indestructible
Member
Hello - I have found the posts on this forum helpful so far, and I would like to ask about a dilemma I am having.
I am a 34-year old woman, and I am pregnant with my first child (7 months). With the pregnancy, I started to get very concerned about my upbringing, and how it would affect me as a mother. Everything will be so new for the baby, and I don't want history to be repeated for him.*
Here is my story: My mother was a narcissist and an alcoholic and my father died of cancer when I was 5. I have a much older brother and sister who are both "golden children", as in favouritized and achieving, whereas I am the scapegoat. Although I don't fit perfectly with the scapegoat role in that I don't have challenges with addiction and I am successful in my career, within my family, no matter what I do, no matter how good I am, I am always looked down on. I have also had great obstacles to overcome with being attracted to men who were abusing/exploiting me. Therapy has helped me with that, and now I am with an amazing, loving, supportive husband.*
My upbringing was difficult, with my mother's boyfriend sexually abusing me when I was 13, and my mother's alcoholism that started at the time of my father's death. My mother was verbally abusive to me, and would constantly tell me how useless I was. My brother and sister, who were away at college as this stuff was happening, shut me out, and were more interested in me being a "good girl" for my mother rather than listening to me. Life was chaotic, and I did not think much of myself, and was not around friends who cared for me. On two different occasions when I was 15, I was sexually assaulted, which made me move further into an abyss. Eventually, I ended up trying to kill myself. Instead of rallying around me, my family rallied around my mother (this is pretty predictable, now that I understand the dynamics of narcissistic families and "golden children".) I didn't tell anyone about the sexual abuse or assaults at the time, which I understand now is normal.*
Since I had no one to reach out to, at 16 I relied on myself to get out of the downward spiral. I started a new school, got new friends, and put on a happy mask to the world. Grades came easy for me in school, and I was able to achieve. Even though I was doing a lot of interesting things such as travelling and publishing articles in the local newspaper, my family was always ashamed and embarrassed of me - often they would leave me out of things. My brother's friends believed he only had one sister (not me) or my mother asked me to leave the house if her friends were coming for a visit. I never understood why I was seen the way that I was and even my friends would comment that I was such a great girl with good grades and fun to be around, whereas my family treated me like a "pregnant teenager". It hurt so much. In my early 30s I went through two years of therapy trying to overcome it and uncovered many of the truths behind my upbringing... but I still did not feel resolved. *
This summer, as my pregnancy progressed, I wrote a letter to my mother telling the truth about that everything that happened with me, and asking her why did what she did, and why she wasn't there for me. I told her about the sexual abuse and the assaults for the first time. At the time, I did not know about narcissism, and that she had no motivation to change.
As a narcissist, she did not respond compassionately. She was defensive, put me down, and said that I was just blaming her for "all of my problems". "All of my problems"... when I see myself as a success. My brother and sister, all these years later, have not changed. They just rallied around her. My sister has been trying to bully me into seeing my mother and is accusing me of holding my future son hostage (which is not true but that is one of the things my Mother is saying so she can be a victim), and my brother won't speak to me. My sister is in the healthcare field, and acknowledges that what happened must have hurt me, but she says that my mother is blameless. My sister is more interested in appearing to have a "perfect family", rather than facing the truth with me.*
I can't believe that my family cares so little for me. Or - maybe since there is narcissism, maybe they love me as much as they can... which is not enough. It really breaks my heart
. Luckily, I have an extremely supportive husband, and a network of lifelong friends, but, I still feel like it is sad that I don't get to have a family because of this enduring situation. I feel bad for my son, who won't have an extended family.*
I was wondering if anyone has any advice on:
1. Coping with breaking ties, even if they are unhealthy, with a family with a narcissistic dynamic. I want to move on, but for some reason I can't. I keep feeling upset and asking "why" rather than being able to put it into the past.*
2. Not repeating history ie. being a better Mother. I want to be the mother that I never had for my son... but I am scared that I am so absorbed in these family struggles that I won't be able to.*
Thanks for any advice you can give...
