relapse

[Ashley-Kate]

Well today was afarely good day i sent most of the day in therapie i had a very serious migrain as if i was like in withdrawal if that exist i need to make myself sick .. i felt bad really bad and the only way to rid myself of that inner pain i had to make mysel sick. Now i am upset with myself discourrage at the fact that i am unable to be alone without making myself sick at all i hate it but can,t stop it i want to get better to be free but i seem to have more and more relapses unabale to deal with my emotions in different ways other than making myself through up .
I don't know where to go rom here any pointers i see a psychologist on monday most likely but till then i am alone wuite often..
ashley

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well today was afarely good day i sent most of the day in therapie i had a very serious migrain as if i was like in withdrawal if that exist i need to make myself sick .. i felt bad really bad and the only way to rid myself of that inner pain i had to make mysel sick. Now i am upset with myself discourrage at the fact that i am unable to be alone without making myself sick at all i hate it but can,t stop it i want to get better to be free but i seem to have more and more relapses unabale to deal with my emotions in different ways other than making myself through up .
I don't know where to go rom here any pointers i see a psychologist on monday most likely but till then i am alone wuite often..
ashley

 

[Diana]

Maybe the fact that you feel discouraged is a good thing. You know that you don't want to harm yourself. But, don't feel too discouraged - to the point where you feel you just can't achieve your goals anymore. Look how far you've come! I know, you probably hear that from other people, but it's really true. Is there something you can do this weekend to keep you busy? Are there some good people you can surround yourself with? Are you staying in the treatment center? If not, maybe go to the mall or some other public place. Go window shopping. If your migranes get too bad then allow yourself to go to bed at some rediculous hour in the afternoon. Remember, I don't think your migranes are telling you that you need to throw up, they're just telling you that you're under a lot of physical and mental stress, which comes with battling the ed. Throwing up will cause more stress and continue the cycle. Good luck this weekend, and don't be too down on yourself. You're doing great, even when it doesn't feel like it.

 

[Diana]

Maybe the fact that you feel discouraged is a good thing. You know that you don't want to harm yourself. But, don't feel too discouraged - to the point where you feel you just can't achieve your goals anymore. Look how far you've come! I know, you probably hear that from other people, but it's really true. Is there something you can do this weekend to keep you busy? Are there some good people you can surround yourself with? Are you staying in the treatment center? If not, maybe go to the mall or some other public place. Go window shopping. If your migranes get too bad then allow yourself to go to bed at some rediculous hour in the afternoon. Remember, I don't think your migranes are telling you that you need to throw up, they're just telling you that you're under a lot of physical and mental stress, which comes with battling the ed. Throwing up will cause more stress and continue the cycle. Good luck this weekend, and don't be too down on yourself. You're doing great, even when it doesn't feel like it.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks

thanks a lot Diana ,
well this week end well unfortunatly i started this week-end off pretty bad but well if i compare to before purging 7 to 9 times a day i am not that bad i did it like 8 times in two days not too bad but worst then the last two weeks were i have been oing it only 2 a week.. no i am not in the treatment center the week-ends only thee week ... Iii feel as if i am addicted to making myself sick and when i stop for a long time it's as if i can't wit to be alone to start over cause well i need it in a way but i hate it at the same time ... I don't know how they expect to help me at the hospital sure they now know my past i spoke to them just yesterday and after 2 hours i finally came threw to them and told them all i felt attacted so i bursted and then they left me to go home for the week end to have told them my past the one i try so hard to forget and now this week-end the only thing i seem to think about is that and it's killing me inside .. Physicly i fel ill and emotionnaly i am torn.. sure they will see me on monday but i don't know how i am going to feel then it just seems to be getting worst .. I am terrified. I don't like this gettng better feeling at all leaving the anoreia ad bulimia seems to hurt more than to live with it sure they all say there is a happy ever after but it seems to far to continue ..
yours trully ashley

