EaglaisLuch
Member
Not entirely sure where to start. Posting here as the Dx is DID. Mostly, just rambling about what has been going on and thoughts and questions that we may never really get answers to. More than likely this post isn't going to be in very good order. Probably going to be a thesis. So we'll just put it out there.
We heared Thursday from our therapist that he has leukemia. The acute kind. To him it's a good thing because the chances of beating it are high. He's also a medical doctor so guess he would know.
One of my thoughts is, there's a good side to leukemia?!
He's been a huge influence in our life. We have never trusted or cared for anyone as much as we have grown to trust and care about him. He has been more than just a therapist. He has been a friend, confidaunt and mentor.
He specifically and explicitly explained on Thursday that nothing has changed. That we could still e-mail him keeping him posted as to how we're doing. That he would still send short responses to later talk about it in session. He said it was still ok to phone him if we are in serious crisis about keeping ourself from self harm.
He was missing a lot of work at the end of april. So we hadn't been seeing much of him. At the end of april when we were told he was in and out of the hospital by his secretary, we stopped emailing him. Give him his space to concentrate on himself at getting well. We all(inside) decided to hold back telling him anything more. However, shortly before him being ill we were already starting to have trouble with coping and did let him know we were having unsafe thoughts.
It was surprising to see, when we were told late april about him being sick, everyone had all lined up. We designated the stronger ones from the ones that aren't so strong. Designated who was to do what and when. Everyone had to pitch in, in one way or another. This, appearently, is very unusual for the system. The discouraging part of it...we couldn't maintain it and started to break down in serious ways.
We have some really positive plans in place to create more safety from our abusers. Improve our income to the point of doubling it. basically, going back to school. And moving an hour away from the abusers and minutes from our therapist.
We were feeling really good late march early april. Possitive, strong and everyone(inside) on board with these changes. More co-operation in the system. But something changed it all.
Mid april things were starting to feel too over whelming and fought to keep focused on our plans, dispite of what was happening with our therapist. A lot of self talk, keep focused, you can do this, not much longer. It's what he(therapist) would want us to do.
The last two weeks we have been at the starting point of crisis mode and now at crisis. No co-operation in the system. Everyone isolating from eachother and the oustide world. Affraid to leave home in fear of what we might do to ourselves. Not eating. Think we're sleeping but waken completely and utterly exhausted. No one stepping up to take over daily responsibilities. Missing a lot of work. Not knowing about the missing days until our manager brought it up. Instensly worrying about therapist and his family. Knowing that we have all these positive plans but feeling alone and in great despare. Obsessing over selfharm plans with no escape. Not understanding why we are feeling so horrible as there should be no reason for it. It's consuming us so much it's paralizing.
Previously, when we realized it was getting critical, we emailed our therapist asking him to refer us to someone while he was out until he returns. He emailed back stating he didn't have anyone. That's when we started searching and found this site. More for educational purposes and back up therapist search. Not so much for support. We have another forum that we usually write in for DID but it diddn't seem to have the resources, regarding getting incarnate help than this site seems to offer.
When we saw him Thursday he did acknowledge that he was aware that aren't safe. Him and his wife pressured for us to talk about what's happening with him. That it needs to be talked about. All we could say is that we're fine. He tried to pressure more about what's going on with us but we told him not to worry about it that we'll be fine. For him and his wife to consentrate on their needs. He later stated what was mentioned above about the e-mails and calling him.
Think it was friday was when we started to email him. We called his office. He normally emails back right away or later the same day. The day went on and we were getting histarical. Crying histarically of and on, setting in front of us the tools for our "plan." We got no responses from the emails. Around 6 pm we called him. The flood gates opened. It turns out we were attacked from our abuser in mid april and with all the goals for school and moving and what's going on with him has pushed us beyond our coping. Sadly, when we hung up the phone with him we realized we were alone. We are on our own.
