The Abusive Mother

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

The Abusive Mother
by Nancy Davis, Ph.D.
2005

Messages the Abusive Woman uses to control her children:

I am a wonderful mother and you owe me for having taken care of you and raised you because I sacrificed so much for you. You are responsible for my happiness and I should be the central person in your life for the rest of your life.

You owe it to me to tell me everything that is going on in your life so that I can use it to manipulate and control you and give you guilt.

If you try to pull away from me and become strong, healthy and independent, I will come on stronger…calling you more and more; talking to relatives (siblings) about you so they will call you and make you feel guilty; make myself sick so you will have to communicate with me because you will be afraid I might die and you would take responsibility for this (of course, I want you to believe this because it works every time); use every guilt trick I can think of, embarrass you with my outrageous behavior. I disregard normal cues to back off, shut-up, change or compromise. If anything, the cues you give make me come on stronger, using guilt and the distortion of your belief systems that I taught you as a child. I will hound you until I get my way, no matter how long it takes or the extent of the outrageous behaviors I must go through to do this.

I have a right to invade your privacy as a person because you are an extension of me. You have no self and I will never let you have a self, if I can use guilt or manipulation to keep you from having one.

I really don’t like you…I am really incapable of liking or loving anyone but myself.

I believe you should give me unconditional love, respect, time, attention. However, I will rarely give you any of this because you don’t deserve it because you have never given me enough. I will make you believe that if only you will do whatever it is I want that day that I will give you love and like you, but I am acting and conning you.

I will get my way no matter what it takes because I deserve to get my way. Your needs (you shouldn’t have needs except to serve my needs) are unimportant and I don’t even notice them except to use them to manipulate you.

I will give you gifts, but they always have strings attached because if you try to do something I don’t want you to do, I will remind you that you owe me. I am incapable of getting joy from giving a gift freely. I am incapable of empathy or caring that someone else is hurting, especially you. In fact, if I can make you hurt to get you to do what I want, that’s great!!!

How dare you even think that you can have an intimate relationship with someone besides me, especially if they are strong, independent people who teach you what I really am about? I will do whatever it takes to disrupt those relationships.

You do not have the right to be happy if I am not happy. In fact, your happiness should only depend on making me happy…nothing else.

I really don’t care if you are successful or not, except if I can use your accomplishments and brag about you to make me look better or I can use the money you make. In fact, I would rather you would be dysfunctional, divorced, alone, et cetera and living near me so that I could use you for my bidding. If you are weak and unhappy and guilt-ridden, you are easier to use. I also love complaining to those around me that you treat me very poorly and are ungrateful because this gets them to feel sympathy for me.

I don’t want you and your brothers and sisters to be happy and like each other. It serves my interests more if I can play you against one another, because when I do that I am the center of everyone’s life and I get attention and what I want.

I love to create chaos. I don’t want people around me to be happy, stress free, and content. If I sense that you are happy, I am going to use every trick in my book to make you miserable and upset. I don’t want you to have friends. I should be enough for you.

Your opinions and decisions are poor compared to mine. If you would just listen to me and do everything I say, then you would be smart. I know what is best for you.

Reality is what I tell you it is. This has nothing to do with the truth or what really has happened. I can change reality by believing it is different.

I am a master of behavior modification. If you do what I want, I reward you…perhaps by occasionally saying something nice or kind to you or maybe by just not harassing you. If you do not do what I want, I will do everything I can to make you miserable until you give me what I want. I really don’t care what this does to you because your ability to be happy should always depend on whether I am happy.

I intentionally keep you hypervigilent as to my moods. You should always be aware of whether I am happy so you can do whatever it takes to make me happy, if I am not. Of course, I am never really happy. I constantly change what it is that would make me happy because I rarely want you to feel successful in making me happy, except when you are my puppet and do everything I want you to do. It is easier for me to control you if I keep you feeling inadequate and unsuccessful.

Although I constantly strive to make you feel guilty, I am incapable of feeling guilt. Why should I feel guilt? I am perfect and never wrong. I also don’t have a conscience. Why should I feel guilt? I am always right. I am entitled to do whatever I want to do regardless of laws and rules because I am superior to everyone. Laws do not apply to me.