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks

thanks a lot Diana ,
well this week end well unfortunatly i started this week-end off pretty bad but well if i compare to before purging 7 to 9 times a day i am not that bad i did it like 8 times in two days not too bad but worst then the last two weeks were i have been oing it only 2 a week.. no i am not in the treatment center the week-ends only thee week ... Iii feel as if i am addicted to making myself sick and when i stop for a long time it's as if i can't wit to be alone to start over cause well i need it in a way but i hate it at the same time ... I don't know how they expect to help me at the hospital sure they now know my past i spoke to them just yesterday and after 2 hours i finally came threw to them and told them all i felt attacted so i bursted and then they left me to go home for the week end to have told them my past the one i try so hard to forget and now this week-end the only thing i seem to think about is that and it's killing me inside .. Physicly i fel ill and emotionnaly i am torn.. sure they will see me on monday but i don't know how i am going to feel then it just seems to be getting worst .. I am terrified. I don't like this gettng better feeling at all leaving the anoreia ad bulimia seems to hurt more than to live with it sure they all say there is a happy ever after but it seems to far to continue ..
yours trully ashley

 

[Diana]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Withdrawal is tough, but I believe it's usually the hardest at the beginning - with anything (drugs, alcohol, smoking, ed). That's because your body still thinks it needs something. But, once you go through the horrible phase of stopping the addictive behaviour, your body starts to balance itself out and become more "normal". When I say "body", I don't necessarily mean only the physical part of you, but the emotional and mental part too.
I still get yucky feelings when I feel too full, but just the fact that I allow myself to get really full sometimes is a step up and you can get to this stage too. The fact that you bursted at the therapists is OK - you're getting your emotions out and allowing them to see how you feel. You are purging less and that's good. I think that in recovery everyone hits numerous "plateaus" where they stop progressing for a while. You just have to be patient with yourself until you can push yourself beyond the plateau and keep progressing. Your therapists should be able to help you with that and give you suggestions on how to do it and go beyond your fears.
I hope you feel better next week. I can see your determination to get well even through a computer screen. Don't give up.

 

[Diana]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Withdrawal is tough, but I believe it's usually the hardest at the beginning - with anything (drugs, alcohol, smoking, ed). That's because your body still thinks it needs something. But, once you go through the horrible phase of stopping the addictive behaviour, your body starts to balance itself out and become more "normal". When I say "body", I don't necessarily mean only the physical part of you, but the emotional and mental part too.
I still get yucky feelings when I feel too full, but just the fact that I allow myself to get really full sometimes is a step up and you can get to this stage too. The fact that you bursted at the therapists is OK - you're getting your emotions out and allowing them to see how you feel. You are purging less and that's good. I think that in recovery everyone hits numerous "plateaus" where they stop progressing for a while. You just have to be patient with yourself until you can push yourself beyond the plateau and keep progressing. Your therapists should be able to help you with that and give you suggestions on how to do it and go beyond your fears.
I hope you feel better next week. I can see your determination to get well even through a computer screen. Don't give up.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I guess recovery is not at all what it was cracked up to be in my head the way everyone was describing it was well you will be much happier if you eat normally and you get threw this the ­"this" was not supposed to be that hard to get threw or at least that's how everyone made it seem. I am really tiered of this i don't sleep at all at night like really i take coffe strong coffe to not fall asleep to not have to shut my eyes i don't like to shut my eyes cause that's when you have to think think about your feelings and remember all the pain.. Talking to the therapist only made me worst before i was able to sleep at least 2 hours every night i would allow myself that but now i can't cause even when i am not sleeping i think o the pain the pain that made me result to an eating disorder.. I was tol that i need to deal with it to eventually be freed but deeling with it sems so much harder than living the rest of my life as anorexic or as a bulimic qitch to me is worst then anything.. that's the reason why i am not too sure what i want is to get better cuz the effort i would have to do just seems impossible..
yours trully ashley-kate

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I guess recovery is not at all what it was cracked up to be in my head the way everyone was describing it was well you will be much happier if you eat normally and you get threw this the ­"this" was not supposed to be that hard to get threw or at least that's how everyone made it seem. I am really tiered of this i don't sleep at all at night like really i take coffe strong coffe to not fall asleep to not have to shut my eyes i don't like to shut my eyes cause that's when you have to think think about your feelings and remember all the pain.. Talking to the therapist only made me worst before i was able to sleep at least 2 hours every night i would allow myself that but now i can't cause even when i am not sleeping i think o the pain the pain that made me result to an eating disorder.. I was tol that i need to deal with it to eventually be freed but deeling with it sems so much harder than living the rest of my life as anorexic or as a bulimic qitch to me is worst then anything.. that's the reason why i am not too sure what i want is to get better cuz the effort i would have to do just seems impossible..
yours trully ashley-kate

 

[Diana]