According to the posts that were placed on the other forum stated we went to the emergency room friday night to seek support. The posts were, what's the word, scarey. The posts were from one extreme to another. Offering support and encouragement to others, joking around to posts of despare, loneliness and suicidal.
Noticed today that there were several email drafts made on friday to our therapist that weren't sent. Expressing thoughts and words that didn't seem my own. Who wrote this stuff? what is going on? why are we having so much trouble?
It was noted that in the emergency room talking to the psych nurse we weren't able to give correct day, time or year. With coaching from the nurse, had a hard time knowing our phone# and completely identifying where we were. It was written that I even tried to use our watch for the answers but was futile. For some reason we didn't know how to read time or dates.
The nurse left and shortly after the shrink came in. This I remember. He asked one question. One question only. "What can I do to help you?" Immediately felt enraged. We were so angry because we didnt have the answer. All we could say is how bad we were. That we don't know why and didn't know what they could do to help us. He said to go home and medicate until Monday when we follow up with our therapist. How stupid did we feel when he said that. Didn't think to take medication to get through.
What angers us the most is that we went there for help. Isn't it their job to do the assessment and determine what can be done? We always fear going to emerg when we're like that. The reason: is it going to be a waiste of our time? when we left and driving home we knew we are really and truely alone.
Now, medicated. Heavily. The thoughts still there. Wanting to give everything we own away and get in the car and drive until we run out of money for gas. The spot where our car stalls is the area we will go through with our plan. But we're too medicated to even move. Too medicated to go through with it all. So medicated just can barely move. Affraid we may have alienated our therapist that he'll drop us.
Just dont understand. We know the positive things but feel we just can't do any of it anymore. Trying to place a finger on the one thing that triggered this all and not able to come up with anything. Thinking if we can do that then we can do something about it and move on. Why does it seem so distant? why can't we get past this? who wrote all those things? who said all those things? It's all too much and have no support system. Just don't know what to do anymore.
We want the answers. We fear what we might do when the meds wear off. Why are we wanting to die to so much? Why can't we shake it? We just want piece, ya know. She doesn't understand that. We're tired and have nothing left.
sorry. thank you for listening to those of you in cyber world. we'll keep medicating and see what happens on monday.
We heared Thursday from our therapist that he has leukemia. The acute kind. To him it's a good thing because the chances of beating it are high. He's also a medical doctor so guess he would know.
One of my thoughts is, there's a good side to leukemia?!
He's been a huge influence in our life. We have never trusted or cared for anyone as much as we have grown to trust and care about him. He has been more than just a therapist. He has been a friend, confidaunt and mentor.
He specifically and explicitly explained on Thursday that nothing has changed. That we could still e-mail him keeping him posted as to how we're doing. That he would still send short responses to later talk about it in session. He said it was still ok to phone him if we are in serious crisis about keeping ourself from self harm.
He was missing a lot of work at the end of april. So we hadn't been seeing much of him. At the end of april when we were told he was in and out of the hospital by his secretary, we stopped emailing him. Give him his space to concentrate on himself at getting well. We all(inside) decided to hold back telling him anything more. However, shortly before him being ill we were already starting to have trouble with coping and did let him know we were having unsafe thoughts.
It was surprising to see, when we were told late april about him being sick, everyone had all lined up. We designated the stronger ones from the ones that aren't so strong. Designated who was to do what and when. Everyone had to pitch in, in one way or another. This, appearently, is very unusual for the system. The discouraging part of it...we couldn't maintain it and started to break down in serious ways.
We have some really positive plans in place to create more safety from our abusers. Improve our income to the point of doubling it. basically, going back to school. And moving an hour away from the abusers and minutes from our therapist.
We were feeling really good late march early april. Possitive, strong and everyone(inside) on board with these changes. More co-operation in the system. But something changed it all.
Mid april things were starting to feel too over whelming and fought to keep focused on our plans, dispite of what was happening with our therapist. A lot of self talk, keep focused, you can do this, not much longer. It's what he(therapist) would want us to do.
