Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

[Daniel E.]

Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind A book by Kristin Neff, PhD Published in 2011 Find in a Library

BOOK REVIEW: Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind
by Brian Thompson, PhD, Scientific Mindfulness blog

I recently finished reading Kristin Neff's new book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. As I've mentioned before in Scientific Mindfulness, I've been following Dr. Neff's work on self-compassion for several years now. This new book is the first written for a lay audience.

A researcher at the University of Texas - Austin, Dr. Neff discovered self-compassion when she began attending a local Buddhist center while she was a graduate student at the University of California at Berkley. According to her book, she was really struck by the Buddhist view of compassion and devoted much of her professional career to defining and studying it. In Neff's conceptualization, self-compassion has three components: 1.) being kind to one's self, as opposed to harsh and judgmental; 2.) feeling part of the human condition, as opposed to alone and isolated; 3.) and being mindful of the present moment.

Research on self-compassion has really snowballed of late, and changes in self-compassion are being increasingly studied in mindfulness and acceptance-based research. There's also a growing body of literature suggesting that self-compassion is a more useful construct than that of self-esteem. Despite it's widespread use, our understanding of self-esteem is very problematic, as Dr. Neff discusses in her book.

Dr. Neff's book is an enjoyable mixture of theory, research, and personal anecdotes. It has elements of self-help but is not primarily a self-help book. Each chapter has exercises the reader may use to help develop self-compassion. I bookmarked several of them to use with clients. The exercises become a little weaker in the second half of the book, in my opinion--less specific, more abstract and vague--but I really liked many of them.

Dr. Neff does a great job incorporating research in a very readable and accessible style. Nothing is presented very technically, and the reader can easily find the studies cited in the "Notes" appendix in the back if he or she wants to seek out the original source material. I found myself flipping to the back frequently.

What I found most brave and unique about this book is Dr. Neff's willingness to speak candidly about her own life. In her book, she leads by example and shows a startling openness in sharing her own struggles. From an ex-husband who has never forgiven her for cheating on him to the difficulties of raising a child with autism, Dr. Neff offers incredibly personal anecdotes from her own experience and other people she knows. She doesn't present herself as an expert on self-compassion in the sense that she has it all figured out; rather, she vividly describes her own successes and struggles in incorporating self-compassion into her life.

Overall, I highly recommend the book. For people who'd like to know more about self-compassion and the research behind it, the book is a very up-to-date primer. For those interested in bringing more self-compassion into their lives, the book has a number of exercises and useful illustrations of self-compassion in action. As the book demonstrates and research increasingly shows, there is much to be gained in learning to treat ourselves more kindly.

 

[Daniel E.]

Self-Compassion?The Greatest Gift You Can Give Yourself | Yogi Rose
by Rose Hahn, Yogi Rose blog

