More threads by Shantzak

Shantzak

Member
Hey guys,

I'm new to the forum. I have been interested in psychology/psychiatry for a few years now and love studying male/female dynamics, specifically relationships. It helps me to learn more about myself and those I interact with, which makes communication alot stronger and more effective.

I'm finding myself in a typical situation right now, relationship woes, and after alot of research, I'm finding that I am in over my head in terms of figuring out what's going on. So I searched the web for "abandonment/attachment issues women" and eventually found this site. So here goes.

I have a wonderful girlfriend--for about 90 percent of the day. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. I really don't want to put her out there too much, so I'm going to try to be general here. In a nutshell, she was abandoned by her father, has constantly had issues with cheating boyfriends, and feels that her Mom, and stepfather make fun of her too much, without every complimenting her (she slept in the same bed as her mom till she was 12). She gets upset and tells me I jump on the bandwagon with them when we go out to dinner, when I feel that, when viewed from a neutral perspective, I'm just participating in the conversation. I tell her these things and she's gets really mad, usually after I am patient with her and then say something aimed at getting her to "snap out of it" like grow up (which I know is not the best phrase). Her response is usually over the top in my opinion. After the dinner bickering, she told me I was sleeping on the couch and proceeded to take all my clothes that I leave at her house out of the cabinet and put them and a pillow and blanket on the couch. Then she wondered why I was still upset about this the next day.

My family is not perfect by any stretch, but she feels like they are compared to her family, and in all reality, her family has issues, but there are no felons or overtly maliciousness going on (besides one loony grandfather). She tells me when we first told each other we were in love, it scared her and she is intentionally trying to push me away sometimes. She admitted that she had "anger issues" about the dinner incident, but doesn't know what to do, as she is already in therapy. She says she feels bad because whenever we fight, it always has to do with "her issues" and she hasn't really had that be an issue before (which I honestly find hard to believe). She feels like the fact that I am "grounded" highlights all of her issues, and that makes her feel bad. Finally, she says things like "I told you I didn't want you making fun of me with my parents and you do it anyway." But like I said, there was probably some ribbing, but not anymore than any normal family does. Then she said she wants me to point out when she's being selfless to me, because she feels like she doesn't get credit for that.

I'm trying not to ramble. This is a girl with a lot of positive qualities that I try and remind her of on daily basis. Unfortunately, these few hang ups are leaving me and her emotionally exhausted. She told me that she has "been alone" for 29 years, and I can tell that she is trying extremely hard to meet me emotionally.

Is there anything I can do for her? Is there anything about my behavior or hers that you take note of? Finally, is there anything you think I should now about her situation (given her attachment/abandonment stuff), or how I am addressing it that I should now about or be ready for.

Thanks so much.

Shantzak

---------- Post added at 11:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:51 AM ----------

I just read my post up there and think there is some additional info that needs to be put in. That post seems pretty tame to me when I read it, like "oh poor you with these little issues." These little issues are pretty regular. She's gets mad pretty regularly. In fact, the other day she asked me if "I every worry about us," and I instinctively replied, "I worry that you get mad at me a lot."

In my group of friends/life, I am extremely relaxed, and have pretty open boundaries, so I'm having a hard time understanding why she gets so affected by these little things, which is why I'm looking for help, because if its me or there is something I can do to better understand the situation and get things to run smoother, I'm all for it.
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Have you considered couples therapy? Both to help you understand one another and to work out ways of better communicating and better managing conflicts?

I'd also recommend that you try to find a copy of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages- and then both of you should read and discuss it.
 

Shantzak

Member
We talked briefly about this before and she said that if we need therapy now that's not a good sign. She usually is not initially open to these things and then will make an effort, but I can tell she's not overly into the process. I think if I mentioned therapy or reading a book on this subject, she would be insulted and/or annoyed b/c in her mind she would suppose that I was suggesting therapy for her.
 
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