Relationship issues

[prayerbear]

Administor David,

I am always chewing on this thought in my mind, "Why do women attract men like their father?" Besides being, that all they know...

Heres the deal...my father was very insecure and controlling, abusive, etc., and I keep attracting mamas boys that too, are insecure, controlling, abusive, etc. What gives? I gave up on finding Mr. Right!

I know this dynamic works in reverse, too. Men can attract controlling women (if their mom is that way!)

Is there something on me that says, "Control me!" why I attract men like this?

Opinions open!

 

[prayerbear]

Administor David,

I am always chewing on this thought in my mind, "Why do women attract men like their father?" Besides being, that all they know...

Heres the deal...my father was very insecure and controlling, abusive, etc., and I keep attracting mamas boys that too, are insecure, controlling, abusive, etc. What gives? I gave up on finding Mr. Right!

I know this dynamic works in reverse, too. Men can attract controlling women (if their mom is that way!)

Is there something on me that says, "Control me!" why I attract men like this?

Opinions open!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Harville Hendrix, author of Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couple, claims that people look for partners who possess the negative qualities of their parents.

I don't believe that. I think he's wrong. And moreover I think there are one or two glaring flaws in the logic that leads him to that conclusion.

I do agree that some people end up with partners that possess characteristics they dislike and/or which are "bad" for them, but I think that's in spite of their attempts to avoid the negative characteristics they saw in their parents, not because they seek those characteristics. I think the beginning of a new relationship can be a dangerous time when, wanting a relationship and wanting this to be THE relationship, we all have a tendency to inbent a relationship which doesn't actually exist and a partner who isn't actually the person standing in front of us.

I also think that nurturing people attract people who are needy, distant or detached people attract people who fear dependency, etc., etc. Obviously, these may not be the type of person you are looking for but it's like a magnet to the people you are not looking for.... so there may well be characteristics in you that attract people who do not interest you...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Harville Hendrix, author of Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couple, claims that people look for partners who possess the negative qualities of their parents.

I don't believe that. I think he's wrong. And moreover I think there are one or two glaring flaws in the logic that leads him to that conclusion.

I do agree that some people end up with partners that possess characteristics they dislike and/or which are "bad" for them, but I think that's in spite of their attempts to avoid the negative characteristics they saw in their parents, not because they seek those characteristics. I think the beginning of a new relationship can be a dangerous time when, wanting a relationship and wanting this to be THE relationship, we all have a tendency to inbent a relationship which doesn't actually exist and a partner who isn't actually the person standing in front of us.

I also think that nurturing people attract people who are needy, distant or detached people attract people who fear dependency, etc., etc. Obviously, these may not be the type of person you are looking for but it's like a magnet to the people you are not looking for.... so there may well be characteristics in you that attract people who do not interest you...