Relationship

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you're making a big deal of it. And I agree... I think if he had told you, you would have taken note of that fact and remembered it. The thing is, if he can withhold that information, what else has he withheld?

Not to mention the niggling fact that he certainly knew he was married and, knowing that, he pressured you to become engaged -- what's that all about?

 

[db2kp]

The engagement ring confuses me. He almost bought one last month. Took me to see it and try it on. My thinking is that in his mind every woman wants to get married and an engagement ring would make things all better.

Yesterday, I asked that he pull his marriage license and the video that was taken that day so that I can look it over. Also, that I need as much information about this "paper signing" as possible.
We also talked about how badly this hurt me, and that he is the only one that can fix it. He said that the only way that this can be handled right now, is to not see each other until he can afford a divorce. He said it before I had to.
We'll see what happens from here...

 

[cm]

Dear db2kp,

As I was reading through your posts I kept getting more and more tense and felt angry that this man has been ab-using you. PLEASE, don't allow this guy to use you anymore. Dump him and focus on yourself for a while. I think you need time to discover who you truly are without any partner in the mix right now. Take care of yourself.

 

[ThatLady]

You, and you alone, will decide what happens from here, db. It's up to you. This man has deceived you more than once. He's deceived the woman he's married to at the moment. He's lied, he's cheated, and he's stolen your trust. You need to take some time to really think about whether or not this is the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. You deserve the best you can give yourself, hon.

 

[db2kp]

Well, nothing new has happened.

He just goes on like there's nothing wrong.

I still have no concrete answers. Personally, I need to hash it out, and keep bringing it up until the whole thing is resolved. He doesn't want that, partly because he's in the wrong, and because he doesn't want to get into it again and again.

Trust me, I WANT to be alone to think about things and figure out where I need to be in my life. But, every time I turn around, he's there, either at my house, or on the phone.

The wife: Well, she's never home, always at work or working out.
She knows that he's seeing someone. And, there are times that I'm at one of the neighbors for a party and she's out jogging, and since I assume she knows my car by now, she knows that I'm there with him.
She has come home early from business trip and I was in the house. I had left my purse in the dining room, earlier that evening, and she took the opportunity to look through it. I left during the middle of the night, so that we didn't run into each other.
At the house, she has her room and uses another one for all of her clothes, and to iron and sew. He has his master bedroom with bath and a walk in closet. He never has to leave his room when he comes home, since he has a tv in it and his computer. Normally, he will eat at my house every night so he hardly uses the kitchen.
They run into each other on the weekends.
He stays at my house so late during the week that she is usually in bed by the time he gets home.

This has to end. It's draining.

 

[db2kp]

Still here....

Just a quick update.

J and I are still together.
He has been setting up to refinance the house and has won a lawsuit, so he can afford the house by himself. Then he will have her move out.
Until then, I have to "deal with it".

We went to a party on his street about a month ago. I drove to the house and he asked that I just go in and wait for him, because "she" was out jogging towards the party.
Well when I got there and walked up the driveway with his neighbors, they said to me, "if we stand around out front for a while you'll see "Mary" jogging past". They tried to make it sound "amusing". Most of the neighbors saw her running down the street, and they all remarked to me, "we were wondering how this was going to work, because we knew YOU were coming to the party". Then J showed up after she was out of site. He thinks that she probably saw the invite or talked with one of the neighbors, and decided to rattle things a bit.
Great, huh?
It's depressing sometimes.
And it's no one's fault by my own.

d

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well. I hope it works out for you, db2kp. I won't say that I'm very optimistic, but I hope you come out the other end of this process with more happiness and wisdom than paind.

 

[db2kp]

J and I have drifted apart quite a bit. He still comes around and we own a boat together so that means that we will be seeing each other until it's sold. (we share hefty payments together)

My dad just passed away last weekend, and J was there at the nursing home on the final three days. Dad had a rough time those last three days and it was heartbreaking to have to watch him struggle. It's a blessing that he went to be with my mom now, in heaven. J got to know my dad very well over the last 3yrs.

After his death, I came home and J followed me. He didn't comfort me. He layed down on the couch while I made calls to family members and drifted in and out of sleep.
He said that it was also mentally draining for him too, and that I should understand how he felt.

While I watched him, I felt more alone than I felt if he wouldn't have been there.

At one point, when I asked, he told me that I could lay down next to him on the couch. I did, and he put his arm around me. I had a terrible headache and got up and got myself some aspirin. So, basically, if I needed anything, I got it myself.
After a while I told him to just go home. He made me feel worse than I felt alone. And, he did as I said, he left right after my daughter came home from work. (if it was me, I would have stayed no matter what...but, that's me)

He was there at the funeral home and at the funeral with me.

After the funeral, he's been keeping busy and is never around. He's far behind in all the things that he has put off. So, I've been alone.

I can't even discuss anything with him. It's been a month since I stopped telling him that I love him and he has not told me either. I figured that he told me when I said it to him anyway. And, I don't call him anymore, but he calls me.

It's just a matter of time. But, it's just been extremely difficult.

Question: Should I go to the doctor and be put on meds for depression? Will that help?
Should I see a local psychologist?

