Little_Girl_Blue
Member
I don't feel as bad as I have felt these past few weeks, when the only option in my mind was to end my life after I leave my job in a couple of months. Now that feels like less of a plan and more of a thought.
It's clear that these are only thoughts. Thoughts I have had since I was 11 (and actually as early as 5, collective suicide was my perceived solution for pain and grief).
I don't have anywhere to go with my life after I finish my job. I certainly don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. And I don't want to study anymore - I wouldn't even be able to get into any graduate programs. I don't have anything to offer to the world. And yes, it is because I don't want to try. It's simple, I am self-defeating and, logically, because of that I will never get anywhere, I will never succeed.
I get mad that my parents gave birth to me. I didn't ask for life. I get so unimaginably angry when people go about trying to have kids - they should adopt the unwanted ones instead of creating more individuals who are going to feel lost in the world. And this from someone who has very loving and well-intentioned parents.
The fact is, the world doesn't need anymore people like me. And what keeps me back? Stupid guilt. Back when I starved myself, I did it consciously hoping I'd get a heart attack or something. Would have made me feel less guilty if I had gone that way. My parents wouldn't have been so angry. But causing your death from one minute to the next...that's much harder.
It's clear that these are only thoughts. Thoughts I have had since I was 11 (and actually as early as 5, collective suicide was my perceived solution for pain and grief).
I don't have anywhere to go with my life after I finish my job. I certainly don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. And I don't want to study anymore - I wouldn't even be able to get into any graduate programs. I don't have anything to offer to the world. And yes, it is because I don't want to try. It's simple, I am self-defeating and, logically, because of that I will never get anywhere, I will never succeed.
I get mad that my parents gave birth to me. I didn't ask for life. I get so unimaginably angry when people go about trying to have kids - they should adopt the unwanted ones instead of creating more individuals who are going to feel lost in the world. And this from someone who has very loving and well-intentioned parents.
The fact is, the world doesn't need anymore people like me. And what keeps me back? Stupid guilt. Back when I starved myself, I did it consciously hoping I'd get a heart attack or something. Would have made me feel less guilty if I had gone that way. My parents wouldn't have been so angry. But causing your death from one minute to the next...that's much harder.