First of all, I want to say that I'm really enjoying participating in this forum. I hope I'm not taking more than I'm giving, but I have to ask about this because I don't know what to do.
Here is some background: I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father was emotionally abusive and racist. I think that is where these thoughts are stemming from. When I was little, I liked to draw. My dad is an artist. I remember him teaching me to draw a specific design and my mom getting quite angry at him for teaching me to draw something so evil. I was 4 years old at the time and didn't know what it was. Only when I got a few years older did I realize that it was a swastika. I still have some of the old drawings.
Anyways, his racist views have always affected me, in ways too numerous and lengthy to discuss in this post. When I was a teenager, I was convinced for a short time that I was put here on earth to end racism, and I would be able to do so by writing a book about my experiences with my dad. These thoughts eventually went away.
Now, the thoughts are more sinister. I believe that my birth caused the holocaust to happen. I know it doesn't make sense given my age, but I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be conceived or even born (I feel this way because my bio-parents were 16 and 22, uncle and neice, and they gave me up for adoption) and that my birth somehow set off a chain of events allowing all of this evil to occur, even retroactively. It still occurs because I wasn't able to ever write my book and win the war on racism by stopping my father from feeling the way he does.
This is so consuming, I lay in bed thinking about this and I can't work or study. The thing is, I have periods of time during the day when I think "no, this isn't real" but at times it seems so real to me. Right now, as I'm typing this, I know it's somewhat impossible, but I still think there's a grain of truth in it.
I've had this happen before, with global warming. I was about 21, it was Y2K and all, and we were having unseasonably warm winters. I was certain that my presence on earth started off the chain of events that lead to global warming, and it was my fault we were allgoing to die. It was so bad, I would wake up at night crying about how horrible it was that I caused this. I can see this same pattern emerging right now.
I want to talk to my doctor about this, but I don't even know what to call it. Anxiety? And, I've never discussed these thoughts with him, because they are embarrassing and people look at you with a really pitying look when you tell them you think these things.
Here is some background: I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father was emotionally abusive and racist. I think that is where these thoughts are stemming from. When I was little, I liked to draw. My dad is an artist. I remember him teaching me to draw a specific design and my mom getting quite angry at him for teaching me to draw something so evil. I was 4 years old at the time and didn't know what it was. Only when I got a few years older did I realize that it was a swastika. I still have some of the old drawings.
Anyways, his racist views have always affected me, in ways too numerous and lengthy to discuss in this post. When I was a teenager, I was convinced for a short time that I was put here on earth to end racism, and I would be able to do so by writing a book about my experiences with my dad. These thoughts eventually went away.
Now, the thoughts are more sinister. I believe that my birth caused the holocaust to happen. I know it doesn't make sense given my age, but I just feel like I wasn't supposed to be conceived or even born (I feel this way because my bio-parents were 16 and 22, uncle and neice, and they gave me up for adoption) and that my birth somehow set off a chain of events allowing all of this evil to occur, even retroactively. It still occurs because I wasn't able to ever write my book and win the war on racism by stopping my father from feeling the way he does.
This is so consuming, I lay in bed thinking about this and I can't work or study. The thing is, I have periods of time during the day when I think "no, this isn't real" but at times it seems so real to me. Right now, as I'm typing this, I know it's somewhat impossible, but I still think there's a grain of truth in it.
I've had this happen before, with global warming. I was about 21, it was Y2K and all, and we were having unseasonably warm winters. I was certain that my presence on earth started off the chain of events that lead to global warming, and it was my fault we were allgoing to die. It was so bad, I would wake up at night crying about how horrible it was that I caused this. I can see this same pattern emerging right now.
I want to talk to my doctor about this, but I don't even know what to call it. Anxiety? And, I've never discussed these thoughts with him, because they are embarrassing and people look at you with a really pitying look when you tell them you think these things.