D

 

[db2kp]

J and I have drifted apart quite a bit. He still comes around and we own a boat together so that means that we will be seeing each other until it's sold. (we share hefty payments together)

My dad just passed away last weekend, and J was there at the nursing home on the final three days. Dad had a rough time those last three days and it was heartbreaking to have to watch him struggle. It's a blessing that he went to be with my mom now, in heaven. J got to know my dad very well over the last 3yrs.

After his death, I came home and J followed me. He didn't comfort me. He layed down on the couch while I made calls to family members and drifted in and out of sleep.
He said that it was also mentally draining for him too, and that I should understand how he felt.

While I watched him, I felt more alone than I felt if he wouldn't have been there.

At one point, when I asked, he told me that I could lay down next to him on the couch. I did, and he put his arm around me. I had a terrible headache and got up and got myself some aspirin. So, basically, if I needed anything, I got it myself.
After a while I told him to just go home. He made me feel worse than I felt alone. And, he did as I said, he left right after my daughter came home from work. (if it was me, I would have stayed no matter what...but, that's me)

He was there at the funeral home and at the funeral with me.

After the funeral, he's been keeping busy and is never around. He's far behind in all the things that he has put off. So, I've been alone.

I can't even discuss anything with him. It's been a month since I stopped telling him that I love him and he has not told me either. I figured that he told me when I said it to him anyway. And, I don't call him anymore, but he calls me.

It's just a matter of time. But, it's just been extremely difficult.

Question: Should I go to the doctor and be put on meds for depression? Will that help?
Should I see a local psychologist?

D

 

[David Baxter PhD]

db2kp, I think it would certainly be a good idea to go and talk to a psychologist, if only to give you some place to talk about all of the things you're now dealing with (in confidence). I don't know whether ot not medication is required, but the psychologist would be able to advise you there too... or talk to your family doctor about how you are coping and see what s/he thinks about medication.

Are you sleeping well? Is your appetite OK?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

db2kp, I think it would certainly be a good idea to go and talk to a psychologist, if only to give you some place to talk about all of the things you're now dealing with (in confidence). I don't know whether ot not medication is required, but the psychologist would be able to advise you there too... or talk to your family doctor about how you are coping and see what s/he thinks about medication.

Are you sleeping well? Is your appetite OK?

 

[db2kp]

Thanks David.

Appetite is still good and I'm sleeping. Can't seem to get myself to go to bed at nite.
Since my dad passed, I've been having a glass or two of wine in the evening.
I'm sure that's helping me to sleep at nite. Next week I get back to work. I haven't been working steady for a month.

D

 

[db2kp]

Thanks David.

Appetite is still good and I'm sleeping. Can't seem to get myself to go to bed at nite.
Since my dad passed, I've been having a glass or two of wine in the evening.
I'm sure that's helping me to sleep at nite. Next week I get back to work. I haven't been working steady for a month.

D

 

[ThatLady]

Personally, if I were you, I'd make an appointment to talk to a psychologist about what's gone on in your life recently; about J, about your father's death (may he rest in peace), and about your concerns for your future. You've been through an enormous amount of stress, hon. You need an outlet, and you may need medication for a bit to get you through the grieving process for your father, and for what you hoped might be a relationship that would last. You're grieving for both right now, and that's not an easy task. It can be made much easier with help.

Hugs, hon.

 

[ThatLady]

Personally, if I were you, I'd make an appointment to talk to a psychologist about what's gone on in your life recently; about J, about your father's death (may he rest in peace), and about your concerns for your future. You've been through an enormous amount of stress, hon. You need an outlet, and you may need medication for a bit to get you through the grieving process for your father, and for what you hoped might be a relationship that would last. You're grieving for both right now, and that's not an easy task. It can be made much easier with help.

Hugs, hon.

 

[db2kp]

Thanks so much for your email ThatLady, you make alot of sense. I AM grieving for both...wanting to have my dad and a healthy relationship and now I'm without both.

D

 

[db2kp]

Thanks so much for your email ThatLady, you make alot of sense. I AM grieving for both...wanting to have my dad and a healthy relationship and now I'm without both.

D

 

[ThatLady]

Please keep us updated and get your therapy started as soon as you can, hon. I'll be anxious to hear how you're doing. I'm sure you'll begin to make progress very quickly, as you're a very motivated person. You're just looking for a way to turn your hopes into reality. That can best be accomplished by completing the grieving process and finding ways to cope with that which has been throwing you for a loop. A therapist can help you do so.

Good luck, and we'll be looking for updates! )

 

[ThatLady]

Please keep us updated and get your therapy started as soon as you can, hon. I'll be anxious to hear how you're doing. I'm sure you'll begin to make progress very quickly, as you're a very motivated person. You're just looking for a way to turn your hopes into reality. That can best be accomplished by completing the grieving process and finding ways to cope with that which has been throwing you for a loop. A therapist can help you do so.

Good luck, and we'll be looking for updates! )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The reason I asked about that is because you are of course grieving and that is a process which must unfold as you are able to let it unfold. But if you find that you are unable to sleep or eat normally, this can create a vicious cycle which can lead to disruption of the normal brain chemistry and in turn to what is called "complicated bereavement" and possibly a major depressive episode.

If you find that it continues to be difficult to get to sleep and get a decent night's sleep, it might be worth going to see your doctor, initially just to get a temporary prescription for something to help you sleep better.