I will treat your children much better than I treated you to teach you that you should have given me unconditional love and there is something wrong with you.

I have instilled in you the sense that I am extremely powerful, unable to be defeated, smarter and more competent than you; better than you at everything. I will never give up to get my way and it won’t be worth the price you will have to pay for not giving me my way. I have instilled in you a sense of incompetence, insecurity, powerlessness, and an inability to compete with me. I have intentionally kept our relationship as one of mother to small child so that you will quake when I am unhappy and give me my way to satisfy me and always be trying to please me in order to get me to love you. Your non-verbal sense of me is that I am powerful, scary, dangerous, superior to you, smarter and more capable than you and that you cannot take me on as an equal ever, even as an adult. When you were a young child, I made sure that you were unsuccessful in having your needs met when you were dealing with me time and time again so that you came to believe that you could never be successful in meeting your own needs before mine.

 

[moneypenny]

I am new here an this has just summed up for me the life i have had an still have with my mother an i am 54 an still in her grip,she is 78 now an still pits me against my sister who can see no wrong with mum an views me as "something wrong with you sis to think this about our mum".

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yep... Sneaky, our moms. Chameleons... Some kind of monster that shows something shiny and pretty to one side of the family and the other side to a few unfortunate others. Sometimes they get figured out. If someone was able to see through the shiny side, they'd be a bit shocked at what they saw. At least we are fortunate enough to actually know what she really is.

Take away her power. Set boundaries. Refuse to talk to her if she doesn't respect your boundaries. It took me years, but I finally cut off all communication with my mother this last spring. I'm back in therapy though, but then again, I need it. Still trying to erase all the programming she stuck in there. The world isn't the way she taught me. 8P

My psychologist was the one who confirmed my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder... Make sure you know for sure before you go acting on assumptions... It's very validating to have a professional psychologist tell you that a lot of problems you have in your life are because of HER, and several things you thought were horrible about yourself were completely baseless and incorrect. Then you could always say you have proof that YOU weren't the crazy one, SHE is! lol

 

[heatherly]

hi moneypenny,

i am one to say that i am glad that my mother died because i felt a sense of relief from the suffering she caused, but my sisters took over. we were always pitted against each other, and it seems my sisters believed Mom's assessment of me. one apologize for the harm she caused me; the other who was in cahoots with her, didn't. so now the one who apologized thinks i should apologize. i am a wreck, torn between guilt and exasperation. i wish neither of them were in my life now but guilt keeps me there. i am going back to the therapist to see how i can deal with this.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey Heatherly,

Sounds like the one who apologized to you has placed herself in the role of "fixer." That's a role I can relate to. If there was conflict in our family I was always trying to smooth things over. But in this case she can't fix everything. She thinks that if you apologize (which I don't think you have to) then you'll all be sisters together again. She seems to be thinking "peace at all costs" - which is why she's thinking you should be sorry for something you didn't do, or you should apologize for putting up healthy boundaries. She sounds like she may be still stuck in her old role.

This might illustrate what I am trying to say:
Narcissists Suck: The High Price of Peace at Any Cost

Basically your sister, perhaps without meaning to, is trying to get you to enable the other to continue abusing you. She just wants everyone to get along, but she doesn't seem to see that for everyone to get along everyone has to walk on eggshells around the sister who still blames you/believes you are a thief.

 

[GDPR]

Thanks for posting this jolly. I was a little surprised to be reading about my own mother in it. Except it went to such an extreme that she(well both parents actually) had me followed when my husband and I were first together. That way they knew everything I said and did,and made sure they let me know exactly what I did or didn't do that they didn't approve of.

 

[heatherly]

My fixer sister believes that we should all just "get over it." No matter what they do to me, you just let it go. And the abuse continues.

My one sister who can't take the blame, can't apologize, has always been a fixer, but she isn't trying to fix this. She just keeps saying that she didn't believe that I was a thief. She also knows that in the past I have always come around, have given in. She can wait it out.

My problem with her and my other sister is that they don't consider what they are doing is abusive. When David posted something the other day, it clicked as to why they can't feel my hurt. He posted: "Narcissists do not consider the pain they inflict on others; nor do they give any credence to others' perceptions," says Dr. Les Carter in the book, Enough of You, Let's Talk About Me.