Oh, Ashley, I'm not saying that it's easy. Trust me, I'm not trying to downplay your situation. It sounds like you have a lot of pain and a lot of problems. I know that I can't understand all of your problems, but I know someone who went through a lot of pain and abuse as a child. She's had some trouble, but she's a good wife and mother and works a successful job and has had a lot of joy despite what happened to her. Believe me, it will be easier for you to live without the ed than with it. You're just going through the most difficult stage right now. I'm sorry about you not being able to sleep. I'm sorry about your headaches. But, why are you trying so hard? Because you're a stong person. Keep going to therapy. Keep posting here. Keep doing whatever it is you need to do to get through this. I want so much to see you get better. I know that it's possible. That's all I can say for now. I'm sorry that I can't give you more advice or suggestions, but I think that you know exactly what you need to do. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Diana]

Oh, Ashley, I'm not saying that it's easy. Trust me, I'm not trying to downplay your situation. It sounds like you have a lot of pain and a lot of problems. I know that I can't understand all of your problems, but I know someone who went through a lot of pain and abuse as a child. She's had some trouble, but she's a good wife and mother and works a successful job and has had a lot of joy despite what happened to her. Believe me, it will be easier for you to live without the ed than with it. You're just going through the most difficult stage right now. I'm sorry about you not being able to sleep. I'm sorry about your headaches. But, why are you trying so hard? Because you're a stong person. Keep going to therapy. Keep posting here. Keep doing whatever it is you need to do to get through this. I want so much to see you get better. I know that it's possible. That's all I can say for now. I'm sorry that I can't give you more advice or suggestions, but I think that you know exactly what you need to do. My heart goes out to you.

 

[KiM]

Ashley ... i really feel for you . you seem to have gone through a lot in the past and getting through this is obviously not easy for yiou. you have to really want this. you have to stay strong. if this therapy is helping, grea. i relly hope that it is.. and if it is not, then go somwhere else, you really need o get over this. adn you know, love nad support from friends and family is irreplacable. its what got me through this this summer ... all i got was positive feedback and it made me feel so so good. an yes, i looked in the mirror an thought yuks some days. and other days, i thought well.. youre still thin!! i really am. so i wonder what i looked like 6 kilos less.. it must have been horrific. and all thes thoughts are only in me coz of what people close to me have said. i dont know how thin you reall yare, but besides that, you oew it to yourself, u only have 1 life, 1 chance at being happy and enjoying everything that this world gives you, so take it!!! ok, eat healthy, i do to.. i still dont wat sugar, i try to avoid fried foods .. and maybe thats still a disorder of some kind. but then in this crazy workd of celebrity and good bodies, who does not watch what they eat. but darling, theres a differnce between eing obsessed and what you need to find is this healthy balance. you need to replace te binging adn purging in your life to feel happy with something else. really. i found that out too... i was too bored, to unhappy ad once i was more settled and relaxd, i didnt feel that nneed anymore. to purge. look inside yourself adn try to find wat you are passionate about and focuson that....
hope im not blabbing an that some of this will help ...
xx

 

[KiM]

Ashley ... i really feel for you . you seem to have gone through a lot in the past and getting through this is obviously not easy for yiou. you have to really want this. you have to stay strong. if this therapy is helping, grea. i relly hope that it is.. and if it is not, then go somwhere else, you really need o get over this. adn you know, love nad support from friends and family is irreplacable. its what got me through this this summer ... all i got was positive feedback and it made me feel so so good. an yes, i looked in the mirror an thought yuks some days. and other days, i thought well.. youre still thin!! i really am. so i wonder what i looked like 6 kilos less.. it must have been horrific. and all thes thoughts are only in me coz of what people close to me have said. i dont know how thin you reall yare, but besides that, you oew it to yourself, u only have 1 life, 1 chance at being happy and enjoying everything that this world gives you, so take it!!! ok, eat healthy, i do to.. i still dont wat sugar, i try to avoid fried foods .. and maybe thats still a disorder of some kind. but then in this crazy workd of celebrity and good bodies, who does not watch what they eat. but darling, theres a differnce between eing obsessed and what you need to find is this healthy balance. you need to replace te binging adn purging in your life to feel happy with something else. really. i found that out too... i was too bored, to unhappy ad once i was more settled and relaxd, i didnt feel that nneed anymore. to purge. look inside yourself adn try to find wat you are passionate about and focuson that....
hope im not blabbing an that some of this will help ...
xx