The Best Way to Solve a Problem: Give Up

[David Baxter PhD]

The Best Way to Solve a Problem: Give Up
Illuminated Minds
December 11, 2008

Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem. Sometimes the smartest choice is giving up.

I don?t think that giving up should be your primary method for dealing with problems. But there are certainly a lot of cases where it just seems to be the most intelligent answer.

The more I stop trying to force things to happen, the more they just seem to sort themselves out. The more I let things happen, the less time I spend trying to make them happen.

Giving up is really about honoring your feelings. It?s about giving up trying to force yourself into a mold of societal shoulds and embracing your true self.

So here?s an invitation to?

• Give up trying to be cool.
• Give up your golden handcuffs.
• Give up wanting to be a famous musician, artist, architect, thinker, writer, whatever-it-is. Maybe it?s smarter to make your purpose to have an impact, instead.
• Give up wanting to be different for the sake of being unique.
• Give up trying to be perfect.
• Give up keeping relationships with people you don?t really like.
• Give up trying to be the center of attention.
• Give up trying to be important. (Focusing on community is usually more fulfilling.)
• Give up achieving a lot of ego-driven goals.
• Give up trying to be super-focused. Sometimes the most compelling ideas come from the most messy, unexpected sources.
• Give up trying to be indie.
• Give up trying to popular.
• Give up caring about owning a lot of cool things, which keep you distracted from acknowledging that you don?t like what you?re doing with your life.
• Give up trying to have a perfectly organized workspace and a zero inbox.

With that said, there are a lot of ways we think we?re doing good, but we?re really not.

Counter-intuitive to what you think, it might make more sense to?

• Give up trying to be super happy all the time. Instead, settle for being peaceful.
• Give up needing a reason to share your love. Being alive is reason enough.
• Give up trying to be everything to everyone.
• Give up trying to fit the mold of your race, astrological sign, job title, religious group, political party or other erroneous associations.
• Give up caring about being the smartest, best and fastest. At least don?t let your ego get caught up in it.
• Give up caring about ?being a man? or ?being a woman.? Or doing what is expected of your gender.
• Give up sacrificing your life for an expensive degree that makes you feel important.
• Give up trying to be ultra productive, especially if productivity is making you miserable.
• Give up caring about having a respectable job, a respectable resume, and a respectable life. Replace following a template, with freestyling life.
• Give up trying to constantly improve yourself. Sometimes too much self improvement can cause you to lose sight of the present.
• Give up caring about doing what works.
• Give up thinking you don?t have the time or skills to make your dreams a reality.
• Give up caring about knowing everything in advance before you take action. Put yourself on auto-response instead.
• Give up trying to always find interesting experiences and interesting things to do. Alternatively, be interesting and be interested.
• Give up trying to live up to the expectation of your parents, your friends, your boss, and peers.
• Give up trying to live up to the expectation of? yourself.
• Give up trying to have a flawless body, perfect face, or an impeccable wardrobe. Care more about beautifying your mind and being a person who takes beautiful actions.

Trying to make things happen all the time creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. It?s stressful trying to deny what is.

When I give up, I accept life as it is. No strings attached. No wishing things were different. If an action needs to be taken, I take it. But I?ve given up letting my happiness be dependent on a thing.

Most of these problems only exist within our minds. They?re not real physical problems; they?re simply psychic, imagined obstacles.

It?s interesting how we seem to have so many problems, so many dilemmas. But most of the time the answer to solving them is doing nothing. Giving up.

So, what do you think? Has giving up ever helped you win?

 

[Sparrow]

A very smart article David. Especially the closing statements.

 

[boi]

i liked this article too....I need to give up quite a few things

 

[Daniel E.]

This may get my vote for top 10 article of the year

Most of these problems only exist within our minds. They’re not real physical problems; they’re simply psychic, imagined obstacles.

Reminds me of this quote:

"You don't have any problems; you only think you do."

Wayne Dyer

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I liked that! Very good way of looking at things

 

[Jazzey]

I've viewed this article already a few times today. I didn't respond to it earlier because I did relate to it - but, I'd have too many things to give up... :construction: - (knew I'd find a use for this one) - workin' on it.

 

[Lana]

I've read this article few times. However, every time I read it I get the urge to argue against it! I suppose I'm just wired differently and such "recommendations" would send me into an anxiety rather then calm. In other words, phrase such as "give up" seems way too fatalistic to me and evokes panic.

Having said that, I do see the point being made here and I think it's in line with the Buddhist teachings and what they refer to as one of Basic Life's Principle where the very act of wanting something is what causes suffering. So, stop wanting and the suffering will end. So I'm thinking this is the same.

 

[stargazer]

I've read this article few times. However, every time I read it I get the urge to argue against it!

Interesting. I only skimmed throught the "invitations," (because I've been spending too much time on PsychLinks every morning recently) but I had the same experience as Lana describes, even though I agreed with it for the most part.

I suppose I'm just wired differently and such "recommendations" would send me into an anxiety rather then calm.

That might be true of me, too - if someone suggests I give up striving for success in my musicianshsip, for example.

Having said that, I do see the point being made here and I think it's in line with the Buddhist teachings and what they refer to as one of Basic Life's Principle where the very act of wanting something is what causes suffering. So, stop wanting and the suffering will end. So I'm thinking this is the same.

Yes. I equate "giving up" with "letting go." For example, my daughter has not been speaking to me lately, which has been particularly hurtful over the holiday season. For a time, I kept leaving her phone messages, chat messages, emails, etc. - before I suddenly realized that all I was doing was to try to prove to her that she ought to be speaking to me. This of course would be transparent to her, and it would never work. So I finally just stopped buzzing her. People are suggesting to me that, after a while, she'll wonder how I'm doing, or something will come up that she'll want to talk to me about. But that's probably not going to happen unless I "give up."