I kept telling my other friends that they don't seem to understand why I am hurt; it was as if I should not have feelings. Even my niece said, Get over it! We love you! But the second part of this comment is something else I kept telling my friends: If I tell them something that I feel or tell them that I am no longer a friend with someone because for a very good reason, or tell them anything, my perceptions are always wrong to them. And this is why I don't like to talk with them, because they discount my perceptions. I did not know it was a narcissist tendency. This hurts almost more than their not having empathy. Anymore if I talk to the one sister who apologized I have to be very superficial. Keep my feelings to myself.

 

[poppy111]

i am also a fixer... peace whatever the cost. my mums problem with me, was that i refused to fall out with my sisters because she told me to.

i know what my mum is, and just accepted and tried to get on... but when i can see shes being nice to me and my partner because its my sisters turn. My vision is cloudy because she is being so nice, gifts, treats, takes my child on a holiday, shes speaking to my partner like a human being..... its so nice to not be hated...... and then totally devouring my sisters husband for standing up to her.

I cant turn a blind eye. 3 sisters have finally stood up to her and said enough! we've sent emails to her, saying she's wrong....
and the next is a message from my dad telling me to stay away, and another message from my other sister (whos the scapegoat but now getting all the attention she has ever wanted) calling me disgusting....

And i think its all very sad.... because my children wont see their grandparents... but then why should i let her see them when she is saying nasty things all the time in front of them....
thank you for the first post, i emailed it to my sisters.... the ones that see clearly.
i am not a small child... i am a woman with a family... and i must remember that i call the shots!!! not her!
and also, i can have her condition confirmed if i get councilling??? surely they would need to assess her... but that obviously will never happen coz she's more of an uncontrollable dragon. they would needs tazer darts or something.

 

[Sonya]

I'm starting to realize that I have chosen friends who are narcissists.

Only in the past few months have I done my homework and figured out that my mother is and always was a narcissist.

I now see see this trait in two of my closest friends. I find myself testing them when we talk. I have a check list of things that narcissist tend to do (thanks to this forum), and both of them have a lot of the N characteristics. They aren't cruel (to my knowledge) like my NM, but they must be the center of attention and any subject I bring up is swiftly shifted back to them.

Am I reading too much into this? How does one know if a friend is a narcissist?

One of my friends recently invited me to an exercise class. She spent almost the entire time talking about herself, her "gifts", her wonderful children, etc., to the point that others were looking at their watches and looking at me as if to say "does she ever shut up?". This was during the "introduction circle", which, thanks to her, lasted about 30 minutes, leaving only about 20 minutes for exercising. It was a one-hour class!

She also calls me 2-3 times a day with nothing much to say except to tell me everything she has done that day, which is always boring.

I told her I had a toothache one day, which I did, and she pretended as though she didn't hear me, and kept talking about herself, her animals, her children, her flowers (all of which are exceptional), of course.

I have gone "no contact" with my NM.

Are victims of narcissistic mothers prone to find narcissistic friends? If so, how do we weed these people out before we develop a friendship with them?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm starting to realize that I have chosen friends who are narcissists.

No. Friends who you think may possibly be narcissists? Maybe.

in the past few months have I done my homework and figured out that my mother is and always was a narcissist.

Possibly. Possibly not.

I now see see this trait in two of my closest friends. I find myself testing them when we talk. I have a check list of things that narcissist tend to do (thanks to this forum), and both of them have a lot of the N characteristics. They aren't cruel (to my knowledge) like my NM, but they must be the center of attention and any subject I bring up is swiftly shifted back to them.

That doesn't make them narcissists.

Am I reading too much into this?

Yes, probably.

How does one know if a friend is a narcissist?

Have the friend assessed by someone who has the expertise and legal authority to diagnose.

 

[Sonya]

Thank you, Dr. Baxter.

I am not a good judge of character and, after 45 years of being played by my NM, I seem to be judging my friends and others with a critical eye, expecting the worst. I just don't ever want to get close to another narcissist.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I think I've been a little overly cautious/hyper vigilant about traits in people, especially the last few years (since I found out my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum)... I know there IS such a thing as healthy Narcissism... But right now I'm seeing Narcissistic traits in practically everyone. I'm certain, though, that I am over-reacting to a certain degree, and somewhat isolated myself from relationships as a result. I'm starting from scratch.

