Talking and sharing..

[Laurie]

Life just isn’t working out. Nothing I do seems to be the answer. This tells me the problem is me. But I don’t know how to fix me.
I have been so grateful to find this website, and I enjoy reading the various discussions here. But I’m having a hard time getting past always listening and caring about other people and never wanting (?) to look at my own life and fix it.
I am around people all of my waking hours of the day and taking care of their needs whether they be professional or personal. But I don’t share much about myself with anyone – not even my family -it’s not usually appropriate and it never makes me feel good about myself so it never helps me. But lately, I’m falling apart. I’ll pick myself up but only for a day or so and there I am again. This usually only happens to me once a year or so and it’s no big deal, just - life. But I am exhausted with this seemingly never-ending road I’m on right now.
Dr. Baxter sent me some questions to ponder about self-concept and I cannot bring myself to answer them. Every time I would try, it would bring up all sorts of stuff in my past, instead. So I typed up all the things in my past that I don’t like or understand. Sort of a chronology of negative events so I could piece them together and make sense of them. Another thing I realized doing this is that I want to be able to tell my ‘story’ in a way that I can handle it and I have not found the right words to do this. It never sounds like the events are real or that it is any part of me and yet, it is. So then I think I have been thinking of myself completely the wrong way – like if these things are true, I have to be some other ‘way’. Am I making any sense?? It’s like when I look at the negative things that happened, I feel like my life couldn’t be what/how I think it currently is.
I thought about re-writing my story over and over until I could put it into words that sound like I am ok with it and it’s no big deal. But again, I can’t seem to make myself do it.
So, am I just a big coward? Or just so unimportant that I’m not worth anyone listening to me or helping me? Or, too self-important and needy for anyone to relate to me? Or, why, when I find a place like this, can’t I just let it out and deal with it?? What exactly is this barrier? Or, maybe I’m just afraid of talking too much or saying the wrong things and offending people? And by the way, this is the first time I have ever used my real name or said anything personal on the web. Usually I hide behind a genderless name and talk to others but not about me.
I know this forum isn’t for this type of thing, (all the talking and long stories) but I just wondered if any of this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone has ever felt any of these things and what you think now or did about it?
Thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Janet, if there are things you'd rather not post here. send them to me via email. I may take a while to find the time to reply but I will when I can.

Sometimes, filling your time / life / head up with helping other people can be very therapeutic, but it can also be a way of avoiding looking at what is bothering or distressing or causing problems for YOU. It's difficult, especially when your role is usually the helper, to ask for help. But it is important to recognize that there is a YOU in there who needs your help as much as other people.

 

[Laurie]

Thanks Dr. Baxter. At this point I would have to send you the messy, incomplete, disorganized version that is probably very tiring to read. But it seems to be the best I can do right now. I would be grateful for any way to smooth it over so I can deal with it. If that isn't possible, maybe I can learn to accept that somehow. I just need to not be feeling the way I am every day. And if you started reading it and changed your mind that's ok too. I just appreciate tremendously your willingness and generosity.
And yes, I am the helper so it's not ok for me to need help. "I just need to rise above it and go on..." I think I have hit the end of the road and I see other roads out there, but I can't reach them. And which one should I take? I must figure this out.
Also, helping others does help me too, but it also opens up stuff I am always surprised to see. I think I am learning that I don't know how to help myself. Yet.
Thanks again for you and for this website.

 

[jubjub]

Laurie, after reading your post, I realized you sound a lot like me!

You indicated you have tried to write and rewrite about your life in a way that shows you are "okay" with the way things are. Why do it that way, if you KNOW you are not OKAY with those things? Writing honestly and truthfully to the best of your ability about situations in your life is probably the best way to go, even if you don't want to publicly share them here at this site. Whatever you finally come up with, it is bound to sound erratic, confusing and totally out of order because so many thoughts will pop into your head at random.

You were speaking of feeling detached, like events that happened to you were not real. I feel this way a lot of the time. To me it often seems like real life is something that other people live, but I am just a spectator. I have a twin sister, and I think that has something to do with the fact that I can never think of myself as an individual.

You certainly dont' sound like a "coward", "unimportant", "self-important" or "needy"! It is quite a courageous thing to do to try and evaluate your life and make positive improvements, no matter what age you are.

I must admit that I am sometimes inexplicably fearful of everyday situations that other people wouldn't think twice about, such as taking the car in for service, applying for a loan from the bank, looking for a new place to live, making a major purchase.......everyday things. I feel that whoever is in charge will take one look at me and kind of sneer or look down their nose at me because I am not good/respectable/rich/classy/responsible enough, and I will leave the situation embarrassed and rejected. This never happens, so why do I unreasonably think it will? I feel like a small child inside a lot of the time, and I am not sure why, really.

I hope you continue to come here looking for answers to your questions. There is no such thing as a stupid question! There is no such thing as writing something here that will sound silly or odd. Lord knows, I have done it a number of times!

