Seeing your family after a long separation

[Blue Boris]

I haven't seen my family in a while. (And I'm ok with that)

I have been thinking of severing the ties even more by returning somethings of theirs I have borrowed, and getting some of my things that I had stored at their houses.

I'm apprehensive about seeing them.

I spoke to my grandmother briefly since I stopped seeing them. I thought she was going to be really pissed, but she acted all happy. It shocked me a bit.

From that I believe that she is co-dependent.

Any advice, or words of support?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Seeing your family after a long seperation.

I think a complete severance would be a mistake I think your grandmother loves you and it would only hurt her if you further to distant yourself YOu can put up boundaries in place and still have some connection I think showing kindness is always the way isolating yourself only harms you and the family in the end just my thought though i don't know your circumstance hugs to you

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure you need to be thinking in absolutes, Blue Boris. You can certainly return the borrowed items and collect your belongings but you don't need to make a public or even personal private decision that this is about finality. What if you change your mind?

 

[Blue Boris]

My father who sexually molested me "loves me" and still wants to hang out with me. Should I spend time with him?

Just because someone "loves me" doesn't mean that it's healthy for me be around them. My self esteem is up, and thought of suicide are down, since I've cut my family off. And I have the confidence to have gotten a new job.

I don't feel any good reason to be around them other than to feed their own desires. To sacrifice my happiness and my life for them.

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions for coping with the emotions I'll feel when I exchange some things with them?

 

[forgetmenot]

Of course you need to keep yourself emotional safe from your father I fyou can pre arrange a time to exchange the belonging when he is not there would that not be easier. set aside a time when you can do this ask your mother when would be the best time to come Emotions are a hard thing to cope with expecially if you are in a triggering atmosphere can you bring a friend with you for support as well. You do what is best for YOU i agree totally

 

[Retired]

Boris,

Undoubtedly there have been some serious issues in connection with your family and I can only imagine the feelings you might have. Grandmothers often have a differnt perpsective on family relationships, because of the years to their credit and so grandparents can sometimes be effective family mediators.

May I propose for your consideration that even if you decide to claim your stuff and return their stuff, that it be done with dignity and politeness, and that you not close the door entirely. Not to say you'll be having Christmas dinner any time soon, but an interesting thing happens when we grow in years....our views and our values as well as our priorities change. No one can predict the future, so allow your options to be kept open as well as the door to your family to remain slightly ajar.

You just don't know what will be happening ten or even twenty years from today.

 

[Blue Boris]

err, it's not that exactly. Sorry, let me clarify.

My father is not part of my "family". I will never see him. (and haven't for years) I was just comparing his sexual abuse of me to my family's (dead mother, step-father, grandmother, sister) emotional abuse of me.

It took me a year of therapy to admit to myself that I was emotionally abused by my family. (therapy was my mother's demand ironically)

I take my family's emotional abuse as seriously as my father's sexual abuse.

I find it interesting that most people give the emotional abuse little or no credence and think my separation from my family to be weird.

I do like the idea of taking a friend with me.

 

[forgetmenot]

I don't th nk your separation from your family is weird not all
I left my family very young age and swore never to return but circumstances beyond my control forced me to go back
oh and your right emotions will run very deep so please if you can have support
time tends to as said make us view things differently I hope in time you can heal from your pain try not to close that door too tightly okay i don't know how to explain it but no matter how tight that door is the pain seems to seep through anyways i think small doses of revisiting seems to have allowed me to breath a little easier. sorry just do what you can do with supports in place

 

[Blue Boris]

I don't know how to keep the door open.

 

[forgetmenot]

that is a good question i think not saying goodbye really not saying anything but just exchange what need to be exchanged then leave if conversation comes up as to why you are so distant i would be honest and say fpr you emotional well being it is necessary but who know with therapy and in time pehaps one day things will change. If for some reason your family reaches out to you try to accept that perhaps somewhere down deep the do care but have never been taught how to show that care. Im not making excuses for them but it hurts to much to keep the anger inside somehow one has to let it go I wish you the best i do Let us know howit goes okay if your want to

 

[rdw]

The worst thing is to keep the anger inside of you! Through counselling I am now able to view my family with a different lens. Once I became able to do that, their words and actions became less hurtful. As time progressed their words no longer had any effect as I learned to trust myself. I learned more about me and learned that I needed to validate my own thoughts first - I changed myself and learned to like myself. Then I learned to accept them for who they are. Now their words and actions no longer have the ability to send me home to bed crying for a week while I wondered what was wrong with me. My life is lighter and I am no longer afraid all of time but I changed me and not them. Good luck and don't close that door permanently - just lean it shut for a while until you feel better!