I am a 34-year old woman, and I am pregnant with my first child (7 months). With the pregnancy, I started to get very concerned about my upbringing, and how it would affect me as a mother. Everything will be so new for the baby, and I don't want history to be repeated for him.*
Here is my story: My mother was a narcissist and an alcoholic and my father died of cancer when I was 5. I have a much older brother and sister who are both "golden children", as in favouritized and achieving, whereas I am the scapegoat. Although I don't fit perfectly with the scapegoat role in that I don't have challenges with addiction and I am successful in my career, within my family, no matter what I do, no matter how good I am, I am always looked down on. I have also had great obstacles to overcome with being attracted to men who were abusing/exploiting me. Therapy has helped me with that, and now I am with an amazing, loving, supportive husband.*
My upbringing was difficult, with my mother's boyfriend sexually abusing me when I was 13, and my mother's alcoholism that started at the time of my father's death. My mother was verbally abusive to me, and would constantly tell me how useless I was. My brother and sister, who were away at college as this stuff was happening, shut me out, and were more interested in me being a "good girl" for my mother rather than listening to me. Life was chaotic, and I did not think much of myself, and was not around friends who cared for me. On two different occasions when I was 15, I was sexually assaulted, which made me move further into an abyss. Eventually, I ended up trying to kill myself. Instead of rallying around me, my family rallied around my mother (this is pretty predictable, now that I understand the dynamics of narcissistic families and "golden children".) I didn't tell anyone about the sexual abuse or assaults at the time, which I understand now is normal.*
Since I had no one to reach out to, at 16 I relied on myself to get out of the downward spiral. I started a new school, got new friends, and put on a happy mask to the world. Grades came easy for me in school, and I was able to achieve. Even though I was doing a lot of interesting things such as travelling and publishing articles in the local newspaper, my family was always ashamed and embarrassed of me - often they would leave me out of things. My brother's friends believed he only had one sister (not me) or my mother asked me to leave the house if her friends were coming for a visit. I never understood why I was seen the way that I was and even my friends would comment that I was such a great girl with good grades and fun to be around, whereas my family treated me like a "pregnant teenager". It hurt so much. In my early 30s I went through two years of therapy trying to overcome it and uncovered many of the truths behind my upbringing... but I still did not feel resolved. *
This summer, as my pregnancy progressed, I wrote a letter to my mother telling the truth about that everything that happened with me, and asking her why did what she did, and why she wasn't there for me. I told her about the sexual abuse and the assaults for the first time. At the time, I did not know about narcissism, and that she had no motivation to change.
As a narcissist, she did not respond compassionately. She was defensive, put me down, and said that I was just blaming her for "all of my problems". "All of my problems"... when I see myself as a success. My brother and sister, all these years later, have not changed. They just rallied around her. My sister has been trying to bully me into seeing my mother and is accusing me of holding my future son hostage (which is not true but that is one of the things my Mother is saying so she can be a victim), and my brother won't speak to me. My sister is in the healthcare field, and acknowledges that what happened must have hurt me, but she says that my mother is blameless. My sister is more interested in appearing to have a "perfect family", rather than facing the truth with me.*
I can't believe that my family cares so little for me. Or - maybe since there is narcissism, maybe they love me as much as they can... which is not enough. It really breaks my heart
. Luckily, I have an extremely supportive husband, and a network of lifelong friends, but, I still feel like it is sad that I don't get to have a family because of this enduring situation. I feel bad for my son, who won't have an extended family.*I was wondering if anyone has any advice on:
1. Coping with breaking ties, even if they are unhealthy, with a family with a narcissistic dynamic. I want to move on, but for some reason I can't. I keep feeling upset and asking "why" rather than being able to put it into the past.*
2. Not repeating history ie. being a better Mother. I want to be the mother that I never had for my son... but I am scared that I am so absorbed in these family struggles that I won't be able to.*
Thanks for any advice you can give...