 

[Laurie]

You indicated you have tried to write and rewrite about your life in a way that shows you are "okay" with the way things are. Why do it that way, if you KNOW you are not OKAY with those things? Writing honestly and truthfully to the best of your ability about situations in your life is probably the best way to go, even if you don't want to publicly share them here at this site. Whatever you finally come up with, it is bound to sound erratic, confusing and totally out of order because so many thoughts will pop into your head at random

Wow! Thanks jubjub - this was so helpful! You are right. I think part of it is that I fool myself into thinking I am ok with it and then things happen in my life that show me that I am not. But you're right. I am trying to force an issue that is wrong. I guess that's why it's so much work. I think I want things to be ok so if I can make them sound ok then it's easier to pretend that they are ok. What a mess!
And you are also right, it is almost impossible to put things in order - they are completely random! And I'm a neatness freak! So it drives me crazy.
I think it would be very relieving to share these things on this post someday. Maybe in little bits and pieces. Then maybe with it out in the open I wouldn't need to always hide it. I don't know if it would really be ok to do it, I don't know if it would offend people, but also, when I was typing it out I felt this huge relief to because I had 'let it out' and told myself that 'I would never have to tell anyone because typing worked just fine'. The problem is that it only lasted for a couple of days and then I wanted answers again that I didn't have.
So, today I sent it to Dr. Baxter and now I'm just nervous and shaky inside. I never know if I should really be talking about it or not. I will think about this some more.... Your thoughts are very comforting to me - thank you for sharing them with me.

To me it often seems like real life is something that other people live, but I am just a spectator

EXACTLY! You could not have said this better. I have been trying so hard this year to begin living my life (whatever that is) and it just seems like my efforts are in vain. My brain tells me this isn't true, that even just trying is a good thing and eventually it will lead me somewhere, but I guess I'm just discouraged right now for some reason. I just hate it when I can't figure out what is bothering me. Do you ever get like that?
And yes, I feel like I watch everyone else live and do my part to help them live better, but I don't really live. I can't imagine the struggle of being a twin and trying to have your own identity. I have worked with two sets of twins and I know it has frustrated all of them at how they are always viewed as 'they' instead of 'you'.

You certainly dont' sound like a "coward", "unimportant", "self-important" or "needy"! It is quite a courageous thing to do to try and evaluate your life and make positive improvements, no matter what age you are.

Thank you for putting it this way. It does make me feel better. I'm always so embarrassed by the (personal) things I say, so then I just quit talking cause I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for seeing this as a positive thing and something I want to overcome. I really, really appreciate that. Contrary to how I must look on this forum, I'm actually a very positive person and I think that's what makes this hard to do. I have to speak of negative things and risk weighing others down in order rise above this. I guess I struggle with "what gives me the right to risk affecting someone else negatively" and I don't want to be thought of as a negative person so I'd just rather not 'go there'.

I must admit that I am sometimes inexplicably fearful of everyday situations that other people wouldn't think twice about, such as taking the car in for service, applying for a loan from the bank, looking for a new place to live, making a major purchase.......

I get like this too, but I'm very inconsistent about it. Are you? I think whatever mood I'm in really affects this fear. Sometimes it will be no big deal and other times I can't even attempt it. I have tried figuring out what is behind it. I wonder if it's really a lack of confidence or low self-worth? I have a hard time accepting good things in life. Matter of fact, I hardly ever do - and I accidentally offend people because of it. Then I feel even worse.

There is no such thing as writing something here that will sound silly or odd. Lord knows, I have done it a number of times!

I have read a lot of your posts and I'm very glad you say what you do. I like your perspective and I learn a lot from you. Thank you for the reassurance.

 

[Enigma]

I just wondered if any of this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone has ever felt any of these things and what you think now or did about it?

What you have written all makes sense to me. Maybe we have a similar way of thinking as your post in my thread suggests.

Nothing I do seems to be the answer. This tells me the problem is me.

Maybe the problem is the other people around you who fail to realize your depths. Sometimes it is not possible to reach the answer straight away – you might be thrown off on a tangent but this digression might suddenly make it clear that this is the right road to success. There may be roads that lead back to the beginning, but the experience you acquired will make you wiser to help tackle your goals. Therefore, take the road which you are most comfortable with – in essence the light will be the same (that reminds me of a quote I heard a while ago). Throughout life we meet new obstacles, some challenging, some that seem impossible and some that are so easy to solve that we don’t think twice about it.

And yes, I am the helper so it's not ok for me to need help.

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life, however simple or complicated that help may be. I know that I’m afraid of the word “help” when it concerns me – I much prefer to use “guidance”. I believe that sometimes one needs someone to put forward his or her ideas or guidance, so that he/she can say “I never thought about it like that.” It would open our minds to a new perspective – whether or not we follow what they say to the word, we would have gained from another person’s insight. When it comes to resolving something we may not know where to start and might have to call on someone else’s knowledge – but that’s okay, because in the end we can still make our own decision.

Or, why, when I find a place like this, can’t I just let it out and deal with it?? What exactly is this barrier?

From what I’ve read, you seem like a genuinely good person with a heart full of compassion. Perhaps that is the barrier? Because you are so thoughtful of others, you don’t want to say what is bothering you in case it hurts them in any way? You have to be good to yourself as well sometimes and get to the heart of what’s bothering you. This world consists of the “you” and “I” – make room for yourself as well.