This is a slower process for me... I used to jump into any kind of relationship head first without looking, and usually ended up miserable. Now I've swung to the opposite of that. At some point I expect I will become comfortable enough to expect healthy people to have some Narcissistic traits and not jump to conclusions that because they are showing some of those traits that I should completely cut them off... I am still learning assertiveness, but it's coming along...

My suggestion is, if you personally find things offensive that people are doing, I've learned, you need to make them aware of that. If you don't you are being too passive. Take from me, the Passive Aggressive Queen. I used to take bad behaviour or abuse from people and pretend everything was fine. Stuffed my feelings down. It would settle and erupt at a later date into frustration, anger and anxiety. See, this is neither healthy for me nor is it going to help me. I had some bad role models, mind you, but nowadays I more readily tell someone to stop what they are doing in the most polite manner I can. And if that doesn't work, I may give them one more chance... But ultimately, if they don't respect me and are so concerned with themselves that they continue to mistreat me, then I either lower contact or break it off all together.

There are some "me" people out there who are still very nice, but once in a while they rub me the wrong way. It's only fair to let someone know when they're being a douche, because some people are completely oblivious and were raised differently or maybe they are just having a brain fart or just happen to be feeling a little more full of themselves for some reason...

But I think it's probably understandable that your cautionary alarms go off for practically everyone's behaviour. Because now that you're looking for it, it's noticeable... You know when you look at a page and you are skimming for a word? That word will jump out at you, when before, when you were looking at the page you either just saw a wall of text or you were seeing the images in the story whilst you read them. But now that you are focused on one word, you can spot it everywhere.

That's how it feels to me anyway. I am slowly making some friends outside of this forum and outside of FB, and in fact we've been invited to go to Arizona on Canadian Thanksgiving with another family! Wow... I even had a girl from work ask me out to lunch again, which before when I've gone to lunch with a few people, they never wanted to go out for lunch again.

Sorry, I think I'm rambling. Just like old times...

Good times...

 

[Sonya]

Exactly how I feel, Jolly. I have been very passive in the past because that is how I was trained by the NM. To speak your mind, was to face her wrath. I am a "stuffer" too. I take and take and then I explode and become a raging lunatic.

It is just like when you look for a word on a page. I notice narcissistic traits in almost everyone, but that doesn't mean they are full-on narcissists. I have become hyper vigilant in looking for N traits in people to the point that it interferes with my having a good time with them.

This is especially troublesome since I spent so much of my life in silence, feeling unworthy of friends. That has changed and I am very outgoing and probably talk too much - making up for lost time!

I go to lunch with someone from work almost everyday. I wish I could just enjoy their company without analyzing them. For so many years, I went home for lunch and watched tv and ate a sandwich.

I need to get over it because it is just another grip that my NM has on me.

I have considered doing exactly what you said, bringing the unsettling behavior to the attention of my friends, especially the one who doesn't seem to hear what I say and dominates our conversations. Her husband, who is a former co-worker of mine, even pointed it out to her when we were on the phone. He asked her why she does all of the talking when we are on the phone. Maybe if I mention it too, she will get the hint. If not, I think it will be time to move along.

You were not rambling. It is very reassuring to know that someone else feels exactly as I do. Even after going "no contact", it doesn't end. I guess it will just take a while to start trusting people and speaking my mind.

We all have faults but I just have such a fear of getting rooked by another N.

I even look for N traits in myself because I think narcissists do not truly know what they do to other people.

I am glad to hear that you are making more friends too. It's about time we start living our lives instead of being leashed to the beast.

 

[heatherly]

I read that we are all a little narcissistic. I wouldn't be too quick to call your friends narcissistic. I would ask myself, do you enjoy being with them? Do they add to your life? Are they kind people? Do you have things in common? Etc. If you are not enjoying their company, then maybe pull away.

I have a friend who doesn't respond whenever I am hurt or sick. It bugs me, but I try to let it go because there are other things I like about her. She is kind to others, she is helpful to them, she is giving, etc.

I sometimes bring things back to me, and I am always thinking, this seems narcissistic. I worry about it because I took a test in my youth at college, and it said I was narcissistic. I am different now than that person that I was and only hope I am not as much of a narcissist now.