Several years ago, I began the journey of understanding, embracing, and living the practice of compassion. It seemed a natural progression to take in my quest to be a better, more enlightened person. I did my best to set aside 10 minutes every day to open my heart with compassion to my family, my friends, my community, and especially any person with whom I might be experiencing difficulties. I learned to see more clearly the struggles of other people and how those struggles might be influencing their behavior. I touched the place within my heart that wants nothing but the best for all beings. I looked for, and always found, the spark of light within others, the part of them that wants all the same things I want ~ love, happiness, peace, and fulfillment of our dreams.
As my practice of compassion evolved, so did my sense of patience, my willingness to forgive, and my hesitation to judge too quickly or too harshly. I found myself less fearful, less distrustful, and all around more open to receiving and giving the blessings of human connection. I was quite pleased with the fruits of my compassionate practice. But, as so often is the case, just when I was feeling comfortable with my practice, the universe gave me a little nudge to go deeper.
My son?s therapist suggested a book on Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. I was so certain my own practice of compassion was on-track, it never even occurred to me he was recommending the book for me. I purchased it and gave it to my son. The following week, he asked if I had found the book. I told him I?d given it to my son, but he had yet to start reading it. He looked at me with surprise, and said, Oh, was it for him? I thought it was for you.
The first thought to cross my mind was, wow, is my lack of self-compassion written all over my face or what? I wondered what made him think I needed such a book. Of course, now that I?ve read the book, I reflect on that initial reaction with an inward giggle. It is precisely that sort of self-critical thinking that self-compassion helps to dissolve.
Even though all my learning on the practice of compassion had taught me the importance of first extending compassion to myself, and then to others, for 2 years I?d been devoting the bulk of my practice to developing compassion for others. I had found it easier, more noble, to open my heart to compassion for other people. I would even judge myself for not being compassionate enough. Despite the diligence of my practice, I had completely missed the boat.
Now, as I?ve begun to offer that same kindness, understanding, and goodwill to myself, I am experiencing a profound shift in my quest to be a better, more enlightened person. In fact, that shift is so fundamental it has altered the very intention of my quest. I can see that the desire to be a better person inherently implies there is something wrong with who I am to begin with. Like a hamster on the wheel of self-improvement, for many years I?ve been tirelessly running toward a goal that can never be attained ~ perfection. What a different perspective I have now that I?ve stepped off that wheel.
For one, I can see and accept that as a human, it is in my DNA to make mistakes, to be less than perfect, to fall, to do and say things I?m not proud of. It?s in my nature to be afraid sometimes, as well as to be sad, angry, jealous, and so on. Struggle is as much a part of the human experience as is joy and celebration. I am shadow as well as light. It is when I embrace all aspects of my experience, my being, with loving compassion, rather than denial or resistance, that I am finally able to understand and embrace what it means to be alive.
This is the incredible gift of self-compassion ~ to see ourselves with clarity, warts and all; to understand more deeply our emotions, reactions, and struggles; to wrap ourselves in the arms of our own loving support and be comforted and inspired. It is a gift no one else can give or take away. And, it is the fertile ground from which a more compassionate world arises. Every thing we experience is first and foremost a personal experience, filtered through the lens of our own inner-terrain. Compassion for each other flows naturally from the springs of compassion we nurture for ourselves.
I highly recommend Kristin Neff?s book entitled Self-Compassion, as well as her website self-compassion.org. Her book can be purchased on her website or on Amazon, but the website offers good information as well as guided meditations.

 

[Daniel E.]

Some of the exercises in the book:

Self-Kindness Exercise. This might seem silly or strange at first, but when you?re upset, give yourself a hug or gently rock your body. Your body will respond to the physical warmth and care, Neff says. (Imagining a hug works, too.) In fact, hugging yourself actually has soothing benefits.

According to Neff, ?research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin [?hormone of love and bonding?], provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions and calms cardiovascular stress.?

Common Humanity Exercise. Think about a trait that you often criticize yourself for and ?is an important part of your self-definition,? such as being a shy or lazy person. Then answer these questions:

1. How often do you show this trait? Who are you when you don?t show it? ?Are you still you??
2. Do certain circumstances bring out this trait? ?Does this trait really define you if particular circumstances must be present in order for the trait to emerge??
3. What circumstances have led to you having this trait, such as childhood experiences or genetics? ?If these ?outside? forces were partly responsible for you having this trait, is it accurate to think of the trait as reflecting the inner you??
4. Do you have a choice in showing this trait? Did you choose to have this trait in the first place?
5. What if you ?reframe your self-description?? Neff uses the example of reframing ?I am an angry person? to ?Sometimes, in certain circumstances, I get angry.? Neff asks: ?By not identifying so strongly with this trait, does anything change? Can you sense any more space, freedom, peace of mind??

Mindfulness Exercise. One helpful way to promote mindfulness is with a practice called noting. That is, you note everything you think, feel, hear, smell and sense. To do this, Neff suggests picking a comfortable spot and sitting down for 10 to 20 minutes. Acknowledge each thought, feeling or sensation and just go on to the next one. Neff gives the following examples: ?itch in left foot,? ?excitement,? ?plane flying overhead.?

Cultivating Self-Compassion

 

[Daniel E.]