are already tapped out. thank you so much for reaching out. i hate suicide, i know logically its not the right thing to do, but sometimes we get overwhelmed. many of us. not even necessarily the ones that would be picked out on a lineup right. sometimes i wonder,,,,re: our public faces, especially at workplaces, etc,,,at what cost do we have to put up a facade? meanwhile our inner selves are crumbling and crying within? that is what wore me down. Im glad that you are strong to get beyond those awful thoughts and feelings of despair

 

[tallshyone]

I used to hold on to everything and there are times I still do,but for me its sorta of like food I try things more than once because the next wasy cooked might be the way I do like it. So for me when it comes to people I think well I can put the thought out to the other person but I cant force them to take it ,I try to be pleasant to all.
I to had a Friend who told me he could no longer be my friend ..never saying why ... and I found out last year it was because his girlfriend didn't like me and to keep her(love makes you an idiot lol) he parted ways with me.Sad part is he is now in a crappy marriage and I saw him at walmart and he said hi. began telling me all about his crappy life, I just stood there then said sorry sounds like that sucks for you but I gotta go LOL . I think people hate to see other people happy sometimes and well be happy live life for yourself and who cares what others say ,live,laugh,love and be selfish its your happiness that if worth more than anything and there loss for losing you at all.:2thumbs:

 

[ladylore]

I also held on to every hurt - couldn't seem to let anything go. Even after I went into therapy. That is when I tried medication. The first one didn't work well but the second one did. It was a very mild dose. So in combination with therapy something adjusted in my brain and I no longer held on to those things like I use to.

Things can still be a challenge at times but not like they were. My whole outlook on life has changed - for the better.

In short, it isn't you. Have you ever talked to your doctor about medication? It may be worth a conversation.

 

[justhere]

...by the way regarding my medication: that is ok I think, its been close to 2 years same dosage and drug combo zoloft/lamictal <---ptsd/agoraphobia/depression i definitely feel a vast improvement when I do exercise, take long walks, and dont eat sugar.


Robyn, and others: What I take from all of your insights is this: Its like being a recovering addict/alcoholic....ITs day by day, its never over in essence. We have to fight our self talks, doubts, depressive thoughts. It's an inward challenge we face. Though I no longer suffer from panic attacks, I have other manifestations of anxiety! Isnt that something? I always fantasized once I no longer have panic attacks, my life will be "perfect."
Lots of us around, eh? I trust people who have been to their rock bottoms and came out of that darkness, i feel people like us have a better understanding and compassion for others and the world. Maybe we know ourselves better and have a deeper sense of Self and even more capable in ways.
At the store, I ran into, literally, an ex-quasi-boyfriend from several years ago, he was very drunk today and virtually slobbered on me. Very scary and repugnant. I thought to myself: Thank God Im single and dont have to tolerate that crap! Id rather be alone and lonely than deal with that. I told him he made me uncomfortable and i hightailed it outta there!
I LOLed at the post written by Tallshyone [not sure of spelling] because of the Walmart chance meeting and his response--inward---like,,,,Im doing better than you pal...take care lol>---Sad part is he is now in a crappy marriage and I saw him at walmart and he said hi. began telling me all about his crappy life, I just stood there then said sorry sounds like that sucks for you but I gotta go LOL:rofl:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Robyn, and others: What I take from all of your insights is this: Its like being a recovering addict/alcoholic....ITs day by day, its never over in essence. We have to fight our self talks, doubts, depressive thoughts. It's an inward challenge we face.

Yes. It's about learning how to manage and control your symptoms, moods, and negative cognitions. It's not about "cure".

 

[tallshyone]

Well I am definatly happy I made you laugh, because I love too laugh. So here is something funny for all to hear .
Today I went to a water park with friends. 1st for my entire life I have been a very modest and self concious of my body so swim trunks was not my idea of cover . So I got a tank top as well and said woohoo lets go and ran with out abandon ( it was very freeing since I am not a very skinny guy and stuff but I can say there were a few people who needed more clothes .... anyway I had a blast on all the water rides and thankfully didnt drown LLOLLLLL

What did I learn today ?
1-even applying sunscreen every hour is not enough I resemble a lobster
2- I am no longer 10 years old and now I feel about 150 years old(walking is painful as well as any movement)

and # 3 which is the most important for all of us who never seem to feel happy or free(that basically everyone thinks we are crap) is:---
that no one looks cute after going on a ride that gives a major wegdie:lol: and no one can be graceful trying not to drown.

So I say to all .... take a few minutes of your life to recapture your youth.LAUGH ,do something stupid and silly with out care of what the world thinks(prob not say at work etc but you get idea)
because I can say I felt so free today as if I was the only person there cause I didnt care what anyone thought for once.

OK goodnight all as I hobble and crawl to bed ... burnt,crippled ,but with a silly grin on face LOL:2thumbs: