Running out of time-Running out of options

[haunting]

Hi everyone. Have not been here in a while, just wanted to talk some.

We had a meeting; us being two of my doctors, 2 therapists, my bf and of course me.

We had worked some things out. I had a chance to speak my mind, how I feel about life in general. I ended up with home care. I had this IV pump I had to carry so they could get the fluids in and I was able to be home. This went well. But did not last long.

My doctor left on holidays for a month. As well as every single one of my other supports. I am back to my same old. The last appointment I had with my "newest therapist" was really uncomfortable. I like him a great deal, he is soooo sweet. But he called me on some things. I broke down and admitted that I am starving myself to a severe point. He said I look terrible. He said my face is drawn, looking pale, that there is no hiding the fact that I am very sick. I lost more weight. And I feel horrible. But the happy face is glued on for the holidays. And I had planned to get to a certain weight before my doctor gets back. How terrible of me to think, but I do think it. Just being honest. I figured with him gone, I can get away with it and deal with it when he gets back. But like my t said, he is sure I will be shipped off when he gets back and see's the shape I am in. He also threatened me to some degree.

So what happened? I can't help but wonder if its the fact that my due date is on December 31st. I lost my baby in June. I am having severe nightmares about my baby. Can't deal with even seeing babies. Makes me want to stab myself right through the stomach. I am so sad. I had planned the 31st to be the end of this life... my life. Trying hard to keep these thoughts away. Trying hard not to harm myself. The urges are strong. I am so afraid. I have never felt this strong fear before.

Whats wrong with me? I just can't stop crying, I can't stop.

Haunting

 

[Cat Dancer]

What you're dealing with is such a hard thing to deal with. The pain must be terrible and you just want to escape it somehow. I know how much you love your children. Could you consider going inpatient for a little while?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Whats wrong with me? I just can't stop crying, I can't stop.

What is "wrong" with you is called grief and depression. It doesn'y have to continue to be this bad for you, haunting, but the first step is to be totally honest with your therapists and doctors about how you are feeling and what you are thinking.

The single most important thing you MUST remember right now is that you can not trust your own thoughts -- they may seem totally logical to you at this moment but they are not. Six months or a year from now if you can remember the way you are thinking at this moment you will recognize how distorted they are; in the meantime, you need to try to take my word for it.

December 31 is going to be a difficult day for you, obviously. But it is just that and no more: a difficult day that will remind you of a painful loss. Let me ask you to do this: Make sure that you are with people who know you, people who you can trust, that day. Make sure you are not alone. Plan for this.

If a month later, or two months later, or six months later, you still feel that suicide is your only option, it will still be an option. But again right now I'm asking you to believe that your thinking is distorted right now. Don't tie yourself down to any deadlines, no matter how significant the date might be. At the very least, give yourself some time for alternative solutions. You and you children deserve that.

 

[ThatLady]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such problems, still, Haunting. When we feel so lousy, it's hard to see the good things around us. It's even harder to see the good things that are a part of who we are. Depression distorts everything. It's not what's wrong with you, hon. It's what's wrong with being depressed. Yet, being depressed is not who you are. It's something that's happening to you.

Dr. Baxter is right. Suicide will still be an option after the 31st. For now, just take one day...even one moment...at a time. Try hard to realize that you are important to so many people and gather those people close during the most difficult times.

Hugs, hon. I feel your pain. Please talk to your doctors and be completely honest about what's going on with you.

 

[haunting]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the kind words. I know times like this come and go. It just feels like it has such a grip on my right now. I feel like I am sufficating with pain and this depression will not let go. I was trying so damn hard to change what I was doing to my kids and myself. I do owe them more than this, they are wonderful kids.

This feeling of tears always sitting in my throat, I even cry when I see something so simple as a baby commercial. How pathetic am I?? This sadness is more than I can take, more than I can deal with. And this time of year is already hard for me.

I have no friends right now. I have nobody to be with on New Years eve. My kids will be with their dad, my bf has to work all night, no family here...... just alone. I know I am not safe by myself but I can't just grab someone off the street and say, "Hey come hang out with me."

I have been scared before, been deathly afraid, had much fear to contend with..... but this time its different. I have never been this frightened before of my thoughts, my plans, this uncertainty. I wish I could describe how I feel but can't seem to find the words anymore. And I am sooooo sick of the mask I put on for others to think that I am fine........ NO I AM NOT OKAY!!!

I have been more honest with my doctors (to a degree), and I told my new t what's going on inside. I did hold back to an extent because the trust and comfort level is not there yet. I have only seen him twice now. What I wanted to say is I am going to kill myself, please help me stop this insanity before its too late. But I could not do it. I did not nor do want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I have my kids this year for the majority of the holidays. Their dad only wanted to take them for a few days, being New Years. In-patient care would be the "ideal" for me right now... but it does not always work out that way.

So reality is hitting me hard. I am thinking this way and no I should not trust my "train of thought" right now. But its real and is racing through my mind with a power that I can't control.

My doctor is still gone. He won't be back until mid January. My t is gone as well. So what now? I am at the bottom of this pit and its dark. Not sure how to find the light, where to start climbing. Thoughts of just staying in the pit are strong, just allowing myself to die in this place. But this is not the answer, my kids need me. Or have I already accepted that I am dying........

Haunting

 

[Cat Dancer]

Is there someone on call that you could get in touch with?

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Or have you considered going into the hospital when your children go to their father's place and your boyfriend leaves?

 

[haunting]

Yes, I have considered the option of having myself admitted while the kids are gone. My fear with this is my children are gone for 3 days. What if they won't release me? I know how sick I am and they will know this as well. They can't just let me go in the state I am in. Then what? Their dad won't keep them. Or he will freak out and I will end up in a Court situation if he knows exactally what is going on. If he can cause any pain and suffering for us-- he would LOVE EVERY MINUTE. So with these unanswered questions, I am really unsure of what to do. I know I need help, please don't get me wrong. But there is more to the picture here.

There may be an option that I need to look into. I had talked to my t about this a week ago. My kids and I have stayed at the Womens Shelter here (a few times). I may be able to stay over night on the 31st. This would keep me safe and I will be surrounded by familiar territory. I am not sure how comfortable I would be, but I think safety is the issue here.

I totally admit that the hospital, in reality, is where I should be. Out-patient care is not working. I have been trying, I really want everyone to see this. I have made some positive steps..... but I have taken way too many back. I think the hospital that my eating disorder counselor suggested is probably the place for me. I fired her. Long story to that one, but I was not the only one in our meeting that felt a little "upset" with her. Like I say, long story. Our meeting was almost 2 hrs.

Thanks everyone, I will let u know what I decide. Taking my kids out today so we can have some fun, not mom being depressed. I am looking forward to Christmas day. They are soooo excited. I bought them a TV for their video games. And tons of other cool things. But my kids are so great in the way that this holiday is not about gifts. They are excited to see all of our family. To see them happy makes things easier to cope with. I think I will hide out with the kids while we are with my family. I think some of u know my issues with my family. So I will hang out with the kids for the couple of days we are around the ones that cause much of this heart-ache. Part of this is my family, this time of year. My dad, sisters---sigh.

You all Have a good day.

Haunting

 

[lammers1980]

Perhaps at this point admitting yourself to an inpatient hospital is the best choice at the moment. I am so sorry to hear you lost your baby. I cannot imagine how it might feel. I do understand what it is like not to trust your own mind, I live with this too with my OCD and there are times when that "little voice" is so strong that there is no arguing with it. Please don't give up, there is always hope, even in the darkest days.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, from what I have seen, being inpatient helps people even without an eating disorder gain weight.

 

[haunting]

Thanks everyone. At this time I can't deal with my issues. My son is really ill.

The last time I posted I had said we were going out to do something. Well my son had a headache for about 2 days but we were managing it. But about 3 hours after I was here, he became so ill. I took him to ER. They put in an IV to hydrate him, gave him pain killers and did blood work.

The blood showed that he has an infection. The doc said not to worry unless this continues. Well his temp is uncontrollable. I can get it to come down for a short time, then it shoots back up. So I just gave him a bath and phoned the doc. I am taking him in shortly.

So I just wanted to let u all know why I have not replied. I have to take care of him before anything else. I have never seen my son so ill before.

Thanks all,

Haunting

 

[Cat Dancer]

My thoughts are with your son. I hope he feels much better soon.

 

[ThatLady]

Best wishes for your son's rapid recovery, hon. I'm so sorry.

 

[haunting]

Thanks everyone. My son is alright. I took him to the clinic where our family doctor is. As he is gone right now we seen a different doctor. My son has an ear infection, nasal infection, and a minor chest infection. So this caused the migraines (nasal infection) and the fevers. He also examined my daughter and she also has a throat infection. So they are on antiboitics. Unfortunetly I can't take them to see our family as my mother has cancer and is ill right now. The doctor said not to go or we will put her at a high risk. I was relieved not to go but felt really bad for them. But they took it so well. They seemed kind of happy about staying home. So it worked out in the end. They are starting to feel better.

Thanks everyone. Haunting

 

[ThatLady]

Glad to hear things weren't too awful, Haunting. The antibiotics should clear up the problems for the kids in short order. Now, you guys have a wonderful holiday together. Perhaps, you can give your mom a call and tell her Merry Christmas, as well. That way, everyone can share the happiness.

 

[haunting]

Thanks ThatLady. Kids were feeling good. We made it as special as possible for them as they were disappointed not being able to be with everyone. But we all talked to grandma and they were happy with how their day went. Now they are busy with the new gifts. So I would say their Christmas was a good one. They are still not feeling the best but definetly much better. I hope everyone here had a good day as well.

Haunting.