 

[Mari]

I equate "giving up" with "letting go."

I like the way you worded your response stargazer. Using the words "giving up" seems so final and harsh whereas "letting go" seems gentler and more open to change. Letting go for the moment with the possibility of revisiting the issue in the future. :heart: Mari

 

[Sparrow]

But most of the time the answer to solving them is doing nothing. Giving up.

Mmm, "giving up" come "letting go". Further, I feel if we give up or just walk away at least some of the time, things can fall right into place naturally.
As if we were :hissyfit: trying :hissyfit: to hard?

 

[Into The Light]

right - it's trying too hard that drains us of energy and that ends up being counterproductive. like anything, i think this is about finding the right balance between being persistent and not overdoing it.

also i think this article is good in that it's basically saying: stop for a second and re-evaluate those goals. are they worth pursuing? are they likely to be reached? are they going to create more misery in the process of attaining them than they would if you just decided they weren't worth the effort? do the benefits outweigh the negatives? would your life really be so much better once you've reached the goal?

if a goal is worthwhile then be persistent. if it's essentially an empty goal, then it's time to let go of it.

 

[stargazer]

right - it's trying too hard that drains us of energy and that ends up being counterproductive.

Yes. That sounds true to me. Also, I think that in many cases, people can tell when we're "trying too hard," and it works against us, because they sense that we've got "too much to prove." People are drawn to us when we aren't trying so hard to prove ourselves.

if a goal is worthwhile then be persistent. if it's essentially an empty goal, then it's time to let go of it.

I have a hard time distinguishing between those two types of goals. I'm wondering whether to keep submitting poetry to the local publication, for example. The guy who runs it keeps rejecting my poetry, and the grounds on which he rejects it don't seem to have anything to do with what I'm trying to say in the poetry.

To get this off my chest (because it's been bugging me), he characterized one of my poems as "racist," and another one as "containing male chauvinism," when neither of the poems was anything of the kind. I even showed them to other poets, people I know on the East Coast, who were equally perplexed. Then I noticed that everyone else in the local poetry groups agreed with him, so I felt like "giving up."

On the other hand, it's possible that I might write something that meets his submission guidelines (whatever they are), just by perservering. In other words, if I were to submit a large enough number of poems, surely one of them would be good enough - after all, he's accepted four of them in the past.

But is it worth it? I'm not really a poet - and I know it. :jiggy:.

 

[Sparrow]

To Stargazer,
Re:

Originally Posted by Into The Light
if a goal is worthwhile then be persistent. if it's essentially an empty goal, then it's time to let go of it.

I agree with you, it can be a very tricky pickle to tell the difference sometimes SG.

But to have a "professional" opinion judge your goals? I would have to take that with a LARGE lump of salt even if I'm not cynical. And even if you are a crummy poet, the sky is still the limit with a journey that may prove more fruitful than the destination. Short of a deadend though, I would be very careful not to beat myself up too much over futility (theres the balance again).

The Arts are full of rejections, be it writing, acting or what have you.
That is not to say there is no success though.

Why does The Dead Poet's Society come to my mind?

:support: to you SG

 

[stargazer]

Well...

I was sort of "dabbling" in poetry anyway. I took exactly one poetry class in college, and in those days, the T.A. who taught the class encouraged us all to smoke marijuana in order to get better ideas. Possibly, this resulted in my knowing next-to-nothing about poetry.

The fellow who runs the local poetry ring is a very admirable man, but he does have a thought disorder. And most of the people in the group, including myself, are on some kind of disability. This would be further reason for me to take his opinions, rejections, etc.; with a "grain of salt."

I went into it with the general idea that if I ever had a really "dark" feeling or thought, a good place to "channel" it would be into a poem, so as to get it out of my system. The philosophy of the group leader is more along the lines of that if it isn't positive or edifying, it ought not to be in print.

I did, however, object to his particular criticisms. I think he was reading things into my work that simply were not there. So as it stands now, I still stay in contact with one of the gang -- a person who happened to throw several thousand dollars into my musical project some years ago, so I could get the songs to a studio. I find him to be a pretty nice guy, and reasonable, and a hard worker, if hypomanic.

But I've pretty much split the scene, as far as everyone else is concerned. It's not even a matter of me being a good poet or a bad poet - I'm just not a poet at all. I think I'll stick to songwriting - in which Lyrics are a completely different animal than Poetry, being as Lyrics and Music need to interfuse into One. This is what I've been focusing on since I was seven years old - so IDK - maybe it's my *comfort zone."

Thanks for your feedback, Sparrow.

 

[solitary man]

I know in the past, I've fallen into the belief if I have one specific thing, or made friends with one specific person, my life would be complete.

Looking back now, the things that I strived for and got, it was the journey and not the destination that made it feel fulfilling.

After reading the initial post, the main thing I've given up is trying to re-establish the friendship with my ex-friend.

The same time and energy can now be spent on meeting new people and realizing that people like me for me.

A friend of mine, who passed away last week, told me to focus your time on the people who love you, and not on the ones who don't.

She's right, and she told me that if I fell into my self pity mode for too long, she's going to kick me in my sleep.

I don't doubt her.

 

[Jazzey]

A friend of mine, who passed away last week, told me to focus your time on the people who love you, and not on the ones who don't.

Hi Solitary man,

I'm sorry for your loss :support:. I think she had some words of wisdom for you.....