The last two weeks we have been at the starting point of crisis mode and now at crisis. No co-operation in the system. Everyone isolating from eachother and the oustide world. Affraid to leave home in fear of what we might do to ourselves. Not eating. Think we're sleeping but waken completely and utterly exhausted. No one stepping up to take over daily responsibilities. Missing a lot of work. Not knowing about the missing days until our manager brought it up. Instensly worrying about therapist and his family. Knowing that we have all these positive plans but feeling alone and in great despare. Obsessing over selfharm plans with no escape. Not understanding why we are feeling so horrible as there should be no reason for it. It's consuming us so much it's paralizing.
Previously, when we realized it was getting critical, we emailed our therapist asking him to refer us to someone while he was out until he returns. He emailed back stating he didn't have anyone. That's when we started searching and found this site. More for educational purposes and back up therapist search. Not so much for support. We have another forum that we usually write in for DID but it diddn't seem to have the resources, regarding getting incarnate help than this site seems to offer.
When we saw him Thursday he did acknowledge that he was aware that aren't safe. Him and his wife pressured for us to talk about what's happening with him. That it needs to be talked about. All we could say is that we're fine. He tried to pressure more about what's going on with us but we told him not to worry about it that we'll be fine. For him and his wife to consentrate on their needs. He later stated what was mentioned above about the e-mails and calling him.
Think it was friday was when we started to email him. We called his office. He normally emails back right away or later the same day. The day went on and we were getting histarical. Crying histarically of and on, setting in front of us the tools for our "plan." We got no responses from the emails. Around 6 pm we called him. The flood gates opened. It turns out we were attacked from our abuser in mid april and with all the goals for school and moving and what's going on with him has pushed us beyond our coping. Sadly, when we hung up the phone with him we realized we were alone. We are on our own.
According to the posts that were placed on the other forum stated we went to the emergency room friday night to seek support. The posts were, what's the word, scarey. The posts were from one extreme to another. Offering support and encouragement to others, joking around to posts of despare, loneliness and suicidal.
Noticed today that there were several email drafts made on friday to our therapist that weren't sent. Expressing thoughts and words that didn't seem my own. Who wrote this stuff? what is going on? why are we having so much trouble?
It was noted that in the emergency room talking to the psych nurse we weren't able to give correct day, time or year. With coaching from the nurse, had a hard time knowing our phone# and completely identifying where we were. It was written that I even tried to use our watch for the answers but was futile. For some reason we didn't know how to read time or dates.
The nurse left and shortly after the shrink came in. This I remember. He asked one question. One question only. "What can I do to help you?" Immediately felt enraged. We were so angry because we didnt have the answer. All we could say is how bad we were. That we don't know why and didn't know what they could do to help us. He said to go home and medicate until Monday when we follow up with our therapist. How stupid did we feel when he said that. Didn't think to take medication to get through.
What angers us the most is that we went there for help. Isn't it their job to do the assessment and determine what can be done? We always fear going to emerg when we're like that. The reason: is it going to be a waiste of our time? when we left and driving home we knew we are really and truely alone.
Now, medicated. Heavily. The thoughts still there. Wanting to give everything we own away and get in the car and drive until we run out of money for gas. The spot where our car stalls is the area we will go through with our plan. But we're too medicated to even move. Too medicated to go through with it all. So medicated just can barely move. Affraid we may have alienated our therapist that he'll drop us.
Just dont understand. We know the positive things but feel we just can't do any of it anymore. Trying to place a finger on the one thing that triggered this all and not able to come up with anything. Thinking if we can do that then we can do something about it and move on. Why does it seem so distant? why can't we get past this? who wrote all those things? who said all those things? It's all too much and have no support system. Just don't know what to do anymore.
We want the answers. We fear what we might do when the meds wear off. Why are we wanting to die to so much? Why can't we shake it? We just want piece, ya know. She doesn't understand that. We're tired and have nothing left.
sorry. thank you for listening to those of you in cyber world. we'll keep medicating and see what happens on monday.