I would say to not worry about your friends unless their characterists really bother you. You asked do victims of narcissist parents end up with friends that are narcissist? Not always. I have had very caring friends, and once in a while I will make a friend with someone and think, Ugh. "She is just like my mother." The friendship doesn't last. My sister, who I feel is a narcissist, has no friends like her. Neither did my mother.

---------- Post Merged at 06:50 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:39 AM ----------

Take from me, the Passive Aggressive Queen. I used to take bad behaviour or abuse from people and pretend everything was fine. Stuffed my feelings down. It would settle and erupt at a later date into frustration, anger and anxiety.

I have done the same. It isn't easy. For me, I always felt that I should accept them as they are, and when they hurt me, I try to let it go, and then when I can't anymore, I have gathered up so many "bad points" that I am angry. I am working very hard on this one. Better to choose your friends well. And if you find a friend that you know you can't speak up to, then quietly move away.

 

[rdw]

I think as girls we were taught to be passive aggressive. Girls are taught to be "nice". That combined with women viewing others and the world through their emotions makes us all vulnerable to over reactions. My comments here are an over all view of culture and how girls are raised.

 

[Darkside]

I wrote this a few months ago.


Jingle, jingle, jingle ... look at me, look at me.
Aren't I wonderful, look at me.
Yeah, you're alright, but look at me look at me


My clothes are fine, and I'm so gorgeous
I'm the star so look at me, look at me
don't think about you, look at me, look at me

Jingle, jingle ... wheeeeee ... look at me.

---------- Post Merged at 10:25 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:57 PM ----------

I think I've been a little overly cautious/hyper vigilant about traits in people, especially the last few years (since I found out my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum)... I know there IS such a thing as healthy Narcissism... But right now I'm seeing Narcissistic traits in practically everyone. I'm certain, though, that I am over-reacting to a certain degree, and somewhat isolated myself from relationships as a result. I'm starting from scratch.

This is a slower process for me... I used to jump into any kind of relationship head first without looking, and usually ended up miserable. Now I've swung to the opposite of that. At some point I expect I will become comfortable enough to expect healthy people to have some Narcissistic traits and not jump to conclusions that because they are showing some of those traits that I should completely cut them off... I am still learning assertiveness, but it's coming along...

My suggestion is, if you personally find things offensive that people are doing, I've learned, you need to make them aware of that. If you don't you are being too passive. Take from me, the Passive Aggressive Queen. I used to take bad behaviour or abuse from people and pretend everything was fine. Stuffed my feelings down. It would settle and erupt at a later date into frustration, anger and anxiety. See, this is neither healthy for me nor is it going to help me. I had some bad role models, mind you, but nowadays I more readily tell someone to stop what they are doing in the most polite manner I can. And if that doesn't work, I may give them one more chance... But ultimately, if they don't respect me and are so concerned with themselves that they continue to mistreat me, then I either lower contact or break it off all together.

There are some "me" people out there who are still very nice, but once in a while they rub me the wrong way. It's only fair to let someone know when they're being a douche, because some people are completely oblivious and were raised differently or maybe they are just having a brain fart or just happen to be feeling a little more full of themselves for some reason...

But I think it's probably understandable that your cautionary alarms go off for practically everyone's behaviour. Because now that you're looking for it, it's noticeable... You know when you look at a page and you are skimming for a word? That word will jump out at you, when before, when you were looking at the page you either just saw a wall of text or you were seeing the images in the story whilst you read them. But now that you are focused on one word, you can spot it everywhere.

That's how it feels to me anyway. I am slowly making some friends outside of this forum and outside of FB, and in fact we've been invited to go to Arizona on Canadian Thanksgiving with another family! Wow... I even had a girl from work ask me out to lunch again, which before when I've gone to lunch with a few people, they never wanted to go out for lunch again.

Sorry, I think I'm rambling. Just like old times...

Good times...

This is very good advice and about the best any of us can do. If you grew up in an abusive home you were probably taught that personal boundaries were not allowed. Good boundaries make a person very difficult to control. When we learn boundaries as adults we (at least I have) tend to go in the extreme and become too careful. I believe that is a normal process as long as we don't become permanently prickly.