AmZ
Member
Since the age of 14 I have used weed and alcohol in order to escape reality, especially at difficult times where events happened and I felt like I needed to escape or dull the pain that was involved in the situation. At other times, I simply wasn't so happy so got drunk or stoned so that I could 'feel good', even if it was just for a few/several hours.
I haven't smoked weed for probably 2 years now and in the last 4 months have gotten drunk three times, and badly, and all came from a place of having an urge and feeling a need to do so, and doing it. Before a year ago now, drinking was more of a social thing and I never drank alone, but in the last year, I drink once a week or so, and only by myself in my apartment. Again, it comes from a place of it being an urge and the feeling to need to escape and for various reasons.
Even though I've drank a lot less in the last 4 months since the anxiety and depression came about full force (literally 3 times), I am having such crazy urges to do it again or to ask someone I work with to get me some weed.
It feels so ingrained in me to do this, even to do so once a fortnight which doesn't sound like much, but I know it's substance abuse.
It makes me worry for the future, because I often lose control and give in to the urges.
Right now, I am sitting here at work and am shaking inside I am having such strong urges to do something...
The alcohol is less of a desire, because the 3 times I drank in the last 4 months ended up very messy and horrible the next day, especially once when I drank whilst on the anti-depressants. I could just totally get stoned out of my face though to be honest... That's all I want to do.
I don't know how I can deal with it right now and what I can do to stop these feelings. There is only so much I can avoid being at home and distract myself. I will get back from work tonight at 9pm or so and will need to control myself incredibly whilst I walk past the shops on my way home.
---------- Post added at 09:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:30 PM ----------
Well, got through it again without doing anything stupid.
The answer seemed to be to stay at work late writing some angry things down... then come home on the bus and for 40 minutes drive myself absolutely insane with constant visions is my head of me hurting myself by doing different things, keep building myself up and up until I gotta blow... and then break down crying on the dark bus and let it all out.
That wasn't my plan or intentions but that solved that.
Feel pathetic and totally out of control, but what can I do. I'm trying.
I haven't smoked weed for probably 2 years now and in the last 4 months have gotten drunk three times, and badly, and all came from a place of having an urge and feeling a need to do so, and doing it. Before a year ago now, drinking was more of a social thing and I never drank alone, but in the last year, I drink once a week or so, and only by myself in my apartment. Again, it comes from a place of it being an urge and the feeling to need to escape and for various reasons.
Even though I've drank a lot less in the last 4 months since the anxiety and depression came about full force (literally 3 times), I am having such crazy urges to do it again or to ask someone I work with to get me some weed.
It feels so ingrained in me to do this, even to do so once a fortnight which doesn't sound like much, but I know it's substance abuse.
It makes me worry for the future, because I often lose control and give in to the urges.
Right now, I am sitting here at work and am shaking inside I am having such strong urges to do something...
The alcohol is less of a desire, because the 3 times I drank in the last 4 months ended up very messy and horrible the next day, especially once when I drank whilst on the anti-depressants. I could just totally get stoned out of my face though to be honest... That's all I want to do.
I don't know how I can deal with it right now and what I can do to stop these feelings. There is only so much I can avoid being at home and distract myself. I will get back from work tonight at 9pm or so and will need to control myself incredibly whilst I walk past the shops on my way home.
---------- Post added at 09:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:30 PM ----------
Well, got through it again without doing anything stupid.
The answer seemed to be to stay at work late writing some angry things down... then come home on the bus and for 40 minutes drive myself absolutely insane with constant visions is my head of me hurting myself by doing different things, keep building myself up and up until I gotta blow... and then break down crying on the dark bus and let it all out.
That wasn't my plan or intentions but that solved that.
Feel pathetic and totally out of control, but what can I do. I'm trying.
