Sometimes I feel like I honestly wouldn't care if I accidentally killed myself

[[talon]]

It is at the point that I'm not able to look to anyone else and my psychiatrist is AWAY. I'm 17 years old, by the way.

First thing. I only have 1 friend that I actually hang out with regularly. Reason is, I lack social skills. I got bullied alot because of it when I was younger and now I am just ignored by most people because I'm so quiet and awkward though I admit I don't make any effort to be normal and talk. (My friends don't know about my problems because I am very afraid they'll judge me.)

Second. I got raped 5 months ago.
The only person I told was my sister (a year and a half older than me) and my friend that lives in B.C. and my sister is threatening to tell my mom BUT I DONT WANT HER TO KNOW.

My relationship is falling apart with my sister because she's a drug addict but I can't do anything about it because she doesn't want to change.

Third. I have an on/off boyfriend for a year and a half and now I am just coming to the conclusion that he probably doesn't love me. He always hurts me and yet every time I try to move on I end up thinking about him and regretting leaving him.

My dad beat me and verbally abused me when I was younger. (My mom allowed it. She would literally walk out of the room and just ignore what was happening while I was screaming.) That's all I can remember of my childhood. When I mention this to them they just deny it.

Sometimes I do drugs just to shut off my mind from thinking all this. I find myself not motivated to do anything or find a real job. I don't want a real job. I don't want to study. I have no desire.

I am a cutter, my mom says I am stupid for doing that. I know it IS hurting her. But it's something that I rely on to cope.

I used to have lots of talent and be able to write and draw and feel good about myself when I do it but now I can't even do those things anymore. It's like I can't get myself to feel good about what I'm doing or I just don't feel like doing it anymore.

I go through happy and depressed phases. Sometimes I forget I am even depressed because I feel happy for no reason sometimes. And then when I get depressed I just suddenly want to die actually.

I attend group therapy sessions (they are over now cuz its summer) but I am horrible at opening up about my emotions. I just instinctively bury them deep inside of me and I can't even get them out by myself.. Sometimes I feel so numb I forget how to feel.

I actually think I'd be better off in the hospital or else I might just do something I'd regret. I don't actually want to hurt my family. They mean a lot to me. I just don't feel like I have much choice sometimes. I am also hurting them just being here. I try to think positive cuz I know it'd be a waste to kill myself.. I know it's stupid.. I DO want to get better. I've read books about dealing with depression but the feeling that I might be getting better never lasts (it's on and off)

I know this sounds really complicated but if you could give me some advice I would appreciate it. I'm desperate.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Sometimes I feel like I honestly wouldn''t care if I accidentally killed myself

Second. I got raped 5 months ago.
The only person I told was my sister (a year and a half older than me) and my friend that lives in B.C. and my sister is threatening to tell my mom BUT I DONT WANT HER TO KNOW.

Most communities offer free counseling to rape victims. As you may know all to well, the trauma of rape will easily increase anxiety, depression, suicidal thinking, etc. For some resources in Canada:

http://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources

Some related articles:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/victims-...ring-from-rape-surviving-the-after-shock.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/victims-of-crime/

I attend group therapy sessions (they are over now cuz its summer) but I am horrible at opening up about my emotions. I just instinctively bury them deep inside of me and I can't even get them out by myself.. Sometimes I feel so numb I forget how to feel.

You don't mention in your more recent posts, at least, why don't you go to individual therapy as well. Especially with issues like rape, a general mental health support group is not sufficient.

So I often assume it's a financial thing regarding reluctance about individual therapy. (Is your family unwilling or unable to pay for it?) In addition to the services offered by rape crisis centers, there may be waiting lists you can get signed up on for free therapy, in addition to low-cost therapy options provided by teaching clinics and universities.

Or is your reluctance to go to individual therapy/counseling partly because you don't want to talk about the rape?

I am also hurting them just being here.

This is a very common belief in people who are depressed. Suicidal thinking is, in many ways, a negative spin on already false beliefs.

 

[[talon]]

So I often assume it's a financial thing regarding reluctance about individual therapy. (Is your family unwilling or unable to pay for it?) In addition to the services offered by rape crisis centers, there may be waiting lists you can get signed up on for free therapy, in addition to low-cost therapy options provided by teaching clinics and universities.

I've never talked to anyone about it (besides my sister but she doesn't deal with it well which i guess is understandable)..and I am afraid to let my parents know. I don't even know how to tell my therapist. I know she does individual therapy, too, but I don't know how to tell her...

 

[Into The Light]

talon, can you write it on a piece of paper and give it to her? sometimes things are too hard to verbalize and for me i have relied a lot on writing to tell my therapist things i couldn't say out loud. that way you don't have to say the words but you do let your therapist know what you want tell her.