I hope you do not find me intrusive as I replied quite late, but I hope what I have written makes sense.

I wish you all the best,
- Enigma

 

[jubjub]

I reread my post to you, Laurie, and realized something about myself. All those situations I mentioned where I become fearful and doubt my abilities are when I am attending to things that involve my husband in some way. I am usually quite confident about my abilities when he is not in the picture, i.e. when I am at work or attending to something alone that doesn't involve him. I become distressed when I think of how to put something to him, what he might think - things like that.

 

[Laurie]

Hi Enigma!

Maybe the problem is the other people around you who fail to realize your depths. Sometimes it is not possible to reach the answer straight away – you might be thrown off on a tangent but this digression might suddenly make it clear that this is the right road to success. There may be roads that lead back to the beginning, but the experience you acquired will make you wiser to help tackle your goals.

Wow. You've said a lot here. I agree that most people cannot go as deep (another reason I like talking on this forum). I think I formed a habit a long time ago not to even try talking to people because they live life at a different level that seems much more simple (for lack of a better word). I think it's good, but it's not me. So, after I finally realized that I'm different in that way, I stopped talking to anyone about myself. It makes it hard to find people who you can converse with when you shut everyone out - I guess I just need to protect myself. Every now and then I meet someone who digs a little deeper than the surface and we develop a nice friendship for a while (usually until they graduate or change jobs). It seems like I'm watching people come and go all the time in my life (which is fine), but I feel like I'm the only thing that is constant.

There may be roads that lead back to the beginning, but the experience you acquired will make you wiser to help tackle your goals.

I do feel like this road is taking me back to the beginning. Unfortunately, I don't really want to go there (but I'm trying again). I have made myself go there before but nothing has ever been resolved, so it just reinforces my desire to push it away - the problem is that it keeps coming back. So, the trick for me is to find out why it keeps returning. Am I subconsciously bringing it back? Or is there some other reason?

take the road which you are most comfortable with – in essence the light will be the same

For some reason, I'm not understanding what you mean here. But I'd like to if you don't mind explaining further.

I believe that sometimes one needs someone to put forward his or her ideas or guidance, so that he/she can say “I never thought about it like that.” It would open our minds to a new perspective

Exactly! That's exactly what I'm always wanting in a friend or "man in my life" but it's very hard to find.

From what I’ve read, you seem like a genuinely good person with a heart full of compassion. Perhaps that is the barrier? Because you are so thoughtful of others, you don’t want to say what is bothering you in case it hurts them in any way? You have to be good to yourself as well sometimes and get to the heart of what’s bothering you. This world consists of the “you” and “I” – make room for yourself as well.

Thanks for all of this! You're right. I don't want to hurt people or bring them down even when it's necessary for me to work something out. So I never do. Isn't it funny that here (in this forum)we all are here with our own struggles and yet we can share them with each other and we all seem ok with it?? At least that's the way it seems to me. I hope I'm right.

 

[Laurie]

Hi jubjub,

All those situations I mentioned where I become fearful and doubt my abilities are when I am attending to things that involve my husband in some way. I am usually quite confident about my abilities when he is not in the picture, i.e. when I am at work or attending to something alone that doesn't involve him. I become distressed when I think of how to put something to him, what he might think - things like that.

I'm so sorry for you. This must be very difficult. Is your husband very critical? It reminds me of my Mom. Our relationship is like this. (My daughter and I have lived with her for 22 years) I am great by myself. And mostly I never talk to her cause when I do everything seems wrong and I'm completely on the defensive. We hide movies, conversations, and basically - life - from her because she disagrees with almost everything we do or think. Why/how does what your husband think distress you?? I can't imagine how you must feel ....

 

[jubjub]

I am distressed because he is a moody, loud mouthed control freak who always shoves me in front when any kind of actual decision has to be made about anything and then criticizes the way I handle it. He tells me the same stories over and over again as if I am a seven year old who is supposed to gain some previously unknown nugget of knowledge from his perceptions of everything in this world. That's another major problem. He thinks everyone should agree with him because he is always RIGHT. So basically I let him rant and prophesize and tune him out totally.

 

[Laurie]

I am distressed because he is a moody, loud mouthed control freak who always shoves me in front when any kind of actual decision has to be made about anything and then criticizes the way I handle it.

Wow! My mom does this. Well, the pushing me in front thing. But she doesn't always criticize me - hmm... she does question me and she does often criticize - mostly, she will agree at the time (cause she doesn't make decisions either) and later, she will wonder why something happend the way it did. I'm thinking, well, you asked me what I thought, or made me take care of whatever, agreed at the time, and this is the consequence of that decision. Ugh! Why don't they get it?? My Mom repeats herself too. You know, I've been blaming all of this (and the moodiness too) on menapause, old age, grief over losing my Father, etc...but maybe this is something else. Not that those things don't have an impact, but you've got me thinking......
Heh, and she has always wanted people to see things her way and agree with her. And I tune her out. It gets tiring huh?