David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The Legacy of Distorted Love: Recognizing, understanding and overcoming the debilitating impact of maternal narcissism
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
March 14, 2010
First Steps: How it Feels, Not How it Looks!
An anonymous client tells me this, ? I wish there were a mental health diagnosis for serial grief. I am not mentally ill. Mostly just sad and grieving the vision of the mother I so desperately wanted.?
If you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent and seriously looking at recovery, it is important to work through the grief process. This means grieving the mother or father you did not have and grieving the little child you did not get to be. Taking this precious time to allow yourself to feel the feelings is the key to recovery.
Children of narcissists do not learn how to deal effectively with feelings. They learn to deny, stuff, and pretend that everything is A-OK. ?Put a smile on that pretty little face and act like everything is perfect in this family? is a common theme that recovering daughters report. The pressure is strong to not be real.
Most people in therapy hate this stage of recovery and understandably so, as this is the most difficult step. The first stage of diagnosis and understanding is enlightening and cognitive, the last step is reframing, moving on, and viewing things from a different lens, but this middle step where one must deal with the feelings is just plain hard. Many times therapy is not successful, because the step of working through the difficult feelings is conveniently skipped.
The people around us do not encourage this. ?Get over it already?, ? It?s in the past, let it go?, ?you?re acting like a victim?, etc? are common responses from others who do not understand the importance of this. Then, we tend to do this to ourselves too. ?I feel like a baby?, ?I feel like I?m feeling sorry for myself ?, as the old internalized messages re-surface and the familiar denial reasserts itself. I cannot say enough, or remind too many times that without the grief process, recovery does not work. I believe that when trauma is unresolved and sitting in the body, it will not accept a new world view and tends to reject easily the new thoughts or messages we try to use to replace the old. But, magically, when trauma is resolved because it is processed and felt, a new acceptance of self and definition of self comes alive and tends to stay put.
My last posting was about acceptance. Acceptance and grief are the first steps to recovery for adult children of narcissistic parents. I encourage you to embrace the first steps. If you need assistance, come join us as we continue to offer resources at www.nevergoodenough.com and on our new radio show, Good Enough Rocks Radio, an Internet Radio Show just for you. We welcome your calls and questions and details can be found on the website listed above. Recovery does Rock! There is hope and healing for those who take the plunge. You will be welcomed in the new sisterhood that is growing nationally and internationally and if you are a male there are resources for you too.
Beware of guilt as you start this process. One client told me that the narcissistic family would be very upset if they knew she was doing recovery work. She aptly says that she was always told, ? The bird shits in its own nest, don?t take it elsewhere.? Ok, well put, but what happens if it stays within us and does not get resolution?many know the answer to this searing question.
Karyl McBride, Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
March 14, 2010
First Steps: How it Feels, Not How it Looks!
An anonymous client tells me this, ? I wish there were a mental health diagnosis for serial grief. I am not mentally ill. Mostly just sad and grieving the vision of the mother I so desperately wanted.?
If you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent and seriously looking at recovery, it is important to work through the grief process. This means grieving the mother or father you did not have and grieving the little child you did not get to be. Taking this precious time to allow yourself to feel the feelings is the key to recovery.
Children of narcissists do not learn how to deal effectively with feelings. They learn to deny, stuff, and pretend that everything is A-OK. ?Put a smile on that pretty little face and act like everything is perfect in this family? is a common theme that recovering daughters report. The pressure is strong to not be real.
Most people in therapy hate this stage of recovery and understandably so, as this is the most difficult step. The first stage of diagnosis and understanding is enlightening and cognitive, the last step is reframing, moving on, and viewing things from a different lens, but this middle step where one must deal with the feelings is just plain hard. Many times therapy is not successful, because the step of working through the difficult feelings is conveniently skipped.
The people around us do not encourage this. ?Get over it already?, ? It?s in the past, let it go?, ?you?re acting like a victim?, etc? are common responses from others who do not understand the importance of this. Then, we tend to do this to ourselves too. ?I feel like a baby?, ?I feel like I?m feeling sorry for myself ?, as the old internalized messages re-surface and the familiar denial reasserts itself. I cannot say enough, or remind too many times that without the grief process, recovery does not work. I believe that when trauma is unresolved and sitting in the body, it will not accept a new world view and tends to reject easily the new thoughts or messages we try to use to replace the old. But, magically, when trauma is resolved because it is processed and felt, a new acceptance of self and definition of self comes alive and tends to stay put.
My last posting was about acceptance. Acceptance and grief are the first steps to recovery for adult children of narcissistic parents. I encourage you to embrace the first steps. If you need assistance, come join us as we continue to offer resources at www.nevergoodenough.com and on our new radio show, Good Enough Rocks Radio, an Internet Radio Show just for you. We welcome your calls and questions and details can be found on the website listed above. Recovery does Rock! There is hope and healing for those who take the plunge. You will be welcomed in the new sisterhood that is growing nationally and internationally and if you are a male there are resources for you too.
Beware of guilt as you start this process. One client told me that the narcissistic family would be very upset if they knew she was doing recovery work. She aptly says that she was always told, ? The bird shits in its own nest, don?t take it elsewhere.? Ok, well put, but what happens if it stays within us and does not get resolution?many know the answer to this searing question.
Karyl McBride, Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
