Laurie
Member
Life just isn’t working out. Nothing I do seems to be the answer. This tells me the problem is me. But I don’t know how to fix me.
I have been so grateful to find this website, and I enjoy reading the various discussions here. But I’m having a hard time getting past always listening and caring about other people and never wanting (?) to look at my own life and fix it.
I am around people all of my waking hours of the day and taking care of their needs whether they be professional or personal. But I don’t share much about myself with anyone – not even my family -it’s not usually appropriate and it never makes me feel good about myself so it never helps me. But lately, I’m falling apart. I’ll pick myself up but only for a day or so and there I am again. This usually only happens to me once a year or so and it’s no big deal, just - life. But I am exhausted with this seemingly never-ending road I’m on right now.
Dr. Baxter sent me some questions to ponder about self-concept and I cannot bring myself to answer them. Every time I would try, it would bring up all sorts of stuff in my past, instead. So I typed up all the things in my past that I don’t like or understand. Sort of a chronology of negative events so I could piece them together and make sense of them. Another thing I realized doing this is that I want to be able to tell my ‘story’ in a way that I can handle it and I have not found the right words to do this. It never sounds like the events are real or that it is any part of me and yet, it is. So then I think I have been thinking of myself completely the wrong way – like if these things are true, I have to be some other ‘way’. Am I making any sense?? It’s like when I look at the negative things that happened, I feel like my life couldn’t be what/how I think it currently is.
I thought about re-writing my story over and over until I could put it into words that sound like I am ok with it and it’s no big deal. But again, I can’t seem to make myself do it.
So, am I just a big coward? Or just so unimportant that I’m not worth anyone listening to me or helping me? Or, too self-important and needy for anyone to relate to me? Or, why, when I find a place like this, can’t I just let it out and deal with it?? What exactly is this barrier? Or, maybe I’m just afraid of talking too much or saying the wrong things and offending people? And by the way, this is the first time I have ever used my real name or said anything personal on the web. Usually I hide behind a genderless name and talk to others but not about me.
I know this forum isn’t for this type of thing, (all the talking and long stories) but I just wondered if any of this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone has ever felt any of these things and what you think now or did about it?
Thanks
I have been so grateful to find this website, and I enjoy reading the various discussions here. But I’m having a hard time getting past always listening and caring about other people and never wanting (?) to look at my own life and fix it.
I am around people all of my waking hours of the day and taking care of their needs whether they be professional or personal. But I don’t share much about myself with anyone – not even my family -it’s not usually appropriate and it never makes me feel good about myself so it never helps me. But lately, I’m falling apart. I’ll pick myself up but only for a day or so and there I am again. This usually only happens to me once a year or so and it’s no big deal, just - life. But I am exhausted with this seemingly never-ending road I’m on right now.
Dr. Baxter sent me some questions to ponder about self-concept and I cannot bring myself to answer them. Every time I would try, it would bring up all sorts of stuff in my past, instead. So I typed up all the things in my past that I don’t like or understand. Sort of a chronology of negative events so I could piece them together and make sense of them. Another thing I realized doing this is that I want to be able to tell my ‘story’ in a way that I can handle it and I have not found the right words to do this. It never sounds like the events are real or that it is any part of me and yet, it is. So then I think I have been thinking of myself completely the wrong way – like if these things are true, I have to be some other ‘way’. Am I making any sense?? It’s like when I look at the negative things that happened, I feel like my life couldn’t be what/how I think it currently is.
I thought about re-writing my story over and over until I could put it into words that sound like I am ok with it and it’s no big deal. But again, I can’t seem to make myself do it.
So, am I just a big coward? Or just so unimportant that I’m not worth anyone listening to me or helping me? Or, too self-important and needy for anyone to relate to me? Or, why, when I find a place like this, can’t I just let it out and deal with it?? What exactly is this barrier? Or, maybe I’m just afraid of talking too much or saying the wrong things and offending people? And by the way, this is the first time I have ever used my real name or said anything personal on the web. Usually I hide behind a genderless name and talk to others but not about me.
I know this forum isn’t for this type of thing, (all the talking and long stories) but I just wondered if any of this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone has ever felt any of these things and what you think now or did about it?
Thanks